There’s a Taiwan.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name"!
just for the Sake of it
They particular like to talk all things Mandarin.
I totally get the rage, I just don't get the Target.
The lady asked "have you read Marx?"
"Yes" the man replied, "I think they're from the wicker chairs."
They monopolize the conversation
Next wave of enforcement will be Apricops
My reply without missing a beat — you’ll be able to buy it, you just won’t be able to buy it rare.
It's a site for sore eyes.
I immediately interjected, "Wait: Are you saying dad is a cereal offender‽"
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
Her: "Do you feel like Mexican?"
Me: "Well, I don't identify as Mexican."
Eyeroll
Wife: I wish I had worn my boots but I think the restaurant is a little dressier than that.
Me: I don’t think so... I almost wore my sandals.
Wife: That would have been vetoed.
Me: No, that would have been open toed.
Sometimes I just babble on.
Dad: Did you hear about how Jordan has been bombing ISIS?
Me: Yeah, it's pretty crazy.
Dad: I know... So do you think Jordan's Air Force is called "Air Jordan"?
Me: :-/
Dad: They probably have the Nike logo on their jets.
(Punchline: ei = German for egg, and we know how commonplace eggs are at breakfast.)
One of them said, “All we have to do is make ourselves massless and then we can do it.”
Another replied “But how do we bring our luggage?”
At which point I chimed in, “You pack light.”
My father says, "just make sure it's a gouda one."
Criiiinge.
My wife said "I don't wanna ween her"
I said "Baby, you don't have a wiener"
Dad - You know why you always see loons by themselves?
Me - Territori.....
Dad - Because if there were more than one, they would not be a-loon
-_-
Me: I saw the name Evelyn the other day, spelled E-I-B-L-E-A-N-N.
Mum: I always used to think the name Siobhan was pronounced See-Ob-Han too.
Dad: I knew a farmer once with a weird name, it was spelled E-I-E-I-O
Me: How would you feel about a holiday cruise?
Dad: That sounds good, we can start at Christmas Island and go to Easter Island.
Me: (shakes head)
And she said "Yeah if we have stables, we can offer livery services. People pay a lot for that."
I said, "yeah, and you can also grow some crops, like onions, if we had the land."
Long pause...
"Then you can offer livery and onion services!"
Girlfriend: I built the London Bridge* LEGO set. It was really hard.
Me: That’s probably because it kept falling down.
*What she is calling London Bridge is actually the Tower Bridge in London.
Me: If we go in December, we should take an extra day to check out the cow pastures. Her: Cow pastures? Me: Yeah. In the winter, they have a lot of cool shit. Her: sigh
It went viral.
"Chipotle doesn't have ground beef."
Cousin: "Does that mean they have air beef?"
She said "How much are they new? I don't want to get you a used one"
"About double the cost, but there's nothing wrong with used if it's in good condition"
"I just don't want to buy you a second-hand one"
"Well that's really silly, I would hope you'd get me one with a second hand"
"ugh..."
I was just talking with my co-worker about a foot rest he has under his desk and possibly elevating it to be more comfortable. He said "It even has feet on the bottom of it." Without missing a beat, I replied, "and feet on top too!"
Sister: We really need to send the dog to puppy school
Me: To what, earn his dogtorate?
Hehe...
My dad said it was hard to confirm it was a lion because the reports were from a number of "random spottings."
My mom said it "Sounds more like a leopard."
Sister: "Dad, what you want for Christmas?" Dad: "Well, I put a stud finder on my wish list on Amazon. But I dunno, last time I borrowed one to hang a picture, it didn't work." "Why not?" "It kept pointing to me."
I read out loud what it said on a children's activity paper or whatever. It said "Did you know that the letter Q is the least used letter in the alphabet?" Me to my mom and dad: "I think they all get used only once, don't they?"
I actually got laughs from them. I am now accepted.
Sister: "hmm, I wonder what Disneyland is like in the rain." Dad: "Wet."
Daughter: No, Cage is the guy who composed 4'33".
Me: I don't think I've heard that one.
Friend: "Dude, this one has a 1600W power supply!"
Me: "Watt are they thinking? Ohm my!"
Her: "You must have really good balance!"
"You know, I won the grand prize in a kitten spanking contest when I was younger."
(surrounded by "wait for it" faces)
"It was a cat-ass-trophy."
Sister: I think I'm going to get her a Frozen blanket
Me: Don't bother. By the time it gets here it'll have thawed out
Coworker 1: Would you rather be blind or deaf for the rest of your life?
Coworker 2: Deaf, because you can always get cochlear implants.
Me: Oh, so in this scenario we can cheat deaf?
Me: I pray that our future children have my husband's eyes.
My stepdad: Oh no, I would hope they have eyes of their own.
me: The Decemberists are decent, as indie goes.
Dad: Are they any better as purples?
me: [skips song]
Sister: just make sure you wear masks when you do it.
Dad: That way the mold can't see us, right?
We call him Kenjamin but his proper name is Kenjamin Benjamin. This was our text message exchange yesterday and thought it was worthy of sharing.
Dad: After watching the olympics I decided Kenjamin is Chinese.
Me: What? I need you to explain further.
Dad: Ken Xia Minh
Me: Oh my god...
"Is that so? What were the names of those otters?"
GF: "What day is Thanksgiving on this year?"
Me: "Thursday."
