I am trying to get tornado insurance for my campsite, but the companies keep denying my application.

They told me, β€œIf your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Somebody in my family keeps putting glue on my weapons. They all keep denying it.

But I'm sticking to my guns.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Angry_Daniel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the sporting goods employee get denied a promotion?

He sold himself shorts.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brewthumb
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.

There is no cure.

πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A gym buff was denied an entry to an elevator

The reason was he whey too much.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cbsxact7
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I think my wife is covering my rifle collection with glue.

She's denying it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend denied that he was a ghost, but I knew he was lying.

I could see right through him.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
"Have you ever heard of Joe"? "Who`s Joe"?

Joe president.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MahiraMalik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you say to the cashier when your credit card is denied at a convenience store?

β€œSorry for the inconvenience.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/singh_j
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My neighbor denies throwing a cinder block through my front window,

But I have concrete evidence.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tim696969
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
You can-not deny the fact
πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/convict99
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend was arrested by the cops for spray painting graffiti, and he tried to deny that he did it.

But the writing was on the wall.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Whenever I say anything to my horse, he denies it, refuses it, opposes it, or is skeptical or cynical about it.

He's a real neighsayer.

πŸ‘︎ 103
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
🚨︎ report
It's hard to explain puns to Kleptomaniacs

They always take things literally

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PeevesPoltergist
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Say what you want about the iPhone X but

You can't deny it had a top notch screen.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Burpmeister
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
My father was in the army...

And I remember he used to be stationed in exotic places all over the world. Once he came back home with a very exotic looking bird. I asked him what kind of a bird it was and he told me it’s a rare almost extinct species called a Foux (pronounced Foo). This foux was the apple of his eye and he would take care of the bird as if it was his own child. Sometime during this period the Foux began developing a real bad case of constipation and my father was really worried about it. He tried all kinds of medicines to make the Foux pass it’s bowels, but nothing was working. One day, during this period, I woke up to a huge argument taking place between my parents. My mom was accusing him of cheating on her during one of his tours, she had found some pictures of him and another woman and he was denying it vehemently. I realized then that my father had been quite the philanderer and this wasn’t the first time he had been caught. My mom was trying to get him to just admit to his indiscretion.

β€œWhy don’t you just admit it Harry”, she said;

but he stuck to his denial,

β€œYou think I could ever do something like this Sarah”, he said.

Right then amidst all this ruckus, the Foux began to take a dump, in the middle of the living room.

My mom looked at the bird, then looked back at my dad and with a sense of resignation she just said β€œWell if the Foux shits...”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RangaRedRascal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Who shall deny?
πŸ‘︎ 133
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hados1109
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the villain who was charged with trying to flood the city?

He denied everything, but the police found substantial levy dents.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/phryggian
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
... You other engineers can't deny [M]
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/euanwmcgill
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw an ad in a shop window, β€œTelevision for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”, I thought

β€œI can't turn that down.”

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CulturedGrass
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dentist who doesn’t like tea?

Denis

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Xero19
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I wanted to set up a bar inside of a cave but the police denied me access to

They said it was illegal to give alcohol to miners

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MonotoneYay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Big bird was denied bail.

The prosecution said he was a flight risk.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wimple007
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
🚨︎ report
The bank denied my friend a loan for his marijuana and livestock farm

They said the steaks were too high

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KD0AZT
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ImJesusBro
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
🚨︎ report
I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden. She denied it.

The plot thickens.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Three European contrabass players were denied access to USA at the airport customs

They wouldn't let contraband enter the country.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Plaineman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?

They were denied axis.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_nhir
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
can't deny this

Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!" Β  Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mhayes69123
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I was resetting my password but "beefstew" was denied

I guess it wasn't stroganoff.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ZetaFractal
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My honest timepiece denies I was listening to Bruno Mars' "Uptown Funk"

Don't believe me, just watch?

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Budzee
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
🚨︎ report
My son denied using my razor

I could tell by just looking at him that it was a bald-faced lie.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NiacTD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
🚨︎ report
You should never invite big cats to a games night

They are dirty cheetahs, and if they deny they are, they are lion

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pusilli
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
There was a boy..

His name was Josh Buttlicker. Everyone used to make fun of him. On his 10th birthday his dad asked him what he wanted as a gift.

He said β€œI am so sick of everyone making fun of my name and I really want you to change it officially”.

Dad said β€œNo way! This is our family name, which represents our lineage, and I will never do it.”

He tried asking again on his 11, 12th up to his 17th birthday. But his dad denied his wish every time.

Finally on his 18th birthday, he told his dad β€œYou cannot do anything now. I am of legal age and it is my decision!!” He rushed to the court with a lawyer, and completed all the paperwork to change his name legally.

Then he came home, and his dad asked β€œwell, what is it?”

He said β€œDave Buttlicker”.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Transitionals
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
At the store, my daughter found a shirt she liked on clearance. My wife asked her how much it cost.

I said "well, she just dropped it, so I'm gonna guess it's floor dollars."

My daughter actually gave me a fist bump for that one, which she now denies doing.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AuthorScottClark
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I called the police because a man was screaming about large bodies of water and outdoor storage units, but when the police arrived they couldn't arrest him, as he denied everything.

It was a real "He Said Sea Shed" situation.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2018
🚨︎ report
My son just lost a tight race in his primary election after I was physically withheld and denied the right to vote.

Sucks. He would have made a great second grade treasurer.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the judge deny the drunk pilot's request for bail?

Because he posed a significant flight risk!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xinareiaz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
🚨︎ report
I am convinced that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.

She keeps denying it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

πŸ‘︎ 402
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?"

Inmate: It’s bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Anyone need an ark?

I Noah guy.

πŸ‘︎ 348
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/UriahPeabody
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Cop: Sit on that chair,so we can interrogate you.

Lawyer : (whispering) Deny everything.

Me : This isn't a chair.

πŸ‘︎ 140
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!
πŸ‘︎ 71
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I tried to get some storm insurance for my campsite, but I was denied.

They said that if my tents get blown away, I won’t be covered.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection.

Of course she denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I caught my son spray painting graffiti, and he tried to deny it.

But the writing was already on the wall.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2018
🚨︎ report
At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?"

Inmate: It’s bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I please finish my sentence?!

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I am suspicious that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
🚨︎ report

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