I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucifer_0915
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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I have a dog named Well Enough that bites...

Don’t try to pet him, leave well enough alone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/musicmerchkid
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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My dog keeps biting my watch when I play with him

Good thing he doesn’t eat it, that would be time consuming

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coffeemist90881
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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A policeman told me my dog is chasing people on a bike.

I told him my dog doesn't even have a bike.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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There’s two old men sitting on their front porch when a dog comes up and starts licking it’s junk

One of the old men goes, man I wish I could do that.

The other says, you can’t do that. That dog’ll bite you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frozeneskimo02
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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What do you do when your Islamic dogs won't stop biting?

You muzzle 'em

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πŸ‘€︎ u/abbyohmystars
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2017
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What’s the difference between a hot dog and a pit bull?

A pit bull bites the hand that feeds it, while a hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?

A dog with a bark worse than its bite.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hour_Scarcity
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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Abbott and Costello talk about Lou's new dog

(From Abbott and Costello’sΒ radio show, December 30, 1943)
Lou Costello: Oh, Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me!
Bud Abbott: No!
Lou Costello: Yeah, Mrs. Niles gave me a dog for a Christmas present, and the dog just took a great big bite out of me!
Bud Abbott: Where did he bite you?
Lou Costello: Well, if I’d have been wearing a license plate, he’d have gotten the last three numbers.
Bud Abbott: Where did this happen?
Lou Costello: Well, let me see, where did this happen β€” in a crowded streetcar. It was the first time I ever gave my seat to a dog.
Bud Abbott: Well, never mind that. What kind of a dog did Mrs. Niles give you?
Lou Costello: Do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart?
Bud Abbott: Yes, I remember Strongheart.
Lou Costello: Well, this is his brother β€” Weak Stomach.
Bud Abbott: Listen, I’m not talking about that. What is the dog’s breed?
Lou Costello: What does he breed? He breeds through his nose, like you and me!
Bud Abbott: No, no, no, you dummy, what kind of dog is he? Spitz?
Lou Costello: No, but he drools a little.
Bud Abbott: Look, there are different types of dogs, such as Setters, and Pointers, …
Lou Costello: That’s it, Abbott! He’s a Setter-Pointer!
Bud Abbott: A Setter-Pointer?
Lou Costello: Yeah, he sets all day and points at the icebox! (Editor’s note: we now call an β€œicebox” a β€œrefrigerator”)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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Dad joked at a barbecue

We had just finished barbecuing, and my sister accidentally dropped her hot dog on the floor. My parent's dog instantly pounced on it and scarfed it down in one bite.

My grandpa then turned to me with the biggest shit-eating grin:

"It's a dog-eat-dog world."

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πŸ“…︎ May 13 2014
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Inspector Clouseau checks into a hotel.

After speaking with a clerk and securing a room, he turns to go upstairs when he spots a dog lying on the ground β€œDoes your dog bite?” Clouseau asks the clerk. β€œNo,” he replies. Clouseau bends to pet the dog, but the dog snaps and bites his hand. Clouseau is shocked.
β€œI thought you said your dog did not bite!” β€œThat is not my dog,” says the clerk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/youngass
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
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Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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I swear to god dad.

I had just cooked a hot dog.The moment i take a bite out of it my dad runs at full speed yelling "ha ha you ate a wiener".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/themannamedme
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2016
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Cheat sheet for Dads on Halloween

What is a Vampire favorite fruit?

  • Neckterines

What kind of dogs do Vampires like best?

  • Blood hounds

How does a ghost cry?

  • Boo Hoo

What does a skeleton always say before he eats?

  • Bone Appetite

What kind of key should you always take to a haunted house?

  • Skeleton Key

Why do Vampires need mouthwash?

  • Because they have bat breath

What kinds of street do Zombies like?

  • Dead ends.

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?

  • Frost Bite

What did the black cat call the mouse on roller skates?

  • Meals on wheels

What does a vampire never at a restaurant?

  • A stake sandwich

What is it like to be kissed by a vampire?

  • It's a pain in the neck.

Why did the witch stand in front of the podium?

  • To give a Screech

What does a ghosts have for dessert?

  • I-Scream

What is a skeletons favorite instrument?

  • A trombone

What kind of dog does a mad scientist have?

  • A Lab

Be honest, how many did you get? What is your dad score?

EDIT: can't get spoiler tags to work...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gnolaum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2014
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We were sitting at a Georgia Bulldog Game..

It was half-time and it was time for the mascot, Uga, to get walked out into the center of the field before the band played. Everyone, as always, stood up and was really excited to see the dog help get the crowd pumped up for the second half.

Once the band started playing, the dog got settled down on the Georgia logo and started licking his ass like you've seen countless dogs do before.The man on the other side of my dad nudged him and joked, " Man, I wish I could do that."

My dad looked at him and exclaimed, "Are you kidding?! That dog will bite you!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/srswartzel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2014
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What’s the difference between a hot dog and a pit bull?

A pit bull bites the hand that feeds it, and a hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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There's two old men and a dog sitting on a porch.......

The dog starts licking his nuts. One man says, "I sure wish I could do that". The other man replies, "That dog will bite you".

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TinyCot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2013
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