A friend and I were both struggling with division problems. Then we consulted one another and were soon finished.

We concurred and divided.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
On a new diet. Had to consult rules about eating pickles.

I wanted to know if they were kosher.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndySkibba
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2022
🚨︎ report
My wife missed her appointment with the cosmetics consultant.

I guess she’ll have to do a make up session later.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlickHeadSinger
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2022
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I drank Holy water with a laxative

I wanted to start a religious movement

πŸ‘︎ 357
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrandroidBlue
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2022
🚨︎ report
Friend tried to get a loan the other day...

A friend of mine has this great idea for a small business selling collectables, so he goes into a bank and walks up to the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan for a small business venture."

Patty looks in disbelief as she realizes this voice is coming from a dog. But being professional she clears her throat and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The dog says $500,000. And proceeds to fill out the loan paperwork.

Patty, the teller, reviews the paperwork and notices his name and is a little star struck as it reads: Buddy Mick Jagger. Feeling embarrassed, but curious, Patty asks if there is any relation to THE Mick Jagger?

The dog sighs and says, yes, Mick is his father, adopted, but his father nonetheless.

Patty explains that $500,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need something to act to secure such a large loan.

The dog says, "Yes ma'am. I have several sets of these" and shows her a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly shaped. He then produces more and more of these small porcelain animals all hand crafted and painted various colors. While trying to explain these collectables are what he hopes to sell Patty becomes very confused and thinks up a quick excuse:

"Well, for such a large loan and unusual collateral I will have to consult the branch manager."

Ms Whack finds the manager and says "There's a talking dog named Buddy Mick Jagger out here who claims to be a relation to Mick Jagger and wants a loan for $500,000. And as collateral he wants to use this?" She then holds up the small porcelain elephant. "I mean, what even is this? Is it valuable?"

The bank manager stands up, blinks a few times, looks her straight in the eye with a large smile and says: "Oh! That's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the dog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

(My grandpa would tell this joke at family gatherings to all of us grandkids, we would only ever get small parts of it at a time, but the rest of the adults would always groan at the end. Wasn't till many years later I realized this was a pretty common long haul joke! Still a good memory, hopefully it have you a chuckle!)

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Stache_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2022
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This sign at the Urologist actually took some stress away for my Vascetomy consult after a heartly chuckle.
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nnudmac
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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I can’t believe my wife named our son Left without consulting me

It ain’t Right!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goontownpopyou
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.

I thought they'd be smaller.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pdarigan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I was at the recruitment agency and the consultant asked me what I thought of voluntary work?

I wouldn't do it if you paid me.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RebellionRob75
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
After consulting my therapist, I went out and bought a small whale.

She told me I need a porpoise in life

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Juantanamo0227
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A consultant came in to analyse my business the other day...

He said "sweeping changes had to be made".

The Janitor is not happy

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArseRobot
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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I'm glad I didn't go with my awkward girlfriend for her plastic surgery consultation...

She picked her nose.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Currently in the hospital after the birth of our third child. Wife talking to lactation consultant about supply vs demand.

I chime in, "Sounds like MILKroeconomics 101."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshSamBob
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Needed to consult dad about moms gift this year...

http://i.imgur.com/HwEYi8q.png

...should have known better

πŸ‘︎ 124
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tezius
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2014
🚨︎ report
A frog walks into a bank looking for a loan…

Reading the nameplate on her desk the frog begins, β€œGood morning Miss Whack, my name is Kermit and I need a loan.”

β€œOkay Kermit, I’ll need some more information, named after your father, the famous muppet, I assume?”

β€œNo, but I get that a lot. It’s Jagger, my dad is the rock star Mick Jagger”

β€œOh I apologize Mr. Jagger, didn’t realize Mick had any frog children. The last thing we’ll need is some sort of collateral to guarantee the loan. β€œ

Kermit Jagger reaches into his pocket, pulls out a small plastic elephant and puts it on the desk between them saying β€œI think this will suffice.”

Looking down in confusion at the trinket she says β€œthis is rather unusual Mr Jagger, I’ll need to consult with my manager.” Shouting into the next office she says, β€œBob can you come in here for a second?”

β€œWhat’s up Patty?” The manager asks.

β€œKermit here just gave me this plastic elephant as collateral for a loan. Have you ever seen anything like this before?”

