Horrid Puns

THIS!

I'm a part time clerk/grunt worker at my local supermarket. My shift consists of stacking up milk, butter, eggs, cream, anything that comes from an udder. So, to make my existence seem less monotonous, I'll often badger my coworkers with horrid puns. One day,one of them offered me these kind words of encouragement: "If you don't shut up, I'll shove my foot down your throat." My rebuttal: "Is that what people call sole food?"

In fact, it's so bad, I'd say it's terrible.

Grassy ass?

So my uncle picked me up from my boyfriends after work tonight, and asked how my day went. I explained to him that there was a snake and one of the dogs I take care of was protecting me and trying to warn me about said snake. This is how everything went down:

Uncle: it was probably a gopher snake.

Me: very true. We had a lot of them in Texas so I’m not too worried.

Uncle: you know, that’s how you ask for it.

Me: what do you mean?

Uncle: when you ask for something to eat you say ‘I could GO-PHER snake right about now’.

Needless to say we finished the ride with more horrid dad jokes.

Babysitting my niece in this heat I wanted to be nice and go out for ice cream. So, I start off with "Hey.. I was thinking.." and before I could finish this 6-year old says "Yeah I thought I smelled something burning", without ever looking up.

The sick irony is that I read this one online and was saving it to roast her. I'm proud, but sad. Of course that doesn't mean my campaign of horrid jokes came to an end!

I was scanning a lady’s items at work yesterday, when the horrid sound of thousand finger nails running down a thousand chalkboards is heard nearby. It was a lady pushing a broken cart around. The customer I was checking out said “wow sounds like the cart needs to be retired”, to which I replied “ma’am, that cart works in a grocery store, it’s not retiring anytime soon.”. She didn’t laugh.