Why do bouncers throw violent drunks out the back door?
Because they belong behind bars.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
How does a computer get drunk?
My Dad told me how to figure out of you're drunk
He said: Son, see those 2 cars over there? If you ever see 4 then you know you're drunk
Me: But Dad, there's only 1 car?
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
Last light I seen a drunk couple weaving all over the street
I thought ‘honestly, get a loom’.
What do you call a drunk person staggering along a street on their way home trying not to step on the cracks in the pavement?
A high school girl was on her way home from a party, got knockout drunk, and shat on herself and all over her friends.
She was a real party pooper
My dad always says he only gets drunk on two beers...
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
How can you get drunk using your cell phone?
Take a lot of screen shots!
How do you get a panda drunk
What did Zeus say when he saw everyone getting drunk and acting foolish on Mt. Olympus?
What do you say when you are going to drunk dial someone?
Goldilocks, running from the 3 bears, finds herself in a dead end with nothing but a bag of ice. Papa bear is Drunk and scary. What happens next?
A Goldy-smack with a cold sack in a cul de sac, which is more than a bear with beer could bare.
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said “Why were you out all night?” He said “How did you find out?”
She said “The bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.
Its 1:30 and im drunk, thought this was comical
What did the hispanic who took 2 too many drugs say? Help i think I over(dos)ed
I once knew a guy who went to a party in Florida and got so drunk that he woke up in Alabama.
As you can imagine, he wasn't in a very good state.
I saw a drunk dude riding in a boat on the chests of four women with average bust size, one of whom had a single mastectomy.
He was sailing on the seven C’s
I'm an atheist 11 months out of the year, but in December...
My German friend Hans got so drunk on American light beer we had to carry him to the truck to go home...
I saw my wife slightly drunk yelling at the TV saying “don’t go in there you idiot”
She was watching our wedding video again.
It's easy to tell the difference between sober and drunk pedestrians.
The difference is staggering.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this, I’ll hit you in the face.”
/r/Jokes/comments/jx9abu/…
What’s the worst thing you can remember doing when drunk?
I remember I came home one night and fixed a dartboard to the ceiling.
Spent the rest of the night throwing up.
What did the drunk say to his buddies as he left the bar?
AL-CO-HOL you later!!
(Stole this from a show dont come for me)
Why do so many people hook up drunk?
Beauty must really be in the eye of the beerholder
Gay people can't get drunk
Cause when you're drunk you can't think straight
Pretty stoked it's the weekend! Gonna relax and get drunk hans style...
A cop ran into a drunk driver and asks the question “How high are you?”
The drunk driver responds: “No, its ‘Hi, how are you?’”
A drunk dude decided to drive and get more beer. After being pulled over and questioned by the cop, the cop said “ sir I’m going to have to put you under arrest.” The guy then said
I get drunk and make stupid memes
A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.
The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."
Did you hear about the guys that got drunk at a Trump rally last night?
They kept chanting “FOUR MORE BEERS!”
Drunk driver overturned his van on road carrying snooker equipment.
Police says he is under a-rest and there is cues a mile long.
How does Super Mario get drunk?
So, in the Bible, Lot's daughters got him drunk and had sex with him, ultimately getting pregnant...
I bet Lot's wife was salty when she found out.
2 drunk guys getting into a fight. One gets up and draws a line on the ground. He says "you cross this line and I'll punch you in the face".
That was the punchline...
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV
'Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!' She was watching our wedding video again."
My IT guy just asked, "How does a computer get drunk?"
As I was getting in bed, she said, "you’re drunk."
I said, "How do you know?"
She said, "You live next door."
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