What do you call a herd of cows gambling at a marijuana dispensary?

High Steaks

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Matttized
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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I’ve just been attacked by a herd of cows.

I’m ok, but I’ve been badly grazed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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As if 2020 wasn't crazy enough in Texas today, a herd of cows suddenly burst into flames.

Scientists still don't know what the cattle-lyst was.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TigerDiesel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. Puzzled, the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?" The bull replies...

"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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What happened when two herds of evenly-matched cows got into a turf war?

There was mootual destruction

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MBonez12
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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What do you call a herd of cows above an earthquake?

Milkshakes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pnohgi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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Driving through farmland with the family, my dad randomly says β€œHey look! A whole flock of cows!” My uncle corrects him: β€œHerd of cows...”

Dad: β€œOf course I’ve heard of cows! Look! They’re all over the damn place!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brik5ean
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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What do you call a herd of cows jumping over a barbed wire fence?

Udder devastation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pa526
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2018
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A crisis has developed after a herd of cows ate an entire shipment of edibles

Officials say the steaks have never been higher

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bendragonpants
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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Why couldn't the cowboy get the herd of cows moving along?

He needed a cattle list to get started

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
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As a newly qualified vet, I'm now allowed to treat animals.

Yesterday, I took a herd of cows out for drinks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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Pills for the bull

I recently spent $46,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ...but they kind of taste like peppermint.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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A cow asked his farmer β€œWhat do you do?”

No response.

So he asks again, β€œWhat do you do?!”

No response.

Slightly agitated the cow again asks β€œWHAT DO YOU DO?!”

The farmer blurts β€œI HERD YOU!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Millenial
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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What can we learn from cows, buffaloes, and elephants?

That it's impossible to lose weight by simply eating green grass and salads, and walking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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Apparently cows get more scared when they're together

Those goddamn cow herds

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smorgo_Beepins
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
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Dadjoked my gf in the car

So we were driving to the Ikea and I saw a bunch of young cows getting released into a field next to the highway. I pointed it out on the way back but she couldn't see them right until the last moment. She said they were hiding. So I said they were camouflaged... cow-moo-flaged

The look on her face was priceless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sleepy_red
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2014
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Anyone else hate ranch on pizza?

Like just when I think I’m about to eat a fine pizza, a farmer comes out with a herd of cows, and walks straight on my pizza.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TrueomegaJF
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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I was with my friends and then we saw some cows, so I said "hey look! A flock of cows!"

My friend said "a herd of cows" "of course I've heard of cows, look there's a flock of them over there!" I never saw those men again...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CyanCharizard
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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A car cruising down a rural country suddenly backfires.

As the engine sputters and shuts down the woman driving the car steers toward a nearby driveway and honks the horn hoping to get the attention of a guy herding cattle in the distance. Sure enough within a minute the man has ridden his horse over to her. He dismounts and gives a happy β€œHello! Sounds like you’re having some car trouble. Can I help at all?” The woman replies that she’s not sure what happened but that she would love some help. They pop the hood and the man says he thinks he can fix the problem but has to run back to his barn to get some tools. The cows have come to see what’s going on and as the farmer gets ready to leave he says β€œDon’t worry about your car. I’ll have it running in a few minutes. Just head over there to the shade of the tree by the fence. The cows are all friendly. Bessy there likes to have her ear rubbed, Albert likes to look at people, and Mare will just moo a grand ole tune.” All of it is true and within 20 minutes the woman is happily sitting in her car with the engine running better than before. β€œThank you so much, you’re a life saver,” she says. The man smiles and lets out a big laugh before saying β€œI’m glad I could help. But I’m no life saver. I’m just a jolly rancher.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/foyeldagain
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
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You could tell the bull was afraid of the matador..

It cow-herd in fear, like a cow-herd...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
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2 cowboys in a field

One turns to the other and says β€œyou take all those cows over there and round them up into one big group”

The other says β€œwhat?”

The first cowboy says β€œyou herd”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yemembet
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
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Driving, usually on the highway or the county...

Me: Oh, look! A flock of cows.

Daughter: HERD of cows!

