If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, all the other guests are supposed to pretend as if nothing happened.
Noble gases have no reaction.
π︎ 652
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
Did you know I used to be a Lumber Jack? It was only during one summer, though.
I just couldn't, hack it.
Because I didn't have the, chops.
So they, gave me the axe.
π︎ 84
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
Why are locksmiths allowed to remain open during lockdown?
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Oct 19 2020
During quarantine I taught myself origami...
Iβve in-creased my output ten fold...
π︎ 40
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...
π︎ 211
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
Remember to lift your left leg up off the ground during the New Years countdown
So you can start the New Year off on the right foot
Edit: Thanks for the silver
π︎ 104
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
During dinner, I turned to my wife and said, βI used to be grapes.β
She said, βHuh?β
Me: Sorry. That must have been the wine talking.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
My buddy got to the Nissan dealership just in time to buy his truck during a sales event.
It was the Final Frontier
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
Why should you never wear moccasins outside during Winter?
Because it can get a little slippery out there.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
Heard your dad is a diabetic DJ that drinks cans of sprite during his sets...
The crowds always chanting βback one again for the lemonade masterβ
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
I fell asleep during Catholic mass.
I'm a Bored Again Christian.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
Being stuck at home during lockdown, I keep having these nightmares that my house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it the stalk home syndrome.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
What happens if a cat wins a dog competition during a tornado?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 27 2020
My urologist and I kept joking around during my last visit.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
I just returned from my MIL's funeral, she was hit on the head during a tennis match & killed
It was a lovely service...
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
My coworker brought some vegetables to snack on during work, and he didnβt offer me any
Itβs like he didnβt even carrot all
π︎ 12
π
︎ Dec 11 2020
The best safe word to use during sex is βmeatloafβ
Because it means, βI would do anything for love, but I wonβt do thatβ
π︎ 683
π
︎ Oct 04 2020
During breakfast, my dad said, βLet me sum up 2020 in one word.β
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
During the delivery of my first child, my wife kept yelling out βcanβtβ, βwonβtβ, βshouldnβtβ, βcouldnβtβ.
The mid wife told me not to worry, they were only contractions
π︎ 40
π
︎ Nov 27 2020
What does a hacker say during sex?
π︎ 41
π
︎ Nov 10 2020
What do you call an agnostic person during the Christmas season?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
Which jokes are safest during the recent pandemic?
π︎ 36
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
My grandpa grew up during the depression, as a result, he never threw anything away.
He died in the war, holding a hand grenade.
π︎ 872
π
︎ Aug 19 2020
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 21 2020
Why didn't the pro golfer wear his golf shoes during the round? (Compliments of my stylist)
Because he's got a hole in one.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Dec 11 2020
My friend David lost his ID during a trip.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 27 2020
A bald man with a hairpiece needed the restroom during a movie.
He whispered to his date, βI have toupeΓ©.β
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 14 2020
I heard that it was very foggy during the last battle of WWII
The Germans could nazi each other
π︎ 37
π
︎ Oct 24 2020
Just happened: my contractor broke a window during our nearly complete renovation
He turned to me and said it's no problem. At this stage it's just a pane.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Dec 04 2020
Why did Will have a bad time during the war?
Because they were firing at will
π︎ 17
π
︎ Nov 30 2020
I made a joke during chemistry
I didnβt get a reaction
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
I've put on so much weight during Lockdown that my Sumo suit no longer fits me.
On the plus side, I no longer need a Sumo suit.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Nov 13 2020
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 04 2020
A German soldier during World War II was embellishing the number of troops he had with him
When the Allies thought it was just him, he claimed there were not 1 but 2. Then he changed his story to 3. Then he said 5, then 8, then 13, and finally 21. When the Allies made it to his position, they discovered that it actually was just him.
Turns out he was a fibber nazi.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Nov 09 2020
During an autopsy, why are the heart, kidneys, liver and lungs arranged alphabetically?
π︎ 438
π
︎ Sep 12 2020
What do you call a wolf that meditates during a full moon?
π︎ 68
π
︎ Oct 24 2020
Told my daughter to wear glasses during math.
π︎ 197
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
What did the lesbian pirate say during sex?
π︎ 101
π
︎ Sep 09 2020
What do athletes wear during winter?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 19 2020
I'm surprised the tower of Pisa hasn't fallen over during the pandemic...
Without all those tourists helping hold it up.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
What do the Chinese do during an erection?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 22 2020
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
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