Chaos, subterfuge, and conflict ensued as a giant primate chased everyone off the pier, declaring it his own and invoking his title.

Gorilla wharf heir.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
CDC declares Diarrhea to be a genetic disease

It runs in your jeans

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/annthaknee
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A good title for a conservative news article a couple days ago when Trump declared β€œStop the count!” after Biden started making gains but Trump still could’ve shocked the world would’ve been...

β€œTrump’s Not Down For the Count”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadow_Boxer1987
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit the Corona Virus and should not be quarantined any longer.

W.H.O. Lets the dogs out!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rgapinski
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...

My wife just tells me which ones to wear.

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks...

He found his way to the men's department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.

"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed. "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Β‘Eso sΓ­ que es!"

"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberentomology
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Why was horse declared as innocent by the judge?

Because he de-neigh-ed everything.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ViShAl2212
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Verily I gave unto him a goblet, and forthwith hailed him by the name he hath previously declared to me...
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/masterpososo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
All letters of the alphabet except for c have been declared hate symbols by the anti defamation league. Why?

They are "not c".

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ultraguardrail
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed ?

At the bottom

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Led Zeppelin have record sales in China last year.

Because the government declared a rock down.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/grahamdv
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend declared bankruptcy and disappeared to get rid of all his bills...

It was his un-due-ing.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A jewish pastor becomes a missionary...

...and ends up on the Island of Trid. The people there are starving and explain to the pastor that it’s because whenever they try to harvest the fruit at the top of the mountain, the nasty giant comes out of his cave and boots them all back down the hill. This infuriates the pastor who then declares that tomorrow he will join them on their next attempt. The next day they all march up the mountain together, and sure enough, out comes the giant who proceeds to kick all of the locals back down the hill leaving only the new guy to gather fruit at his leisure. Finally, he stops and asks the giant, β€œWell, aren’t you going to knock me off the mountain?”. Shaking his head, the giant says, β€œSilly rabbi, kicks are for Trids”.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm never leaving a living will.

As soon as my foot falls asleep, my wife's going to declare me brain dead.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xi_32
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit Coronavirus, and there is no reason to quarantine dogs anymore. /r/Jokes/comments/fe5cmp/…
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Was discussing groceries with my parents earlier tonight when my mom declared (of my dad), "he buys cereal then never eats it!"

I immediately interjected, "Wait: Are you saying dad is a cereal offenderβ€½"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/riskable
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Teacher: β€œTrue or False? The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia.”

Student: β€œFalse. It was written in ink.”

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
A Vulture is about to get on a plane.

Do you have any baggage to declare?

No thanks, just carrion.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Apollonius_Cone
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I got fired from my job at the glass factory for failing to declare my expenses.

Apparently transparency is very important to them.

(I'll let myself out...)

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rc538
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Forever 21 declared bankruptcy.

Guess it should have been called Temporary 21...

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
🚨︎ report
A woman was found guilty and the judge declared she will serve 10 years in prison or she can sleep with him. He got in trouble for

Ending a sentence with a proposition.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justryingtokeepup
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when a cowboy declares holy war?

Yihad!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rodlenzen2
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?

They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OhHiGCHQ
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What do Jewish dogs do at 13?

They have a Bark Mitzvah.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Malisix
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I was watching Mysteries at the Museum with my 8-year old daughter when they showed the quills used to write the Declaration of Independence, Constitution & Bill or Rights.

My daughter said, "that makes them the founding feathers, dad."

I've never been so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I heard they put the declaration of independence in a museum,

They renamed it the decoration of independence.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Looking out his window, a viking named Rudolph the Red declared, "It's going to rain."

His wife asked, "How do you know?"

"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BassWizard420
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Most Sundays I declare, "I'm taking a stand, we are eating Chick-fil-a today or nothing at all!"
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/patrickleddin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Next in the Bourne series: Jason goes rogue and captures Benjamin Netanyahu, and declares himself permanent ruler.

Don’t miss β€œBourne is the King of Israel”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Driving thru customs, standard dad answer when asked if there were any food or animals to declare...

"Just the wife"

πŸ‘︎ 139
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Leiderdorp
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2013
🚨︎ report
What do you call a short mexican?

A paragraph, because hes too short to be an esse

πŸ‘︎ 568
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AgamGamez
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
How do tomatoes declare their love for each other?

"Man, i love you from my head tomatoes."

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jessaiee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2016
🚨︎ report
As the judge cleaned out her coffee maker, she boldly declared...

"These are grounds for dismissal."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2017
🚨︎ report
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.

It's an abomination.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2017
🚨︎ report
Get vectored mate
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zj_y33t
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
SchrΓΆdinger's Question

Q.Who declared corona a pandemic? -WHO declared corona a pandemic.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_Ayush_Kumar_
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
The girlfriend with a religious identity crisis declares "If that exists, I'm a Christian rebel".

"So you're a Protestant."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tamer_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2016
🚨︎ report
I rest my case.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RabbitGuySentMe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2017
🚨︎ report
The World Health Organization has declared that dogs can’t transmit corona virus and therefore dogs don’t need to be quarantined anymore.

W.H.O let the dogs out.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zuckerschneggle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

At the bottom

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Robman2021
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

At the bottom.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Treyness
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
🚨︎ report

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