Feeling excluded, my toddler asked me to stop spelling out words while he was around.

I replied "okay".

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GasDoves
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was a sausage excluded from the dinner party?

The hot dogs and pickles agreed he was the wurst

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uneeq33
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
On a video of a custom 2 Fort map that excludes the middle area (Team Fortress 2)
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Islarf
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
You know what they say about hindsight!
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rejectedtuna
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
No one
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/babydluv21
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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Bird Puns
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JMal1719
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
🚨︎ report
An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes:

C

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrunkRedditBot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
The Mayonnaise!
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNQRSTUVWXYZ

If you came here looking for an OP, you got it.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timmyb55
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Guess she’s a bee-cup?
πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/travislaker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Get it?
πŸ‘︎ 375
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onrv
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, β€œWait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned and said: β€œAnd you will dialogue.”

πŸ‘︎ 846
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What's a decent Asian stereotype?

I like Sony and Yamaha.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/n3rv0u5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
We all know where the Big Apple is but do you know where the...

Minneapolis?

πŸ‘︎ 896
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gingernuts13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
🚨︎ report
β€œDad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”

Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
🚨︎ report
He will Smith
πŸ‘︎ 302
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WorldStingRay64
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armor.

Actually it's probably more of a knight mare.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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Wall sculpture
πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alleycatau
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Mods are asleep, so here's an imperial ruler
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigdeal888
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
404 β€œmail not found”
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ya_Boy_Lil_Pickle
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Manakin Skywalker
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnPhil
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
🚨︎ report
β€œDid someone say doobie?”——Snoop Dogg.
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2018
🚨︎ report
The culprit is a major D.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Could of been any Juan
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/___jimenez__
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2018
🚨︎ report
What’s green and fuzzy and if it falls out of a tree could kill you?

A pool table!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
🚨︎ report
High mass in the extraordinary form
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/prlmn
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Massive leak in the bathrooom
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeattleMana
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2018
🚨︎ report
I keep asking what LGBT stands for

But I never get a straight answer.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DBones90
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
🚨︎ report
My daughter got scared when she had her first period

I told her it was an ovary action.

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/milkchaser
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.

Only a fraction of people understand that joke.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2018
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No more
πŸ‘︎ 362
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EC097
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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I get confused
πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmethystMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Because he conditioned it.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WKBX
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
🚨︎ report
What's your name?
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Berkelium_BK
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2018
🚨︎ report
My sister majored in Philosophy. I saw her sobbing the other day, worried she won’t get a job.

I said, β€œAre you having an existential cry, sis?”

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
🚨︎ report
How many stars do you want ?
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justlooking250
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2018
🚨︎ report
What animal has the biggest boobs?
πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rapper_Tim30
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Jazz music is evil.

It promotes sax and violins.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoviQ
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.

I can also tell when they're standing.

EDIT: from https://jokeriot.com

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
🚨︎ report
He is no longer worried about a receding heir line.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Husband told me he'd gotten me a 14-carat diamond. Sigh.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pargsnip
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2017
🚨︎ report
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool.

"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"

He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.

The spy smirks.

"But I still think you American spy."

The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.

He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.

The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.

After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.

"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"

The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Is this sub dead? imgur.com/a0Xi2iF
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blueeyephoto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2017
🚨︎ report
Laundry
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bongnazi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Most definitely stolen and a repost but sharing anyway. imgur.com/28438Sk
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_Phoenix95
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2017
🚨︎ report
What do spanish programmers code in?

SΓ­ ++

πŸ‘︎ 735
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yuberz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dadushka008
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Fan club
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I-NEED-MORE-MEMES
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt?

Well, he sure doesn't want to be spotted

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/125bench
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?

I guess you can say the baby was airborne

Edit: Sorry if the joke is terrible, I just made it up.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wise_Guy_Plato
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2017
🚨︎ report

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