(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...

The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.

Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.

The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:

"What's sarong with that?"

I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).

His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.

--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)

--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zipflop
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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My singing ensemble director told us we had to come to a second show.

It was re-choired!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
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What did the movie director say before shooting a dangerous stunt scene?

It’s a take I’m willing to risk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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Did you know the film β€œSpeed” had no director?

If it had direction, it would be called β€œVelocity”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Divine_ICBM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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Director!

My friend was promoted to a Director the other day. I congratulated him and asked if it felt more like Spielberg or Fury. I said Fury is the one I’d pick.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadjokewizard
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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Which movie director used to be a lumberjack?

Tiiiiiimbeeeeer-ton

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitcheg3k
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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A funeral director friend of mine bought a brand new Cadillac hearse.

People are dying to take a ride in it.

(As told by my friend the funeral director?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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What did the film director say when she was asked what was on her plate?

That's a wrap.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/canadaddy-o
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
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Which movie director like to work in 3D?

Stanley Cubic

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyryoonake
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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What do microwave dinners and disappointed movie directors have in common?

Cut film to vent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/psychodelephant
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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What's your favourite blue spiky master film director?

Sonic The Hitchcock

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Childhoodcocaine
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
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What do you call a coffee shop that used to be funeral directors?

>!A decoffinated cafe!<

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyan-180
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
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Why was the director unhappy with the close-ups in the Dark Knight trilogy?

All he was getting was Bale-ful looks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTattedspyder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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A nominee for director of the math department at my school was caught having an affair with her student...

They had to denominator.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrindoc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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What's the difference between an actor and a director?

One gets in real trouble, the other in reel trouble.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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What do funeral directors eat for breakfast?

Mourn flakes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Corbin125
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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What does the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases say when he stubs his toe?

Fouchy!

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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If I was the director of admissions at Hogwarts...

I would walk into every room while giving tours with my arms outstretched, head tilted slightly upwards, eyes shining, just admiring the beauty of the space and then spin around slowly and proudly state, "And this? THIS is where the magic happens!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/expertn00b
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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What did the director of the stage production of Cinderella say, after the lead called out sick before opening night?

Get the understudy, the shoe, must go on!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/uneeq33
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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What do you call a director who has covid

Quinton Quarantino

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lumender
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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Who did the band director date?

Aβ™­ Minor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AvGeek1245
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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The director told me to follow the pencil with my eyes.

Honestly, I couldn’t see the point.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dunadan37x
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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A friend of mine has just got a job as a director at Macdonalds farm.

He's been made the CIEIO

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pmak13
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
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What type of haircut does Steven Spielberg get?

The director's cut.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExUltra02
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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I want to write a screenplay about a Hollywood director who camps out in the wilderness until the pandemic passes.

His name is Tentin’ Quarantino.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spsheridan
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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At Bob's retirement party the Director stands up and says "I'd just like to say a word about Bob", clears his throat and then says, "plethora",

Bob turns to him and says, "thank you, that means a lot".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nomadic187187
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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What do you call a self isolating director

Quentin Quarantino

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πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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I got a new job this week as the senior director of Old McDonald’s farm...

I’m the new CIEIO

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kilobenny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2018
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After my director friend finished shooting his scene, I handed him a sandwich.

I said, β€œThat’s a wrap.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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Lethal Weapon 3(-some)

Film Producer: β€œThis is supposed to be a β€œBuddy Cop” movie, why do they have this steamy sex scene together?”

Director: β€œBecause everyone enjoys cop-porn at the movies!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
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Story: Lasting after effect of COVID-19

True story. Happen about 2 hrs ago.

Back trying. My wife and I both work in the medical field. She runs hospital employee health dept, and I’m the dental director for a public health agency.

My wife had Covid-19 in January. We were talking about the long term, later effects of Covid on people’s health.

Wife: I wonder what the residual effects of Covid-19 are. My left ear hasn’t been right since I had Covid.

Me: Well of course not.

Wife: Why? What have you heard?

Me: Well your left ear can’t feel right. It’s your left ear.

Wife: God, why did I marry you 33 years ago?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Divinepyramid
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
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My dad said my friend shouldn't become a funeral director

It's a dying profession

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bread-Crunchy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
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Which movie director is really taking off now during the coronavirus?

Tentin Quarantino

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sidoni_12
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
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Martin was depressed because he could never get girls. Then Martin became a director. Now Martin scores easy.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Superbat898
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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What do you call a director with coronavirus?

Quentin Quarantine-o

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tipsy_Tiger3
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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How do directors know if an actor is acting or just pretending to act?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
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What do you call an ex director of the KGB served with gravy and cheese curds?

Vladimir Poutine

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrunkRussian23
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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As a Broadway director my life's greatest accomplishment was the production about a group of kleptomaniacs.

Unfortunately, one of them stole the show.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ivegot_back
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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Every day at the end of rehearsal, my director friend takes out a sandwich to eat.

He then points at it, and says, β€˜That’s a wrap, everybody.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
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There was an accident in the Paleontology section of a Natural History Museum where multiple dinosaur skeletons collapsed and were broken beyond repair. The directors of the museum were concerned that visitors wouldn't visit that section anymore ...

but visitors still showed up to view the
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EyeWunderY
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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SchrΓΆdinger’s Widow

β€œOpen casket or closed” asked the Funeral Director.

β€œYes” replied SchrΓΆdinger’s Widow.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phlebasuk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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What did the director say to the staff when he jokingly said cut?

JK Rowling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hungontree
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
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After high school Farris Bueller became one of the most controversial FBI directors in recent memory after his investigation of a sitting president

The investigation was known as the "Bueller Report"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thylocine
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
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What does the Pornhub director say to the pornstars after the shoot?

Thank you all for coming.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/6BlaCKsalAMI9
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
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What did the film director say at the deli?

That's a wrap.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alii-b
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
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Just got a job as the senior director of the old McDonald farm

I’m the CIEIO

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RadiateHER
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
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