They’re good coughy filters !
Was an absolute time sink.
Now their periods are in sink.
That's because they're coughy filters.
They are both the best a man can get.
Now i dont know what to do with all the extra tacos.
I sighed and asked him, "Where's the nearest landfill?"
"Oh come on," he replied, shaking his head. "There's land everywhere."
In a moosoleum
The punanimous Declaration of the thirteen United States of Pun-merica, When in the Course of human pun-ventures, it becomes necessary for one people to loosen the comical bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the wits of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Yaws of Pun-Nature and of Nature's Pun entitle them, a decent respect to the punchlines of mankind requires that they should declare the pun-riddled causes which propel them to the separation.
We hold these puns to be self-evident, that all wordplay is created equal, that they are endowed by their Pun-ator with certain un-pun-able Rights, among these are Life, Linguistic-erty and the pursuit of Puntasticness.--That to secure these rights, Pun-ernments are playfully instituted among Puns, deriving their just laughter from the consent of the amused, --That whenever any Form of Pun-ernment becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Write of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to pull out new Wordmanship, laying its fun-dation on such punster principles and organizing its powers in such playful form as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Laugh-ety and Happiness. Prun-dence, indeed, will dictate that Pun-ernments long established should not be changed for pun-light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while pun-evils are sufferable, than to set-write themselves by abolishing the language forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long laugh-track of abuses and usurp-puns, pursuing invariably the same Pun-jectives evince a design to reduce them under absolute Pun-potism, it is their right, it is their pun-ty, to chuckle off such Word-rule, and to provide new Punderful Guards for their pun-ture posterity.--Such has been the pun-ient sufferance of these Pun-olonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Punnery. The history of the present Pun-King of Great Pun-Ain is a history of repeated punchlines and usurp-puns, all having in jest the establishment of an absolute Pun-ranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be fun-bmitted to a candid whirl of wordplay.
$100 down the drain.
Actual story about today, so...yay....
He’s always at your disposal.
You barium
Yes, he’s pretty green.
Every once in a while, these guys come out of the woodwork.
It was a good aluminum foil
because it's a late-text (latex)
I just couldn't stand it anymore.
Got home from Lowe's. Jumped in and installed it. Told my wife no leaks and it's quieter. She said "how much was it?"
"There goes 200 bucks 'down the drain'."
She rolled her eyes, walked away. Now I have to do the dishes.
Rachel 2.0 from Blade Runner 2049 was discarded the moment she became too dull
Disposable Blade
He dissolved them in antacid.
Ba-dum… tsss!
I swear it was here a minute ago
Working in a shoe factory, disposing of defective footwear. It was sole-destroying.
I'm part of the waist disposal unit.
What cheese do bomb disposal people like best?
Caerphilly.
Which cheese is best for hiding small horses?
Mascarpone.
Name the best cheese to wake up hibernating grizzlies
Camembert
Why did the lonely cheese eater put a mirror in his fridge?
So he could say hello me every time he opened it
Nice and cheesy does it.
So this is a true story, and maybe I’ll go to hell for telling it, but I expect I’ll meet the actual perpetrator there:
At baseball practice last night, a coach asked if I’d seen the rabbit — the dead one. What? He had me look by a fence where there wasn’t a dead bunny, but HALF of one: Literally (and eerily) just the bottom half, with the top completely missing. Still shuddering over this.
Properly disposed of it and was feeling unsettled, but sprung right back to true dad form when he jokingly accused me of harming the rabbit. I told him that he knew it couldn’t have been me — I’ve never been one to split hares
In his last email he said "I remain at your disposal for any concerns".
Couldn't find him there this morning. I hope he's ok.
It's very important to make sure that one always has a trash can at one's disposal.
I live on a sail boat and started what I thought would be a small project. I wanted to ensure that my toilet plumbing was working correctly before having a guest over so I turned on my macerator and began pumping clear water through the system to clean the toilet and clear the system completely. For those that don’t know, a macerator is basically a garbage disposal like you would have in your kitchen sink buttttt for your poop. It cuts up your poop and toilet paper so that it can be discarded over board in smaller pieces. Of course the pump wasn’t working correctly so I detached some plumbing, looked into the macerator motor and got way more into it than I had planned for. My guest was on her way and I didn’t want to necessarily tell her what I was dealing with because I didn’t want to gross her out. When she showed up I was just putting stuff away and had finished the project. Of course she asked what I was working on, I proclaim “ oh I just needed to deal with some shit” and left it at that.
Alright so quick synopsis of what I do for a living is treating industrial waste water for oil fields. Part of our process is removing solids from the water and using a hydraulic press to squeeze the water out of it and dispose of the dry cakes. Once a day, a waste company rolls in large trucks to remove the big bins where we store the cakes, and put in fresh ones.
Today I was talking with the driver of the truck as he replaced my last bin. I wished him well on the road since we live in California and lordy knows nobody understands how to drive in the rain. As I was turning away from him I said
"If you'll excuse me, I have more pressing matters to attend to."
And immediately started up the steps to our press building, laughing the entire time.
My girlfriend was driving us to into town early this morning for work, it was dark and we all had lights on. A waste disposal truck coming the other way narrowly misses us as it overtakes a cyclist on a blind corner. My girlfriend gets angry because of their stupidity, I wait a split second and say:
"I guess they're just a rubbish lorry driver"
It didn't defuse the situation...
She now has more power at her disposal.
We were watching rare exports as is Christmas tradition and there's a scene where a dude who was on his way to go play Santa clause (and thus is dressed up as one) decides to skip this paying gig he desperately needed in order to help his friend dispose of a body.
I was like "dang that's a real bro right there."
Wife: "straight up. bros before ho ho ho's"
I was face up under the sink, replacing the garbage disposal. Had just started on the wiring when she kicked me and asked what I was doing:
"trying to get grounded" I said.
"Daddy. You can't get grounded. You're a grown-up!"
That's because they're coughy filters.
Because they’re coughy filters!