GF: http://i.imgur.com/peMjgNU.gifv
"I started as a French major."
"Don't you normally start as a private?"
Me: What do you think women hate?
Friend: Hmm...All women hate the word "Moist".
Me: Are you sure it's all women and not moist women?
My friend went to a restaurant with work and was talking about how fancy the place was.
Me: How much was it?
Him: It was like $30/plate.
Me: Wow how much did the food cost?
groan
http://imgur.com/MoL8R2d
Kid: "What's that disease called, the one that makes your spine all curved?"
Mom: "That's Scoliosis. It can also mess up your ribcage and shoulders."
Me: "The people who discovered Scoliosis actually had it themselves. It was a husband and wife team. I think their last name was Dover...
Kids: staring intensifies
Me: "... Ben Dover, and his wife Ilene Dover."
Me: The delay was cause they said it was icy. (It wasn't icy at all in reality)
Her: Icy, my ass!
Me: I see your ass, too ;)
Me and my dad were trying to remember what the word french word for 'yesterday' is. We had previously said that 'tomorrow' is 'demain', and 'today' is 'aujourd'hui'. My brother then chimes in from across the table and slyly states that 'yesterday' must then be 'oui aujourd'hui'.
Dad was proud.
Prof: There is still even a prohibition party. You know what prohibition was right?
Class: No alcohol.
Prof: Right. That doesn't sound like much of a party.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
I said, "I won't stand for it".
My bf says "But would you sit for it?"
I told him he wasn't biologically a dad and it wasn't fair for him to be making dadjokes. He said two years as my children's "dad" was enough training.
"..but I've grown attached to it"-Her
"I don't know, it seems pretty attached to me"- Me
My first memorable dadjoke. Feels good getting to that stage in a relationship.
Her: who would be Hall and who would be Oats?
Me: I better be Oats because you're gluten intolerant.
She actually laughed.
Boss: 50 HP? That's a lot of amperage. We might want to install the larger circuit in the first place.
Me: So then, should I call the electrician and run the future current past them?
Mom: Are you going to be an organ donor?
Me: Yeah, I am.
Dad: But you don't have an organ, do you? You could be a drum donor instead.
My guidance counselor said I was an expert in my field, so I became a farmer.
Because it won't come with any attachments!
You get a little buggy and hoarse.
Mum: They went up the Space Needle twice? Dad: Well, the first time they couldn't see-at-all. Mum looks puzzled Dad: I'm starting to think you missed the point.
As my family and I were discussing polo versus water polo. Mom: I feel like water polo would be more difficult to play. Dad: well yeah, the horses keep drowning
We are all quiet, contemplating the pros and cons of the move and then dad speaks up:
You know one of the advantages of moving to Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
Cue the instant groans...... Oh dad, we love you
Me: "I honestly don't think I've ever seen one in my life; maybe I have but just didn't know."
Co-worker: "Really? I think I've seen quite a few."
Me: "Yeah. Oh, so they're big in the UK then..?"
Co-worker: "Not really, they're the same size all over the world usually."
cue awkward silence before he kills himself laughing...
My dad always joked with me wanting me to shave my face, and of course once one of my friends comes to visit my house he gets them on his side. I then said to my clean-shaven dad "you're just jealous because you have nothing on your face".
To which he replied "I've had many things on my face". I was literally speechless, whilst doing a silent type of laughing as my friend had a very awkward expression on his face.
Dad- "Knock, knock"
Me- "Who's there?"
Dad- "Reality!"
Him: "The turkey meatballs are the bee's knees" Me: "Actually they are the turkey's breasts"
Aunt: Does he wear them when he sleeps?
Me: No, the dreams would be too loud.
A surprising group chuckle followed.
Me: "What year were grandma and grandpa born?"
Mom: "1935"
Me: "Wow... think about how long ago that was."
Dad: "80 years ago, done."
Groans
My mother has given birth to 5 boys, no girls, of which I am the oldest. Sitting at dinner after two of my younger brothers duked out, my mother begins...
"There are too many penises in this house!"
Dad replied, "Oh, you're just jealous."
"No, I'm not. I much prefer my boobs."
"Sounds like you're in denial."
I chimed in, "Don't you mean penile?"
I was rewarded with a hearty chuckle from my father and a roll of the eyes from my mother. The signs of a good days work.
... and we came around to how dangerous it is for the U.S. to arm rebels, like Reagan did with Osama bin Laden. Then I pointed out how impressively organized the Peshmerga of Kurdistan are, and how good allies they seem to be. At this, my dad started beaming, and pulled out this groaner:
"As I've always said to your mother, when it comes to the Middle East, the Kurds are the way."
Me: Ohh, sasparilla pop. Good choice. Saspa- is my favorite -rilla.
Dad: Mine is go-.
While talking about music not on Spotify
Him:"They don't have De La Soul, and they're a big band." Me:"Yeah, they don't have Cab Calloway either and he's big band too."
Sister: "I'm really thinking of a shih tzu."
Brother-in-law: "I don't know, I think it's a pretty good zoo."
Him: "Where are the Reds at this year?"
Me: "Still in Cincinnati."
Him: "Ugh....."
Dad: How long has he been around?
Mom: I don't know. A while I think.
Dad: Well, if he's been around a while, you'd think he'd be worth at least a dollar by now.
Me: (explaining that cows can run) How fast can a male cow run?
Dad: It all depends how many houses he has to deliver to.
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer...
