CDC declares Diarrhea to be a genetic disease
A good title for a conservative news article a couple days ago when Trump declared “Stop the count!” after Biden started making gains but Trump still could’ve shocked the world would’ve been...
“Trump’s Not Down For the Count”
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit the Corona Virus and should not be quarantined any longer.
W.H.O. Lets the dogs out!
Verily I gave unto him a goblet, and forthwith hailed him by the name he hath previously declared to me...
Why was horse declared as innocent by the judge?
Because he de-neigh-ed everything.
All letters of the alphabet except for c have been declared hate symbols by the anti defamation league. Why?
A jewish pastor becomes a missionary...
...and ends up on the Island of Trid. The people there are starving and explain to the pastor that it’s because whenever they try to harvest the fruit at the top of the mountain, the nasty giant comes out of his cave and boots them all back down the hill. This infuriates the pastor who then declares that tomorrow he will join them on their next attempt. The next day they all march up the mountain together, and sure enough, out comes the giant who proceeds to kick all of the locals back down the hill leaving only the new guy to gather fruit at his leisure. Finally, he stops and asks the giant, “Well, aren’t you going to knock me off the mountain?”. Shaking his head, the giant says, “Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids”.
I'm never leaving a living will.
As soon as my foot falls asleep, my wife's going to declare me brain dead.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed ?
My friend declared bankruptcy and disappeared to get rid of all his bills...
A Vulture is about to get on a plane.
Do you have any baggage to declare?
No thanks, just carrion.
Chaos, subterfuge, and conflict ensued as a giant primate chased everyone off the pier, declaring it his own and invoking his title.
The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit Coronavirus, and there is no reason to quarantine dogs anymore.
/r/Jokes/comments/fe5cmp/…
Was discussing groceries with my parents earlier tonight when my mom declared (of my dad), "he buys cereal then never eats it!"
I immediately interjected, "Wait: Are you saying dad is a cereal offender‽"
Teacher: “True or False? The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia.”
Student: “False. It was written in ink.”
A woman was found guilty and the judge declared she will serve 10 years in prison or she can sleep with him. He got in trouble for
Ending a sentence with a proposition.
I got fired from my job at the glass factory for failing to declare my expenses.
Apparently transparency is very important to them.
(I'll let myself out...)
Forever 21 declared bankruptcy.
Guess it should have been called Temporary 21...
What do Jewish dogs do at 13?
They have a Bark Mitzvah.
Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.
What do you call it when a cowboy declares holy war?
I hear it is national cheesecake day today
But cheese and cake sound like an awful combo so I declare this my first cakeday instead
I was watching Mysteries at the Museum with my 8-year old daughter when they showed the quills used to write the Declaration of Independence, Constitution & Bill or Rights.
My daughter said, "that makes them the founding feathers, dad."
I've never been so proud.
I heard they put the declaration of independence in a museum,
They renamed it the decoration of independence.
Looking out his window, a viking named Rudolph the Red declared, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Most Sundays I declare, "I'm taking a stand, we are eating Chick-fil-a today or nothing at all!"
Next in the Bourne series: Jason goes rogue and captures Benjamin Netanyahu, and declares himself permanent ruler.
Don’t miss “Bourne is the King of Israel”
What do you call a short mexican?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an esse
Schrödinger's Question
Q.Who declared corona a pandemic?
-WHO declared corona a pandemic.
Driving thru customs, standard dad answer when asked if there were any food or animals to declare...
How do tomatoes declare their love for each other?
"Man, i love you from my head tomatoes."
As the judge cleaned out her coffee maker, she boldly declared...
"These are grounds for dismissal."
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
The girlfriend with a religious identity crisis declares "If that exists, I'm a Christian rebel".
"So you're a Protestant."
I got voted in as Chairman of the Walkie-Talkie Association today
A man walked into a Library...
A Man Walked into a Library. He approached the front desk, rapped on the wood with his knuckles, and declared "MA'AM, I WOULD LIKE A CHEESEBURGER AND FRIES." The receptionist was startled, and replied "sir, please.. this is a library!" The man gasped, looked around surprised, and replied in a very quiet whisper: "i'm so sorry. i would like a cheeseburger and fries."
The World Health Organization has declared that dogs can’t transmit corona virus and therefore dogs don’t need to be quarantined anymore.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
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