D&D pun
π︎ 27
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︎ Dec 04 2019
My wife told me that she'd slept with 7 people before we met.
I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Feb 22 2021
Ima start spelling weed ouiβd cos I canβt say no to it
π︎ 376
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︎ Feb 21 2021
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling π³ '
Thank you for the awards
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
π︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 28 2020
My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.
When I asked how he managed to keep count,
He replied, "I keep a log"
π︎ 2k
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︎ Jan 19 2021
I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes.
π︎ 12k
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︎ Nov 20 2020
When I was a kid I thought weβd all grow up to work with horses
All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...
π︎ 355
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︎ Jan 14 2021
If I could be a superhero I'd be Aluminum man...
That way I could foil crime.
π︎ 20
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︎ Feb 20 2021
My friend said, βYou have a BA, Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.β
It was a third degree burn.
π︎ 50
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︎ Feb 12 2021
I always had low charisma when I chose elf in D&D.
Maybe that's why I have such low elf-esteem.
π︎ 11
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︎ Feb 19 2021
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
......and the second one Duplikate.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
Whyβd the fish swim right into the bull sharkβs mouth?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 22 2021
Whatβd that cab driver say to the guy getting in his car with a cheap hooker?
π︎ 5
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︎ Feb 03 2021
You'd be impressed with the display cabinet I have at home, full of saltwater and semen.
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 15 2021
Whereβd the one-legged waitress work?
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 19 2021
I'd like to personally thank the inventor of the mini skirt...
My balls have never felt so free.
π︎ 17
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︎ Feb 19 2021
I'd like to share a small victory with you all today
π︎ 14
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︎ Feb 03 2021
Boss said heβd fire me if I made any more country puns
It was the end of my Korea
π︎ 48
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︎ Jan 13 2021
I'd really like to move to Switzerland one day
I hear the flag's a real plus.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
My wife showed me how sheβd stab me if I ever cheated on her.
The knife didnβt go all the way in, but I got the point.
π︎ 19
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︎ Feb 10 2021
Me: βOh, I wish Iβd listened to my motherβ Friend: βWhy? Whatβd she tell you?β
Me: βI donβt know, I wasnβt listeningβ
π︎ 14
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︎ Feb 12 2021
My son asked me if I knew any good chemistry jokes as he'd just had his first chemistry class. I thought about telling him one about alkalinity...
But then I thought; 'Nah, too basic...'
π︎ 41
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︎ Jan 07 2021
My friend became monk recently. I asked him if he'd take a vow of silence, but he didn't answer
I guess it goes without saying
π︎ 47
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︎ Feb 04 2021
I was tasked to come up with a great pun for a new launch of Microsoft Office, I thought Iβd come up with a great one.
But my publisher told me that word games are not what I excel at.
π︎ 16
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︎ Jan 14 2021
Whatβd the confused alligator say when acting like a rooster?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.
I told them, "Just you wait!"
π︎ 27
π
︎ Feb 02 2021
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
π︎ 5
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︎ Feb 11 2021
Itβd be a shame
π︎ 46
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︎ Jan 04 2021
No one thought I'd ever be good at math proofs
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 14 2021
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if sheβd had her medicine yet.
My daughter said yes, and I replied, βSo youβre de-Claritin that youβve had it already?β
π︎ 37
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
I've decided to start storing everything in the Cloud, and it's a lot easier than you'd think
Although I'm still not sure how exactly I'm supposed to get anything back down... I guess I'll just have to wait until the balloons pop to use my TV again.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
I once debated a flat earthed. He got me so mad I stormed off, saying I'd come back around eventually.
You could say I went over the edge.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 12 2021
I gave some dude the money I'd saved to to buy bushes to line my property. I'd introduce you, but
my hedge fund manager hates reddit.
π︎ 8
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︎ Feb 03 2021
Whatβs with all the talk about horny bugs in Washington D.C.?
I keep hearing about the capital insect erection.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
D cells, D cells...
π︎ 4
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︎ Jan 05 2021
Wow never thought I'd get this far
π︎ 110
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︎ Nov 14 2020
**Genie: I will grant you 2 wishes** **Me: I want to be rich.** **Genie: Okay granted, second wish?** **Rich: I'd like loads of money.**
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
If i could, Iβd make sure everyone had a dolphin.
Because everybody needs a porpoise to their life
π︎ 12
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︎ Dec 19 2020
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow
π︎ 37
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︎ Dec 03 2020
I went to a smoke shop only to discover itβd been replaced by an apparel store.
π︎ 100
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︎ Nov 19 2020
A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 25 2020
Not long until you get RAMβd
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
2 years ago my doctor told me Iβd go deaf
I havenβt heard from him since.
π︎ 101
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
The wife asked me tonight if Iβd seen the dog bowl.
I said βto be honest I didnβt even know he played cricketβ.
π︎ 58
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︎ Feb 06 2021
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
....and the second one Duplikate.
π︎ 478
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
My wife asked me if Iβd seen the dog bowl..
I said βI didnβt know he could.β
π︎ 22
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
Wife asked if I'd seen the dog bowl...
βDidn't even know he played cricket" I replied
π︎ 22
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
2 years ago my doctor told me Iβd go deaf
I havenβt heard from him since.
π︎ 145
π
︎ Nov 13 2020
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