β€œOf course” Bob responds. β€œIt’s a knick nack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan! His old man’s a Rolling Stone!”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Waddles113
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2022
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It’s only fitting
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I need a pun thread about mugs (Gift idea - no dad jokes here)

I love pun threads, and I would like to have one printed on a mug for a gift. Logically, I think the puns should be about mugs, or coffee, being his drink of choice... Figured I would consult the experts here. The pundits, if you will. Please assist me!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PureKatie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Meaning of Life - dadjoke at work today - Life as a consultant

As a consultant I find my workday is made up of continuous meeting after meeting.

Today I shared my schedule with a friend, to which he responded

"You didn't choose the meeting life, the meeting life chose...Oh wait" - friend

To which I responded

"What is the meeting of life?" - Me

Yay work is fun!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/losdos1989
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2015
🚨︎ report
Born to be an anesthesiologist.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
🚨︎ report
who is the coolest guy in the hospital?

the hip consultant

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2021
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So I murdered a guy.

And I was told I had to consult a criminal lawyer.

Why would I let a criminal fight my case?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BowelMovementator
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report
A frog walks into a bank for a loan.

All he has for collateral is a ceramic statue. The loan officer, Patty Black, is unsure of what to do so she consults with her supervisor; "Oh fine", he says. "It's a knick knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan."

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Remo1975
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the person know what time their house was broken into?

They consulted the neighborhood watch.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diatonicnerds
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
🚨︎ report
If you get in an accident and need to see a lawyer about it, just be careful..

They'll add consult to injury

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoMoreTerritory
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an ant that gives you advice?

A Consultant.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Magus_5
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
need puns for gnctr team name

hey guys my team is deciding on a team name on Thursday and I thought I could consult the pun masters of reddit to get the ball rolling. The name usually dictates the theme our team has for the competition and the name is usually a pun of toboggan or sled, previous examples jursled park, this one time at bogg camp, Indiana jones and the raiders of the lost sled. obviously these aren't the best puns so I feel like getting a good one would really sell it this year. thanks!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
🚨︎ report
I was at Redbox today...

I couldn't decide on a movie, so I consulted my groceries. My pizza said, "Keep Frozen."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
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Pastor dad-joked the congregation..

My pastor was talking about the influences of mothers in our lives... He proceeded to talk about how his daughter danced and had pleased Herod, and he offered her anything she wanted, up to half the kingdom. The dancer consulted her mother, who said she should request John the Baptist's head.

This, he informed us, is how to get a head in life.

Dad tears were present.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jman4647
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2014
🚨︎ report
I just had Lasik corrective surgery.

During the consultation on Saturday, my nervous wife accompanied me to learn more about the procedure. She got me pretty good when she said it was an "eye-opening experience."

Rest assured I didn't leave her the last word. After the procedure yesterday, I exited the operating room to find her waiting in a crowded lobby. She looked up at me, and I got her back with "Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes."

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisFRKNRogers
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2017
🚨︎ report
A man would experience severe pain in his eye every time he drank tea[X-Post from r/jokes]

He went to his doctor, who referred him to an eye specialist. They performed every test possible, but found nothing wrong with his eye. Since the pain was still persistent, he showed a number of specialists, had every test done on him, consulted quacks, and all to no result. He still felt excruciating pain whenever he had tea. Finally, he decides to visit an old sage. The sage sits him down and pours him some tea. As soon as he takes a sip, he feels the pain again. The sage sets his own cup on the table, and quietly says "Next time you drink tea, remember to remove the spoon from the cup."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gulzaar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2014
🚨︎ report
What do you do when your clothes are too large?

You consult a medium.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeepguy797
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Two contractors are working on a building design

The first one is looking at the blueprint and finds that the stairs don't have enough space so he consults his supervisor. He shows him the blueprint and the space and says "there's not enough room so we need to change it to be either a ladder or an elevator". The supervisor thinks for a moment and replies "the latter"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/supergamer422
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
🚨︎ report
What do mallards do if they dont understand a quack

Consult a ducktionary

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fapling123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2018
🚨︎ report
A FROG, A BANK AND A LOAN

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Faze_Spriggan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2022
🚨︎ report
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
A Frog Walks into a Bank

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
"KermitΒ Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/josephlied
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A frog walked into a bank...

... and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mellon_coliee
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
A frog goes into a bank

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saveitforthedisco
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?

The hip consultant

πŸ‘︎ 104
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gymshark94
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
🚨︎ report
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

.

.

.

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 588
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goboatmen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2013
🚨︎ report

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