What do you call a snake that's 3.14 feet long?

A "ฯ€"thon

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ididittoem
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.

The doctor says it's terminal.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/simplyGagi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Permatato
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 18 2020
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GF: "You made good time today"

Me: "I only use the best ingredients"

gf gives me a look

GF: "Ingredients for time?"

Me: "I never use tardy sauce"

gf leaves room

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/droptheone
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 17 2017
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Accidental Jesus dad joke

I recently tore all the ligaments in my ankle and Iโ€™m still in rehab. I was on the sidewalk concentrating on my crutches when a construction worker popped up in front of me. Initially I thought he was going to tell me I was walking under something dangerous; halfway through I thought he was going to ask me out; then Jesus happened:

โ€œHey, that looks like it hurts!โ€

โ€œNaw, itโ€™s not bad, itโ€™s much better now.โ€

โ€œRunning? Skiing? Howโ€™d you do it?โ€

โ€œRock climbing.โ€

โ€œRock climbing! Wow, so you must be strong, eh?โ€

โ€œYeah, Iโ€™m ripped.โ€

โ€œ โ€ฆ ripped? Really?โ€

โ€œYeah, Iโ€™m super ripped.โ€

โ€œ โ€ฆ oh. Wow. Not joking.โ€

โ€œYeah, Iโ€™m joking. Iโ€™m not actually ripped.โ€

โ€œ โ€ฆ ahaha โ€ฆ hah. That was good.โ€

โ€œYep.โ€

โ€œSo, Iโ€™m Christian.โ€

โ€œHi, Christian.โ€

โ€œ... and I donโ€™t know if youโ€™ve read the Bible, but the Bible says that laying on of hands, especially for our fellow Christians, will heal. And Iโ€™ve โ€ฆโ€ etc.

It took me a block to realize that Iโ€™d accidentally made a Dad joke.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thisisniceishisface
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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Brainstorming food/movie theme nights. It es-kale-lated quickly. Only thing in my Bumble profile now.

When Harry Met Salad

What About Ke-Bob

Cumin to America

Weekend at Bearneaise II

Steakin I, II, & III

A Few Good Salmon

Youโ€™ve Got Kale

Shawshank Re-Dim Sum

Romancing the Scone

An ร‰clair to Remember

Roman Hollandaise

Glazed and Confused

Bill & Tedโ€™s Eggcellent Adventure

The Evil Bread

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Shrimp

Fondue the Right Thing

Ribeyes Wide Shut

Mignons

Plante of the Grapes

Spider Manchu

Sushis All That

A Wok to Remember

Marsala-la Land

Apocalypse Cow

Die Chard

Die Chard with a Vinaigrette

Hoganโ€™s Gyros

The Sand Latkes

A League of their Macaroni

Revenge of the Curds

Rush Sโ€™More

Braising Arizona

Demolition Ham

10 Things I hate About Ewe

Saladin

Oliver and Com-penne

Dirty Rotten Chanterelles

Sex and the Satay

The Truth About Cats & Hotdogs

Morella Enchanted

Provolone Together

Clear and Pheasant Danger

The Big Chili

Lรฉmon: The Professional

Ava-Tartare

Hocous Pocous

High Fi-Deli Meat

Madagascargot

The Fifth Elementos

Muensters Inc.

Thereโ€™s Something About Rosemary

I Am Ham

Quiche Lorraine Man

Barley & Me

Lentil Giants

Peggy Soufflรฉ Got Married

Face Stroganoff

Con Gruyรฉre

Fast Times at Porridgemont High

Bok Choys in the Hood

Papillonion

Requinoa for a Dream

Serial Cardamom

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kat_fogg
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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Sitting around the parents' dinner table discussing ISIS ...

... and we came around to how dangerous it is for the U.S. to arm rebels, like Reagan did with Osama bin Laden. Then I pointed out how impressively organized the Peshmerga of Kurdistan are, and how good allies they seem to be. At this, my dad started beaming, and pulled out this groaner:

"As I've always said to your mother, when it comes to the Middle East, the Kurds are the way."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Broanna
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 28 2015
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My dad would have been proud

I took my two kids (4 and 6) to the new aquarium in our city. They have a petting tank with harmless bamboo sharks. I reach in to the tank. 4 year old: "Is it dangerous?" Me: "Yep" and get a good look of slight fear from him. I then pull my hand out with my ring finger bent over and show it to him. He responds with a look of abject horror. 6 year old: "Stop messing with us!" Unfold my finger and show them. My 4 year old was not amused.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Kitty2228
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 19 2014
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My dad burned me...

I'm horrible at telling stories and this is my first r/dadjokes post.

I was showing my dad the frontpage gif of the balloon full of mercury hitting the ground...

Dad-"Neat! Even though that is rather dangerous."

Me-"Yeah, but it's cool."

Dad-"I remember when I was in school and they would walk around and placed little drops of mercury in our hands to play with.''

Me-"And see, you turned out some what fine!"

Dad-"But what they didn't know was the genetic damage it did to people's children..."

Me-"Good one..."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dragdollb
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 09 2014
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