My friend denied that he was a ghost, but I knew he was lying.
I could see right through him.
π︎ 32
π
︎ Oct 23 2020
I am trying to get tornado insurance for my campsite, but the companies keep denying my application.
They told me, βIf your tent gets blown away, you wonβt be covered.β
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 09 2020
What do you say to the cashier when your credit card is denied at a convenience store?
βSorry for the inconvenience.β
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 03 2020
"Have you ever heard of Joe"? "Who`s Joe"?
π︎ 20
π
︎ Nov 08 2020
My neighbor denies throwing a cinder block through my front window,
But I have concrete evidence.
π︎ 39
π
︎ May 09 2020
It's hard to explain puns to Kleptomaniacs
They always take things literally
π︎ 34
π
︎ Oct 20 2020
What do you call a dentist who doesnβt like tea?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 28 2020
My friend was arrested by the cops for spray painting graffiti, and he tried to deny that he did it.
But the writing was on the wall.
π︎ 26
π
︎ Feb 16 2020
You can-not deny the fact
π︎ 69
π
︎ Sep 22 2019
Whenever I say anything to my horse, he denies it, refuses it, opposes it, or is skeptical or cynical about it.
π︎ 106
π
︎ Dec 28 2019
I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns!
π︎ 72
π
︎ Oct 21 2019
Who shall deny?
π︎ 134
π
︎ May 04 2019
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 11 2020
... You other engineers can't deny [M]
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 17 2019
I wanted to set up a bar inside of a cave but the police denied me access to
They said it was illegal to give alcohol to miners
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 13 2019
Somebody in my family keeps putting glue on my weapons. They all keep denying it.
But I'm sticking to my guns.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Aug 12 2019
You should never invite big cats to a games night
They are dirty cheetahs, and if they deny they are, they are lion
π︎ 14
π
︎ Sep 02 2020
The bank denied my friend a loan for his marijuana and livestock farm
They said the steaks were too high
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jun 08 2019
At the store, my daughter found a shirt she liked on clearance. My wife asked her how much it cost.
I said "well, she just dropped it, so I'm gonna guess it's floor dollars."
My daughter actually gave me a fist bump for that one, which she now denies doing.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
Big bird was denied bail.
The prosecution said he was a flight risk.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Feb 08 2019
There was a boy..
His name was Josh Buttlicker. Everyone used to make fun of him. On his 10th birthday his dad asked him what he wanted as a gift.
He said βI am so sick of everyone making fun of my name and I really want you to change it officiallyβ.
Dad said βNo way! This is our family name, which represents our lineage, and I will never do it.β
He tried asking again on his 11, 12th up to his 17th birthday. But his dad denied his wish every time.
Finally on his 18th birthday, he told his dad βYou cannot do anything now. I am of legal age and it is my decision!!β He rushed to the court with a lawyer, and completed all the paperwork to change his name legally.
Then he came home, and his dad asked βwell, what is it?β
He said βDave Buttlickerβ.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jul 29 2020
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith.
π︎ 35
π
︎ Oct 30 2018
I saw an ad in a shop window, βTelevision for sale, $1, volume stuck on fullβ, I thought
βI can't turn that down.β
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Jun 11 2019
I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden. She denied it.
π︎ 49
π
︎ Aug 27 2018
Three European contrabass players were denied access to USA at the airport customs
They wouldn't let contraband enter the country.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Mar 08 2019
can't deny this
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!" Β Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 03 2019
I was resetting my password but "beefstew" was denied
I guess it wasn't stroganoff.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 19 2019
My honest timepiece denies I was listening to Bruno Mars' "Uptown Funk"
Don't believe me, just watch?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 17 2018
My son denied using my razor
I could tell by just looking at him that it was a bald-faced lie.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 06 2019
At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?"
Inmate: Itβs bec..
Officer: Yes?
Inmate: I think I have..
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can I please finish my sentence?!
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
π︎ 53
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
Why did the man have to go to the hospital after he was denied his toast?
Because he was lac-of-toast intolerant
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 10 2018
Cop: Sit on that chair,so we can interrogate you.
Lawyer : (whispering) Deny everything.
Me : This isn't a chair.
π︎ 135
π
︎ Mar 30 2020
I called the police because a man was screaming about large bodies of water and outdoor storage units, but when the police arrived they couldn't arrest him, as he denied everything.
It was a real "He Said Sea Shed" situation.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 24 2018
My son just lost a tight race in his primary election after I was physically withheld and denied the right to vote.
Sucks. He would have made a great second grade treasurer.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jun 27 2018
Anyone need an ark?
π︎ 347
π
︎ May 23 2019
Why did the judge deny the drunk pilot's request for bail?
Because he posed a significant flight risk!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 18 2018
I can't believe that penguins are always denied bail
They're not even flight risks...
π︎ 32
π
︎ Dec 23 2016
Idk what to put here
What do u call a singer that denies the existence of Mars?
Bruhno mars
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 02 2020
I have been diagnosed with a very specific type of Amnesia.
It causes me to deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no Cure!
π︎ 11
π
︎ Dec 24 2019
Five Cowboys have been accused of robbing a glue factory
They have denied it, and they are sticking to their guns!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 28 2020
My wife swiped our debit card on my butt crack.
She said "transaction denied, insufficient buns."
π︎ 88
π
︎ Aug 06 2019
I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection.
Of course she denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
π︎ 47
π
︎ Aug 19 2020
I tried to get some storm insurance for my campsite, but I was denied.
They said that if my tents get blown away, I wonβt be covered.
π︎ 43
π
︎ Feb 04 2019
I caught my son spray painting graffiti, and he tried to deny it.
But the writing was already on the wall.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 07 2018
At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?"
Inmate: Itβs bec..
Officer: Yes?
Inmate: I think I have..
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Apr 29 2019
I am suspicious that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She denies it, but Iβm sticking to my guns.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ May 03 2019
I think my wife is secretly putting glue on my antique weapon collection.
She denies it, but Iβm sticking to my guns.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Mar 09 2019
I am convinced that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She keeps denying it, but Iβm sticking to my guns.
π︎ 398
π
︎ Nov 04 2019
I'm very suspicious that someone in my family has been secretly adding glue to my weapons collection...
Everyone denies it, but Iβm sticking to my guns...
π︎ 258
π
︎ Jul 23 2019
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