Spend your last dollar on a $0.98 lottery ticket and see what you end up with.
That's just my two cents.
My friend likes to convert all of his dollars into quarters.
Mom complained when I asked for a few dollars in quarters to fill up my car’s tires.
Dad looked at me, shrugged and said “Inflation.”
What did the dollar say say to the 4 quarters
My son was washing some dollar bills the other day
He said it was money laundering
Why did the chicken like to shop at the dollar store?
I withdrew one dollar from the bank but they called the police
The nine zeroes after the one don’t count. Right? They add up to nothing.
What's six inches long, has a bald head and every woman loves?
A hundred dollar bill.
This is my dad's favorite joke.
what music band always needs change for 100 dollar bills?
I heard about a man who won a billion dollars.
That’s a bunch of non-cents if you ask me.
I saw a radio on sale for only a dollar. Only catch was the volume was stuck on high.
I realized, I can’t turn this down.
My wife: “Someone is selling 4T clothes for 10 dollars”
Me: “WOW that’s a lot of clothes!”
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry..
i became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Yesterday I saw a radio on sale for a dollar. The sign said that the volume was stuck on full.
I thought, well, I can’t turn that down.
While at the beach, my wife asked me how we can get a sand dollar.
I told her, "all you need to do is break a sand 5."
A man has to poop and has no toilet paper his friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back with poop on his fingers...." Why is there poop on your fingers"
" it's hard to wipe with 3 quarters 2 dimes and a nickel"
If you add a dollar and a pound what do you get?
What was the dollar bill’s biggest fear?
I once caught a fish with a hundred dollar bill in its mouth.
I know this story may sound a little fishy, some of you may even consider it a whale of a tale, but if you take it in tide I’m sure you’ll sea the porpoise isn’t me just beingkoi or * squidding* around or fishing for attention; it was shrimply an act of cod that I’m hooked on sharing with others. If it reely makes anyone crabby or puts me on thin ice, just let minnow and I’ll gladly clam up. I’d hate to see this sub flounder or take a dive because of my own shellfish ambitions.
What do you call a belt made out of hundred dollar bills?
A man ordered a glass of water at a fancy restaurant. It cost him 10 dollars. When the waiter delivered it, he asked the waiter why it was so expensive.
The waiter responds “It’s tap quality”
I won a million dollars
I didn't even spend a penny because i had to wake up and pee
This just happened: I explained to my 11 year-old niece that wheat pennies are/were a thing. She didn’t believe me, so she looked it up on grandma’s phone. To our surprise, we learned that there are some people selling wheat pennies online for *thousands* to *TENS* *of* *thousands* of dollars.
To which I said, “That doesn’t make cents.”
Some guy paid me a dollar for 98 cents worth of advice!
My sister bet me a thousand dollars that I could not build a car out of noodles.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
So today my five-year-old daughter made me proud...
She was eating watermelon, and she wanted to know how much it cost. (She's obsessed with prices lately.) I asked her how much she thought it cost, and she said, "I don't know, a melon dollars?"
Sting’s studio was broken into, thousands of dollars worth of gear stolen
Now the Police have no leads.
Why are you supposed to round to the nearest dollar on your tax returns?
Because the IRS has no cents.
George Washington predicted that some day in the future, a dollar bill will contain his likeness.
In that sense, he was on the money.
What do you call a million dollar idea?
How come it used to cost a quarter to pump your tires at the gas station, and now it costs a dollar?
Someone recently told me being $30,000 dollars in credit card debt was a bad thing.
If it is such a bad thing, why does my bank say "outstanding balance" below it?
My new business failed miserably, I was selling T-shirts featuring glow in the dark dollar bills
But then my Dad reminded me: money doesn’t glow on tees.
The nearby Apple Store just got robbed thousands of dollars worth of MacBooks and iPhones...
...I heard the cops are now looking for iWitnesses
Throwback to when I found this vacant billboard in public
My brother has me worried. Any time he drives by a milk farm, he pulls over and leaves a few dollars on the fence.
Doesn’t he know cow tipping is illegal?
If I had a dollar for every gender there was, I'd have eight
Did you hear about the Franciscan Friar who inherited 30 million dollars?
Did you hear about the cow competition worth 1,000,000 dollars?
The higher up you can get your cow the higher the score you get.
The steaks are rising.
Happy Halloween!
I love this holiday so much that I can almost forget I won't be able to make rent tomorrow by 1 measly dollar.
I asked God, “How long is a million years?” He said, “A minute.” I asked God, “How much is a million dollars?” He said, “A penny.” So I asked God for a penny and he said.,,
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.
I said, “That’s outrageous!”
He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
Viagra worth thousands of dollars was stolen from the pharmacy yesterday.
They are looking for hardened criminals.
What must a president do to get their face on a dollar bill?
I asked a midget for a dollar today....
He said "Sorry, I'm a little short"
A man gives a dollar and gets 10000 melons. Why?
Because it's one hundred per cent organic.
My bank won’t make change for a dollar
It just doesn’t make any cents
Get your 1 dollar notes out
I won a million dollars playing the lottery and donated a quarter of it to my favorite charity.
What should I do with the remaining $999,999.75?
