Counters Puns

"Don't mind if I Zoo."

She just gave me a glare and went back to what she was doing.

Totally worth it.

The clerk replies “It’s a freebie”

He later apologized for his mis-steak.

"I'm looking for an inexpensive pet and I heard your birds are going cheep"

It was counter-productive

(My cat didn’t laugh at it either)

Wait, wrong sub.

Room tempera-churros.

I just hope he doesn’t take it for granite

That would mean a banana tree is a nuclear plant.

Clock Stupid.

As it landed upon my foot, I exclaimed

I took a Tomato Tomato!!

Butcher tells him if he can jump up and touch it, he gets half off his purchase. If not, he pays double. The man looks up at the beef and says,

“Nah. The steaks are too high.”

For granite.

Disgusted, Dad replied, "Don't be silly, I'm putting it in the living room!"

I was just trying to spruce up the mood

I took it for granite.

The man frowns. “What do you mean it’s a secret? What’s the special today? Is it a latte?”

The barista shakes her head.

“A mocha?”

She shakes her head again.

“Oh, come on! Tell me! A cappuccino?”

She shakes her head.

“An affogato?”

She shakes her head.

The man is getting frustrated at this point. “Can you at least give me a clue!?”

The barista thinks for a moment, then points at a jar on the counter. “Ok, the special is in this jar.”

“What is it?”

“I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.”

The man, enraged at this point, tries to grab the jar.

The barista grabs it too.

They fight for control and the man wretches it away only for the jar to fall on the ground and its contents spill out onto the floor.

The man stares, “It’s just been normal coffee this whole time?!”

The barista shrugs, “I guess you spilled the beans.”

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play.

There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player.

The man paid his handler $50 and sat down.

Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus.

The octopus took it and stared for a bit.

After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo.

This man paid his $50 and sat down.

The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes.

The bartender said, “I’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.”

The man agreed and handed them to the octopus.

The octopus sat there eyeing the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile.

The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, “Hurry up and start playing the thing”

The octopus spewed, “Play it?! I wanna marry her!"

The elderly woman clerk quickly realized it was fake and became enraged!! She started screaming, grabbed his hair and slammed his head on the counter until he was out cold.

She was SO upset she had a counter fit.

I wanted to see what came first, the chicken or the egg.

The bartender eventually asks if the horse wants a drink.

The horse says "Neigh"

I could really see myself buying it

https://imgur.com/a/vYT7ZBx

She's 3. "Dad...that's...a pea. Not...pee."

"That's what I said. Pea!'

ಠಿ_ಠ

I went to double check his work and he was wrong on so many levels

Because it always feels good to be kneaded.

There is life on Mars.

and the lady says, "You have any bags to check?"

The photon says, "No. I'm traveling light."

T Shirts!

“It’s just a roll of tape, sir,” said the cashier at Staples.

the woman states "sir this is a library"

the blind man replies "oh sorry, ^(can i have a pepperoni pizza please) "

"Which one?" she asked.

I replied, "William."

My family took it for granite.

I replied, "No I'll drink it. It's still water."

It’s called, Take It For Granite

I told him I was being counterproductive

So I said, "what should I do with all the opaque things?"

"Does it affect the price?" I asked.

"No, not at all." she replied.

"In that case, I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."

Our hardwood flooring guy is Micah. It's weird, but he talks in the 3rd person all the time. Like, "Micah doesn't love all that sanding" or "Painting is not what Micah does." Nice guy though.

I asked him if he'd refinish our counter tops and he said, "That's not formica."

Its really sad. His life was taken for granite.

Dad: happy birthday to me

...although I find most people take it for granite

cuz he got dem 'walls'

It looks remarkable.

I thought to myself, "What a peculiar clerk."

A few years back my mom was having some kind of stomoach problem, my dad took her to the doctor where she drank some kind of radioactive dye for some kind of diagnosis. My dad comes into their home-office where I am fixing their computer. "Hey Jake, C'mere" he says. He's holding a Geiger counter he has from who knows where. My mom is laying in her bed and he gets it closer and closer to her stomach and it goes off, flashing red! I am dying, laughing so hard then he says "Looks like we've got one hot mama" My mom just rolls her eyes and groans. One of the most hilarious things I have ever seen in my life.

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve

customer: "how many cars do you see?"

me: "none"

customer: "well i see two lincolns. how many snakes do you see?"

me: "none"

customer: "i see a pair of copperheads here. how many naked ladies do you see?"

me: "none."

customer: "well yeah, what do you expect for two cents?"

Cashier: Is that all for you today?

Dad: Yes thank you.

Cashier: Would you like this in a bag?

Dad: No thanks, it's already in a bag.

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

Finally, the guy storms off in anger.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

Is it good to be counter-productive?

I got my car inspected and the exchange when I went to pay was as follows:

Her: "That will be a $30 bill"

Me: "Hmmm, I don't think I have a 30 on me"

Her: polite laughter

http://imgur.com/seo4Y8B

Dad decided to 'help' clean up after dinner.

and the checkout girl asks if I want a bag for them. I say "No thanks, I'll wear them out." She actually smiled. Yes, I'm a dad.

After we had been talking about some random stuff Her: "Well I have a counter question for you. (Proceeds to ask her question)." Me: "That's not a counter question. A counter question would be 'Is that granite or Formica?'" Then I sat there and laughed for five minutes.

A raw bar bairn.

Me: Dad what's with all the old knives?

Dad: I'm starting an old knife shop....

I never even got the real answer from him he wouldn't stop laughing

A lot of the time he will take things for granite.

http://imgur.com/2MJ6f4B

So I was in line at my college's sandwich shop. The man behind me was one of the workers in the school's small post office, and also happens to be my friend's dad. He laid down a pretty good dad joke.

Sandwich lady: Next? What kind of bread can I get for you? Me: Hi, thank you, I'll have a white wrap. Him: Oh, I'll give you a white rap, "Yo, yo, yo, beatbox noises"