Me: Of course I've heard of them, there's a flock right there!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrbassfingerss
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2017
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Deja Moo

Oh MOOgosh. This might just sound like a load of Bull, but please STEER me out.

Deja Moo (Sung to the tune of Fresh Prince of Bel-air)


Now these are puns all about COWS

Their milk gets flipped, churned all around.

And I’d like to take a minute but I won’t stop and prattle

And tell you this story you haven’t HERD about cattle.


In IstanBULL I was born and BRAISED.

In the pastures back then in my HAYDAYS.

Chewing cud, RUMPING round, and making a fuss.

TANNING out so UDDERLY ridiculous.


When a couple of HEIFERS who had BEEF with me

Started BULLying on my Brand , you see.

I got TIPPED over once and my mom got scared

She said you're MOOvin your behind, your butt, your DAIRY Air.


I whistled for a calf and when it came near

Thought she was a babe, but HE was a STEER!

If anything I can say this STEAK is rare

But that Bovine was BO-FINE so I didn’t care!


I got milked a few times, maybe 7 or 8

More like long-gonehorn, than reliable date.

So I CHUCKED out the udder half of the pasture,

Bevo ain’t a cow, don’t got what I’m after.


Fun fact: a Dairy Cow can produce 125lbs of saliva a day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KrazyCasey412
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2016
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Look kids - a flock of cows (IRL)

"Dad, it's not a flock of cows."

"OK, a pride of cows then"

"Not that either, why are you so lame?"

"I dunno, a gaggle of cows?"

"Dad, it's a herd of cows. Herd of cows!"

"Course I've heard of cows. Look at that gaggle over there"

Was much harder work than expected.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BXCellent
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2018
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A city slicker moves to the country with the idea to start a farm.

He can't afford to buy a whole herd of cows all at once, but he figures he can start small and work up. So he buys a dozen cows and two bulls. He puts the bulls in separate pastures, and splits the cows evenly, and waits. After a couple weeks, he realizes that most of the cows in one pasture are pregnant, but on the other side of the fence, nothing has been happening. He calls up his neighbor, Elmer, an old country feller who has been farming since he could walk. "See, there's your problem," the old man says, "That one's a bull, but the other's a steer." The city slicker says, "Well, I don't know what the difference is. Could you put it in terms I might understand better?" Elmer says, "Well..."

"One's regular and the other is de-calf."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SapperInTexas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2014
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What do you call a group of bovine running from their problems?

Cow herds

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOctopotamus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2017
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Sleep-Deprivation Fueled Pun War

My friend (L) and I (B) ended up in a pun war. She had to wake up super early to catch a flight, and this was at about one in the morning:

L: I should definitely set my alarm to 'cow' o.O

B: Haha, do it. Nothing like waking up to cows in the 'moo'rning.

L: Oh my gosh. Absolutely not.

B: Hey, but it would be so 'udder'ly hilarious!

L: I just got stabbed to death by a pun.

B: I'm just trying to 'milk' it for all it's worth...

L: If I did that, I'm not sure I'd wake up in a happy 'moo'od.

B: Just drink some 'calf'inated coffee, and you'll be fine.

L: I'd be laughing 'stock' of the town... Cows don't have a sense of humor.

B: Bull!

L: I'll just use my cowculator do determine how much sleep I'm actually going to get tonight...

B: You could wake up a little later, but you'd have to 'hoof' it to the airport.

L: Hope the weather is good, so my plane isn't 'ground'ed 'beef'.

B: That's stretching it... You should make more of an 'heifer't to come up with good puns.

L: I know when I'm getting creamed.

B: It's hard to 'steer' you in the right direction, because you keep changing topics.

L: That's udderly ridiculous. I'm just trying to mooove on.

B: And I just keep churning 'em out...

L: No, you're just spinning your 'veal's.

B: That's one of the best ones I've herd all night!

L: I thought I might've butchered it...

B: PETA might have a beef with you because of it, though...

L: Well done, well done...

B: I don't think they care leather or not you personally slaughtered it, too.

L: See now, I wish you'd stop 'grilling' me about the bad puns... You should 'patty' yourself on the back. I 'dairy' you to come up with more.

B: Well, you can certainly steak a claim for being able to hold your own...