Found these lost soles outside my local dollar store
Why should you keep at least a buck in your back pocket when you go gambling?
So you can bet your bottom dollar
My girl friend just bought fifty tampons for one dollar...
3D Print Shop Name pun that blows your brains out
Im opening a 3D Printing Shop and I need that million dollar name. Something that makes you look at it and think " F*ck that's one of those names that sells itself ".
Trusting reddit community for the edgiest puns or mindless creativity.
"Hey, I bought a Prince CD for just under 20 dollars."
"Lets party like its $19.99!"
I went to the Dollar Tree
(very slightly vulgar) What’s the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer nuts are just over five dollars, deer nuts are only under a buck.
What is lbgtq?
When I ask I can never get a straight answer.
What happens when you slip a chicken a dollar?
I lost my job at the bank today which is a shame.
I was taking home $25,000 dollars a week.
I told my buddy I’d be donating to teamtrees but I only had tree dollars
He said he’s still rooting for me though.
Im gonna start making batting cage business that only accepts pennies, dimes,quarters, half dollars, and dollar coins
Gonna call it Nickel-less Cage
I had a silver dollar, but then my dog got a hold of it.
Why is Dollar Tree the best place to shop for deer?
Because the males are a buck.
A thousand dollars for a new Apple monitor holder?
Now that's grandstanding.
At the store, my daughter found a shirt she liked on clearance. My wife asked her how much it cost.
I said "well, she just dropped it, so I'm gonna guess it's floor dollars."
My daughter actually gave me a fist bump for that one, which she now denies doing.
If I had a dollar every time I failed a matt test, I'd have $6.39.
What starts with T, ends with T, and is full of T?
Since quarantine started, I’ve decided to dedicate myself to giving to Charity.
I’m pretty sure that’s not her real name but she sure does like those dollar bills.
A math teacher asked his class...
"If you have ten dollars and ask your dad for ten dollars, how many dollars do you have?"
A student replied, "10 dollars"
The teacher responds, "You don't know your maths, kiddo"
To which the student replies, "Well you don't know my dad"
What did 50 cent do when he got hungry?
Just spent $300 dollars on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver......
Cant believe i just spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
If I had a dollar for every time I've procrastinated...
You know what, I'll tell you later.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...
It’s currently half empty...
A man asked me for a dollar. I said I only carried big bills.
He asked me to give him one, so I gave him my electric bill.
My friend is a know it all who likes to be right always. So he has dollar bills embedded in his shoes.
He has to be on the money.
A better joke may be doable. It's left as an exercise for the reader.
What do Canadians call their Dollar Stores?
I just spent hundreds of dollars online buying expensive ointments for my skin condition.
That was a rash decision.
I have a one step program to fell like a billion dollars.
My brother won 5 million dollars on the lottery, then promptly spent it all on a solid gold, jewel-encrusted garbage can.
If you are wise with dollars you'd be rich, what would you be if you were wise with pennies?
Has anyone here lost a bundle of twenty dollar bills?
Because we found the rubber band
While walking down the street a man found a hundred dollars on the ground...
While walking down the street a man found a hundred dollars on the ground. Ecstatic, he took the money and walked into a nearby store, thinking he would treat himself. Inside, he purchased a large chocolate cake and started walking home. Suddenly, a crazy old man popped out of an alley next to him and ran straight past him! As he went by, he dropped a mechanical eyeball straight into the middle of the cake. Dazed, the man stopped and stared at the eyeball when it suddenly started to belt out a tune!
Well, obviously the best part of this story was the finding of the 100 dollars - everything else is just eye sing on the cake.
Went into a Salvation Army store and saw a radio. It was turned up full blast but the volume knob was missing. It only cost 1 dollar.
I said boy I can’t turn this down.
I wanted a dollar but I only got $0.85
I couldn’t be bothered to nickel-and-dome my dad.
edit: nickel-and-dime*
Air for your car tires used to be free, but now it's a dollar or more.
Inflation can really blow.
How can you get four suits for just one dollar?
A man walks in a bar and sees a pot of change labeled: "Make my horse laugh"
He ask the barman: "What is this?"
The barman answer: "Oh this, place a dollar and if you make my horse laugh you can keep the pot."
"Fair enough" says the man "I'll give it a try" and then places a dollar in the pot
He walks in the stable and after a minute, the horse starts laughing and just can't seem to stop.
The man grabs the pot of change and leaves.
One week later, the man comes back to the bar and can still hear the horse laughing.
A new pot of change has been placed on the counter labeled: "Make my horse cry"
Man says: "Fair enough", place a dollar in the pot and walks again in the stable.
The horse stops laughing and starts crying
The man comes back in the bar and takes the pot of change.
Before he gets a chance to leave, the barman ask him: "How did you make him laugh so much?"
"Oh, very simple" says the man
"I told him: My dick is bigger than yours"
"And how did you make him cry?" Ask the barman
"Even more simple, I showed him"
In Jamaica a pie costs 3 dollars, and in the Bahamas it costs 5 dollars
These are the pie rates of the Caribbeans...
When is a dollar not a dollar?
My sister bet me a hundred dollars i couldn't build a car out of spaghetti
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
If I broke that dollar into change for you
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