Dick gray, son!
Getting karma should be easy as cake
Edit: It’s a giant cake day celebration! Happy cake day everyone!!
Audi, partner 🤠
You can hear a pin drop, after all.
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
The virus will be quarantined for 14 days
“Si, está.”
The results were exactly what I expected.
Os-Moses.
Now I see it everywhere.
Or in other words, a paranormal distribution.
I replied “That doesn’t sound very cute to ME, doc...”
The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.
A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).
The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.
TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!
I was right all along
unfortunately, they have no Leeds
When asked about it in an interview, Mick confirmed that "The Rolling Stones gather no mas"
People from all Woks of life, son.
Doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.
North Korean leader Kim Jong Un succumbs to a botched surgery, medically confirmed dead, but then returns from the grave and continues to rule. Based on a true story. Probably.
I went online and saw that a nigerian princess wanted to send me millions of dollars. However, I had to send $100 for handling fees on the check. However, I wanted confirmation. So I had her send me a picture. She did. Now, a princess needs a prince right? So I went online and found a picture of an eligible bachelor prince. Some guy from Jordan. I then took the two images, placed them side by side, and had some photoshopped ceremonial garb.
In otherwords, I married the prints. Of course, I took pictures of the happy event and sent them to the "princess" with the caption "I already married the prints." The scammer didn't reply unfortunately.
But when I do, he laughs
According to them, I have an outstanding balance
Now I see it everywhere.
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while?
Daughter groaned, employee laughed, other dad's nodded approvingly.
My worst fears confirmed. I have Novid-19!
“Protects against harmful rays”
I'd hate to toot my own horn.
They've opened a murder investigation.
She confirmed my worst fears. Diagnosis: Barkinson's disease.
I should have bought asparagus
A woman from Michigan is a Michigoose
Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.
So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.
He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.
As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.
She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.
This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.
When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.
This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.
The two couldn't be happier!
They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.
One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.
She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.
She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.
A shallot, if you will.
A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.
They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.
The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.
Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.
Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.
He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.
One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.
The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.
She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to
... keep reading on reddit ➡A grill runs out of gas
...log cabins
Apparently there's a nasty bug going round!
Because they offer koalaity service.
Credit where credit is do... my wife just said that out of nowhere.
I love her so much
Murphys Law is the idea of anything that can go happen, will happen. Coles Law is just very thin sliced cabbage.
"Oh, It was just a hunch."
Do the other plants photo-sympathize?
. . . To keep them from rolling over and falling off the bed. Kick stand.
They always say “fire at will”
May is over. It's June.
I have twin daughters, and when I know they're hungry I always pick one up and say "Hey! You feel a little light, you must be hungry!" Now I feel a strange compulsion to do it every time.
I can confirm that there were no parts of a tree in the pan
He climbs a pole to find someone who grinds men's bones for bread
Why do Lutherans smell?
They enjoy sitting in their own pew.
Because not many of them know how to dance...
Ok, so it was valentines day and a guy says "well its lovely to see you again", is it a pun? I am under the impression it's a loose one, but I hate it so much that I think I've been blinded into thinking it's not. Valentine's/ "lovely"....
Thanks
I can confirm he has a herring problem
WOOHOO! YEAH NO. 1! GO CEILING!
I went over to my friend's house, as we're planning a weekend of camping in funny clothes, and there’s still some sewing left to do.
Her: Do you know if your mom knows how to sew gussets? Me: I can only GUSSET my mom's skills with sewing.
I laughed, her husband laughed. She and the children groaned.
The wife's was complaining about missed periods but I thought she was just ovary acting.
Context: We were discussing the Malaysian airline situation and it's coverage on major news networks. He says > "They're covering this story so much, you could say its becoming a plain story"
Whole class groaned
A new postman on a route sees that in outgoing mail are several letters he delivered a day before. He thinks it's odd and redelivers them to the right mail boxes. Next day he sees the same letters again and he gets curious and sees that they all were addressed to same street. He redelivers them again to the right mailboxes. Same thing happens on the third day, so he thinks hard and formulates a hypothesis. He wants to confirm it, so he decides to stop his route delivery and wait there rest of the day.
