Construction Sites Puns

When I got home, all the signs were there

I told him that I'm not allowed to accept lifts off strangers!

“I’m sorry. This is a place for men at work, not men without hats.”

Soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door!

I have to make a slogan for safety week at a construction site I work at. Can you guys help?

Its a boring job

It looked like foul play. The mason wasn’t a suspect. He had a concrete alibi. The night of the accident he said he was with his girlfriend. She confirmed this. There was a wall of evidence. Consequently his alibi was rock solid and not just a facade. There was damning evidence that it was the plumber. They figured his alibi, that he was at the casino, wouldn’t hold water. But cameras showed fluid betting all night. This, obviously, threw a wrench in the investigation. The investigators followed a lead to the electrician. He had a shocking secret. It seems the electrician had been charged with battery only months earlier. But it was a dead end. They looked at the HVAC installer, but his alibi was airtight. Next, they tried to nail the Roofer, as he had been spouting off about the victim the day of the accident. But the roofer had been hammered all day. There was no way they could paint him as the cunning mastermind.

Then they saw the writing on the wall: the painter had both motive and opportunity. He was seen canvassing the accident site a few strokes before midnight when the accident occurred. The victim fell off a faulty ladder that was covered in finger paint. It seems the victim and the painter had a few brush-ins before. And it wasn’t a pretty picture. The painter was indicted, but despite all the evidence, the charges didn’t stick and the jury let him roll off clean.

Turns out it was an isolated incident.

It's called Studfinder.

But when I got home, all the signs were there

The evidence wasn't concrete.

Quacks in the pavement.

Guess he failed his degree in Civil Engineering.

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

This has happened a few times. So yesterday on a conference call my boss mentions that this tree thinks he's either a cat with 9 lives or Jesus christ. I start laughing hysterically because in my head all I can think of is treesus christ.

My second child will be born in 2 weeks. I'm ultimate dad now.

But when I went to the construction site I found no concrete evidence of it.

What do you call a cow that’s fallen asleep at a construction site?

A bulldozer.

I was in charge of the fencing. The construction site was almost finished, and it was only this and the landscaping remaining. I did the first couple posts, but then I went to lunch, and when I came back, they were gone. I did as much as I could until the day ended, and I went home. I came back the next day, and they were all gone. I decided to speak to the contractor, and when I told him about the posts, he said “Oh, yeah. There’s tons of reposting on this site.”

My dad, sister and I were driving in the car when she pointed out a construction site.

Her: "They're putting in a Duck Donuts over there." Me: "Oh. I heard they're not going to take credit cards." H: "What? Why not?" M: "I don't know, but they'll only take bills."

Took her a few seconds to get it. Dad just looked at me and nodded.

I'm a construction worker in NYC. At my current job site we're working on a new super tall building, the second tallest in the city. Attached to the building is a temporary construction elevator for moving people and materials up to the upper floors.

So I get in the elevator and it's only me and the operator. We chit chat for the ride up and I ask "So what's it like being an elevator operator for this building?"

He replies "Oh you know, it has its ups and downs"

In hindsight I think I walked right into that one.

We were going for a walk and passed a school under construction. Since we've talked about it most times we walk by I wanted to see if he remembered what it was. We also have a book Goodnight, Goodnight Construction Site.

Me: "Hey ______, what's the construction site going to be when it's not a construction site any more?" Him: "Done."

While putting up framework in a construction site, a worker waves at the crane operator about to place a main support beam and yells "stop, that beam isn't strong enough! There's no way this will hold the upper levels!". The foreman pushes the worker aside and yells to the crane driver "It's fine. Truss me, I'm an engineer!"

... but when I got home all the signs were there."

.. was the roofer

But when i got home... all the signs were there

I am a construction manager, and a couple years ago my boss asked me to go meet a new subcontractor who we had never worked with before. When he arrived to the site he had a younger guy with him. He walks over and says "Hi, my name is Ron Anderson, and this is my son, Ron". I couldn't stop myself. I looked this stranger dead in the eye and said "Well, you know, two Ron's don't make a right!".

Neither he nor his son were amused. But they still did the work. Honestly, though, how many times in your life are you actually going to get the chance to say that. Carpe diem.