But they’re Knopfler me
I am requesting the shittiest, most terrible, most horrible dad level puns you can throw my way. Puns that would make others projectile vomit with their horribleness. Puns so aweful and sad, that it'd make me want to hug you and ask you....are you okay?
so send them my way. or there will be a severe....PUNishment...
I walked into a substance abuse clinic for my second meeting yesterday. The doctor knew I had a severe crush on women super heros...today he told me the news.
"Sir I'm afraid it's dire, you need to be checked in immediately for your heroine addiction"
the sultans offspring
... they are going to be know as Chris Straits.
I have a bad case of dire rear
They get dire yee-haw.
Source: I have food poisoning and am dying. The dehydration has led my mind to some cowboy related place I guess. Also dire hee-haw works better but I don't know anything about what cowboys say.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Auditor: Yes. In Dire Straits.
We're a fairly advanced society, we need jokes with content that makes us think. All these easy laughs are making us dumber by the second, and we just keep rewarding them with upvotes that convince the lazy among us to keep churning out lazy jokes. Comedy is one of the only common traits things in every society and culture on this planet and we may not always agree with what is funny, it's very subjective, but no society or culture has no comedy. It's one of the most effective unifiers in all human existence. Of course it's just my two cents, but we really need to avoid cheapening it. There are 6500 spoken languages in the world and this is the most widely spoken, the least spoken languages of course being sign language. Someone once said "a world without laughter would be like a world without warmth, a dark hole in the ground filled with cold water." I know they mean well, but I think it's worse than that. There are three unwritten rules for how comedy should function in the world. We have to learn to follow them or we're doomed as a people, forever, however just like there are two butts in the word "assassin", there are two caveats to this dire situation with lessons learned from the best there is. One is the lesson we can take from Switzerland, I'm not entirely sure what makes them so good at integrating comedy into their lives, but their flag is a huge plus. The other is the lesson we can learn from farmers who know how to put what's important first, how to put in the effort into growing something, and they are always outstanding in their field. We get too caught up in standard modalities of thinking and none of us are totally all right, in fact most of us are at least close to half left. In closing, the absence of comedy when you really think about it, is fear. Fear of the ups and downs of life, much like a fear of elevators. And just like a fear of elevators, we all must take steps to avoid it. Thank you for your time.
Disappointed
I'm a lawyer who clerks for a judge. We had a long, tedious day of jury selection, a process known as voir dire (pronounced vwar-deer). After 6 hours of work, I looked at him and said "after this voir dire, I could sure use a voir beer!"
Crickets.
At first I was really concerned, but then I realized it was just dire rhetoric.
They made me feel like I was in dire straits.
Man: Am I in trouble?
Tax guy: Yes. In Dire Straits.