Around 7 pm, he sees 4 men come to the mailbox, take their letters and put them back into the outgoing bin. The postman runs over to them and asks "hey, you guys use Reddit?" - they say "yeah, how did you know?", The postman says "all that reposting is pissing me off guys"
They were arguing about the weather, one thought it was hailing, the other was sure it was rain. To settle their dispute they approached the communist officer, Rudolph. Rudolph settled the score by confirming that it was rain. The man then turns to his wife and says “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear”
Hot pockets.
I made this one up when I was in freshman year of high school 2008, all my friends and family at the time can confirm.
While they are walking it starts to precipitate. The man insists that it is raining, but his wife, who has only ever lived further up north where it can only snow, thinks that it is some weird form of snow. They spend a few minutes trying to convince each other before the man says “let’s ask Officer Rudolf, he’s a very smart man!” So they stop and say “Officer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?” Officer Rudolf confirms that it is raining, and the couple continues to stroll. Later the wife asks how he knew Officer Rudolf could answer them. The man simply replies, “because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear.”
Joke, joke, joooooooooke!
No-one ever laughs when I tell this joke but the reactions i get are great.
No son, I had my scalp enlarged.
It looked like foul play. The mason wasn’t a suspect. He had a concrete alibi. The night of the accident he said he was with his girlfriend. She confirmed this. There was a wall of evidence. Consequently his alibi was rock solid and not just a facade. There was damning evidence that it was the plumber. They figured his alibi, that he was at the casino, wouldn’t hold water. But cameras showed fluid betting all night. This, obviously, threw a wrench in the investigation. The investigators followed a lead to the electrician. He had a shocking secret. It seems the electrician had been charged with battery only months earlier. But it was a dead end. They looked at the HVAC installer, but his alibi was airtight. Next, they tried to nail the Roofer, as he had been spouting off about the victim the day of the accident. But the roofer had been hammered all day. There was no way they could paint him as the cunning mastermind.
Then they saw the writing on the wall: the painter had both motive and opportunity. He was seen canvassing the accident site a few strokes before midnight when the accident occurred. The victim fell off a faulty ladder that was covered in finger paint. It seems the victim and the painter had a few brush-ins before. And it wasn’t a pretty picture. The painter was indicted, but despite all the evidence, the charges didn’t stick and the jury let him roll off clean.
I'm not sure why, I can't see myself wearing it.
"Pun-patrol! You s-pun around on your chair way beyond government regulations!"
"I can't help it! I'm pun-sexual!"
"Sir, o-pun the door or we will have to use force!"
"Stay back! I have a hostage! I don't care if my crimes will ever get ex-pun-ged!"
"Lay down your wea-pun! Face your pun-ishment!"
"Sir, I just arrived and can confirm, he has a Pun-da!"
"Thank god for your pun-ctuality! This changes everything! Now go and pun-ch down the door!"
crashing noises
"Sir! We have fumes! God, what is this pun-gent smell??"
"Ahaha, you ran into my trap! Now die, Pun-k!"
"AAAAAAAAAAH!"
silence
"No time for com-pun-ction. Come, S-pun-ky, we need to leave. Let's head for Pun-ama."
EDIT: formatting.
needless to say, shawty got l'eau
The nurse, my wife, and my mom discussing how he "came so early"
I interject with "I guess you could say he has a problem with, premature evacuation"
To my surprise they all actually laughed hard.
It was promoted to kernel!
Step 1
Step 6
Step 8, 9, 10, 11...
I confirm she is illumine arty
You can only ran because it's past tents
They said they needed a CAT scan
CAT scan came back negative.
Dog confirmed not a cat.
He takes the bill, holds it up to the light, and asks the cashier if it looks alright because he just printed it this morning.
Did you hear the news that just broke about Donald Trump? Apparently, it's been confirmed. He's bisexual.
No, really. If he doesn't buy-sex, he doesn't get any!
[Yeah, I know. It's a phonetic joke that doesn't work well in written form, but it works well when spoken.]
Ten tickles.
"I'm an American, so I'm free every day."
We are watching a show that takes place in Newfoundland. They had a wierd accent, so I asked my wife: "Do Newfoundlanders really talk that way?" Without missing a beat: "I don't know, I've only met the dogs and they don't talk much. "
Or are you good for nothing?
Now I see it everywhere.
Now I see it everywhere.
... but doctors have now confirmed that it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they can now assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.
Now I see it everywhere I look.
