If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, all the other guests are supposed to pretend as if nothing happened.

Noble gases have no reaction.

πŸ‘︎ 652
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know I used to be a Lumber Jack? It was only during one summer, though.

I just couldn't, hack it.

Because I didn't have the, chops.

So they, gave me the axe.

πŸ‘︎ 84
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are locksmiths allowed to remain open during lockdown?

They are key workers

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CarBoobSale
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
During quarantine I taught myself origami...

I’ve in-creased my output ten fold...

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_bradley
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!

He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...

πŸ‘︎ 211
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Remember to lift your left leg up off the ground during the New Years countdown

So you can start the New Year off on the right foot

Edit: Thanks for the silver

πŸ‘︎ 104
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crustydog19
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.

That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_CockLord
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
During dinner, I turned to my wife and said, β€œI used to be grapes.”

She said, β€œHuh?”

Me: Sorry. That must have been the wine talking.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
My buddy got to the Nissan dealership just in time to buy his truck during a sales event.

It was the Final Frontier

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SplashbackDeuce
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Why should you never wear moccasins outside during Winter?

Because it can get a little slippery out there.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DoctorJoss
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Heard your dad is a diabetic DJ that drinks cans of sprite during his sets...

The crowds always chanting β€˜back one again for the lemonade master’

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SR21-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/S0n0fRuss
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I fell asleep during Catholic mass.

I'm a Bored Again Christian.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/teeim
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Being stuck at home during lockdown, I keep having these nightmares that my house is made of celery.

Doctors are calling it the stalk home syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
What happens if a cat wins a dog competition during a tornado?

A cathastrophy

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/D4rk3rl1fe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My urologist and I kept joking around during my last visit.

Finally he cut it out.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I just returned from my MIL's funeral, she was hit on the head during a tennis match & killed

It was a lovely service...

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Altar-83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My coworker brought some vegetables to snack on during work, and he didn’t offer me any

It’s like he didn’t even carrot all

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/excusetheblood
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
The best safe word to use during sex is β€œmeatloaf”

Because it means, β€œI would do anything for love, but I won’t do that”

πŸ‘︎ 683
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
During breakfast, my dad said, β€œLet me sum up 2020 in one word.”

Four.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
During the delivery of my first child, my wife kept yelling out β€˜can’t’, β€˜won’t’, β€˜shouldn’t’, β€˜couldn’t’.

The mid wife told me not to worry, they were only contractions

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewMacSydney
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a hacker say during sex?

"I'm in."

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SecureDeBagAlert
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an agnostic person during the Christmas season?

An eggnogstic

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trillerzap136
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Which jokes are safest during the recent pandemic?

Inside jokes

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spacenerdgasms
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandpa grew up during the depression, as a result, he never threw anything away.

He died in the war, holding a hand grenade.

πŸ‘︎ 872
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.

It was the pizza de resistance.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GaelTadh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the pro golfer wear his golf shoes during the round? (Compliments of my stylist)

Because he's got a hole in one.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/smusac
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend David lost his ID during a trip.

Now we all call him Dav.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChekovsCurlyHair
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A bald man with a hairpiece needed the restroom during a movie.

He whispered to his date, β€œI have toupeΓ©.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dusk118
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard that it was very foggy during the last battle of WWII

The Germans could nazi each other

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ZuluWarlord69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Just happened: my contractor broke a window during our nearly complete renovation

He turned to me and said it's no problem. At this stage it's just a pane.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Will have a bad time during the war?

Because they were firing at will

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/isauria
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I made a joke during chemistry

I didn’t get a reaction

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AidenAvocado
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I've put on so much weight during Lockdown that my Sumo suit no longer fits me.

On the plus side, I no longer need a Sumo suit.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WhoElseButAlf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December

There is a Santa clause.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/omgwtfbbq7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A German soldier during World War II was embellishing the number of troops he had with him

When the Allies thought it was just him, he claimed there were not 1 but 2. Then he changed his story to 3. Then he said 5, then 8, then 13, and finally 21. When the Allies made it to his position, they discovered that it actually was just him.

Turns out he was a fibber nazi.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BradC
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
During an autopsy, why are the heart, kidneys, liver and lungs arranged alphabetically?

So they are organ-ized.

πŸ‘︎ 438
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a wolf that meditates during a full moon?

Aware wolf

πŸ‘︎ 68
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Told my daughter to wear glasses during math.

It improves division

πŸ‘︎ 197
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the lesbian pirate say during sex?

Scissor me timbers!

πŸ‘︎ 101
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/huntingclue47
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What do athletes wear during winter?

Bad mittens

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mercolorecords2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm surprised the tower of Pisa hasn't fallen over during the pandemic...

Without all those tourists helping hold it up.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bourque25
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What do the Chinese do during an erection?

They vote!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/detrickster
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.

That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_CockLord
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.