When I was in high school, I knew these twins who contracted mono.
They got stereo.
stolen from Demetri Martin
We also went to restaurants
"Hi. My name is Robert if you need anything."
"Great. What's your name if we don't need anything?"
Robert: "Would you like more soda, sir?"
Dad: "Yes. Please."
Robert takes the glass and walks away to refill it.
Dad: "That's less soda, not more!"
Me: "Let's get more [tortilla] chips."
Dad smashes the last chip into hundreds of pieces. "There. More chips."
Edit: When the lights in the restaurant are dimmed.
Dad: Uh oh! Prices just went up!
(Who ordered the ambiance?)
I saw a sign the other day that said " Watch for Children"
I though that was a fair trade.
(Borrowed from Demetri Martin)
People tell me Iโve lived an interesting life, so I decided to write an autobiography.
โAn autobiographyโ
Wife just booked us a hotel room across the street from Carnegie Hall.
"Well, at least the directions will be easy."
"?"
"Practice, practice, practice. Then left."