L: I'm a natural 'barn' comedian. However, I really should quit 'yak'king and go to bed. :p

B: Okay, that's not cows... You lose. You 'cud' have done a lot better.

L: The grass is greener on the other side, okay? Also, cows live in barns, and yaks are related to cows.

B: It was still quite a stretch... Don't have a cow about it.

L: Ha anymoo. Goodnight! Also, don't die of mad cow disease.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/guerrilla154
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2015
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A family drives past a meadow...

...the father points at a bunch of cows and says "look, there's a flock of cows!" The kids stare at him and correct him, telling him that it's a herd of cows. The father turns to them and says "of course I've heard of cows, there's a whole flock of them over there!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/URGETTINSHREKT101
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2015
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A trip to the farm

Farmer: whistle Come over cows.

Cows don't move

Farmer calls them over again.

Dad: I think they herd.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lextremelynooby
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2015
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Cows on the track

During my 21st birthday this year, I was on a train back from Edinburgh to London. Halfway through the journey the train came to a halt, and the driver announced that the standstill was due to a herd of cows crossing the track.

Without any hesitation I exclaimed "well, it doesn't look like we're gonna be mooooving for quite some time..."

Everyone on the carriage groaned accordingly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CosmicDoughnuts
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2015
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Dadjoked my girlfriend a few days ago

We were driving past a field with cows in it. She told me, "Look! There are just two white cows in that whole herd."

I told her, "They must be the moo-nority." Then she gave me that "really?" look. Much laughter ensued.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMalacandran
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2014
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My friend's little nephew dad joked his grampa

Driving along the little one says "Look grampa! A flock of cows!" Grampa corrects him saying "Herd". The little man looks up and without missing a beat replies "No grampa. I SAW them. I didn't HEAR them!" Good stuff!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Russ_T_Razor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2014
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Dad's favorite cow joke

Dad: look over there. I see a bunch of cows. Me: it's called a herd of cows. Dad: of course I've heard of cows, there's a bunch of 'em right over there!

This worked once, so of course he tries to do it all the time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kittyisagoodkitty
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2013
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Driving with my son and we pass a farm. I point out the flock of cows. He turns to me and says "Dad it's a herd of cows"

Heard of cows, of course I heard of cows. I just pointed out a flock of them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chefdumbdumb
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
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Saving this for when I become a dad

Look at that flock of cows over there

Herd of cows

Of course I've heard of cows theres a flock of them right over there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slimjimwittywoo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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Look! A flock of cows!

"Herd' of cows, Dad."

"Of course I've heard of cows. Look, there's a whole flock!"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/twogreen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2016
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"Look there's a pack of cows in that field."

Son: "Herd of cows, Dad"

Dad: "Heard of cows? Of course I have there's a whole pack of them over there!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaredNGreen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
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A father and his family are driving along a road

Dad: β€œLook kids, it’s a flock of cows!” Kid: β€œDad, it’s called a herd of cows.” Dad: β€œHeard of cows? Of course I have, there’s a whole flock of em right over there!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/teslove
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
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Heard of cows

Riding in a car

Dad- "hey look over there it's a flock of cows"

Kid- "you mean herd of cows"

Dad- "yeah I've heard of cows, there's a flock over there!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/careerpathlost
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
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Dad: Look, Lizzy, there's a flock of cows standing in the field!

Lizzy: Herd of cows, dad.

Dad: Herd of 'em? There's a whole flock over there!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThingyYeet
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2018
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Look son!

A flock of cows! Herd of cows dad. Course I have herd of them! There's a flock of them right over there!

πŸ‘︎ 179
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bizzlebomb
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2014
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Flock of cows

"Look son a flock of cows"

"No, it's a herd of cows"

"Course I've heard of cows, there's a flock of them right there"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/swirIingarcher
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2018
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Hey, look at that crowd of cows!

"A herd of cows!!"
"Of course I heard of cows... there's a crowd of them over there!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stevenmc
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2015
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Flock of Cows

Dad- Look over there, a flock of cows! Me- You mean a herd of cows? Dad- Sure I "heard" a cow, there's a whole flock of them over there!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/x-bot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2014
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