What did a constipated moses demand while on the toilet?

"Let my fecal go!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MasterNova924
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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A cop stopped me and demanded i get out of the car. "You're staggering" he said.

"Well thank you. You're not so bad yourself."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 63
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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I just got a letter from a herb and spice company demanding the $100 I owe them.

If I don't pay them within a week, they have threatened to send the bay leafs around.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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We got a new air mattress but it was too lumpy. We called customer support, very angry, demanding our money back!

They said we were blowing it out of proportion.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Sir_Pluses
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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Did you hear about this new soup that's highly in demand?

It's always out of stock

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/almondjoyeee
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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I own a fake town which is actually a horror theme park and I only let a few people in at a time to keep demand and prices high.

It's called artificial scare-city

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TomBaiRaise
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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A friend of mine is starting a new business... he thinks there's going to be a huge demand for cannabis-fed cattle.

I thought about investing, but the steaks are too high.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VA_DiagSexAddict
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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I went to my dads mirror warehouse

Upon further reflection i decided to leave

I just thought this up I hope its an original one

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kaoskrim
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What do you call the kid in class that always demands the teacher give the exam results ASAP?

Markus

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Lakkabrah
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Demand for trampolines fluctuate
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/celerybreath
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 26 2020
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When she has demands
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Elephantbookworm11
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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Once upon a time in the jungle...

Once upon a time there were numerous tribes in a jungle. Each tribe struggled to survive, and over time and as skills evolved, tribes began to trade goods with each other. One tribe learned the skills of architecture, and traded designs for safe grass houses with neighboring tribes for other necessities, such as food. Over time, the tribe grew quite rich, and without the need for goods the chief of the tribe demanded payment in the form of a tribute, an ornate throne. Over time the number of thrones the chief owned grew more and more numerous, so he had a great multi-story grass house built to store all of his thrones. One day, the weight of the thrones became so much the house collapsed, killing the chief. The moral of the story isโ€ฆ wait for itโ€ฆ

He who lives in grass houses shouldnโ€™t stow thrones.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Pirate-Frog
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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โ€œNationโ€™s Geologists demand more money for Marijuana researchโ€ I guess those geologists are a bunch of Stoners.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sK197666
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 04 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Did you hear that due to the high demand for toilet paper they are going to allow it to be used as currency?

They call it buttcoin.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/harrisbradley
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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I stormed into the library today demanding to know why the book on high conflict personalities I'd ordered still wasn't in.

"It's not our fault" said the librarian,

"That's the one" I replied.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rav4xle
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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My boss sent me an email in big, dark letters demanding that I personally deliver my report to him ASAPโ€ฆ

Iโ€™ve got to hand it to him, that was pretty bold.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CorbanzoBean69
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 10 2020
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Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion โ€“ but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits โ€“ all from late twentieth-century Terra โ€“ on a training study of Carterโ€™s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

โ€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are gradedโ€, exclaimed one student. โ€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?โ€

โ€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearbyโ€, said Feghoot. โ€œLet us walk that way while I explain.โ€ As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carterโ€™s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

โ€œI seeโ€, said the student. โ€œItโ€™s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s right,โ€ Feghoot went on smoothly. โ€œYou just hit the road jack and donโ€™t come back no mo.โ€

His students registered dismay and anguish.

โ€œIsnโ€™t that right, old-timer?,โ€ Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

โ€œAhm afraid not, suhโ€, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. โ€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. Itโ€™s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

โ€œSo you see,โ€ he finished, eyes twinkling, โ€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.โ€

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. โ€œAnd heโ€, he said, turning to his students, โ€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/nomnommish
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Currently in the hospital after the birth of our third child. Wife talking to lactation consultant about supply vs demand.

I chime in, "Sounds like MILKroeconomics 101."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JoshSamBob
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 28 2020
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My wife demanded that I take the spider that was in the kitchen, outโ€ฆ

Nice guy! We got a couple of beers. He wants to be a web developer someday.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 464
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BusyPooping
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
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The Mysterious Sound

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.

The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/gasballbutsmol
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

So I had to put my foot down

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Cc1963
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A Jamaican man has stormed into my hairdressers and demanded I give him a new style

I'm dreading it

๐Ÿ‘︎ 408
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GaryTheKnight
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
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A guy walks into a bar with a dog and the bartender says "No pets allowed!"

The guy says "This isn't a pet, he's my friend and he can talk."

The bartender is skeptical and demands the guy proves it.

The guy asks the dog "What's the opposite of 'soft'?" The dog replies "Rough!"

The bartender remains skeptical and asks for more proof.

The guy asks the dog "What do people put over the top of their house?" The dog replies "Roof!"

The bartender gets annoyed and gives the guy one more chance.

The guy asks the dog "Who is the greatest baseball player of all time? Babe......" The dog replies "Ruth!"

The bartender is fed up and throws them out. The dog says "Should I have said 'Lou Gehrig?'"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sarcasticpremed
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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All donkeys of the world gathered in a rally and demanded a seperate nation for donkeys

The leader donkey got shot and killed.

Ass-as-a-nation

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/crazyjarvis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
[OC] Why is Sharon demanding to speak to your manager?

Because Sharon is Karen! (โ˜ž๏พŸใƒฎ๏พŸ)โ˜ž

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TimmyTesticles
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What has only one finger and is very demanding ?

A Ransom Note.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 1k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/frenzy3
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 19 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on the lap.

Heโ€™s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum haired beauty jumps to feet, โ€œwhat gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?โ€she demands. โ€œWhat does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?โ€

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology

โ€œYou keep out of this! She yells, โ€œIโ€™m talking to that little jerk on your knee!โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/crazyfortaco
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I tried to belch on demand

But I just didn't have it in me

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dmdeemer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
If Karen had a job, what would her position be?

Head of the chain of demand.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Anonymous8776
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What did the banker break up with his girlfriend after she demanded that he forgive her loan?...

He lost interest

Edit: *Why

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Vladipus222
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
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Ron worked at Chihuahua Nation Incorporated.

One day, a blind customer came in with his chihuahua and demanded a return. โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong with your CNI dog, sir?โ€ Ron asked. He yelled, โ€œThis isnโ€™t what I meant!โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/morsodo99
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why does Tom demand his egg cooked with a perfectly circular yolk?

Because he's eggcentric

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Disrupturous
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 09 2018
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The lights on my roof damaged Santa's sleigh last night. I was really worried he'd demand I pay for the damages.

But I don't owe anything; it was on the house.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Maimonides_vii
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
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Judge: I hereby find you guilty for all crimes you have been charged with. For sentencing I order you to spend life behind bars without possibility of parole

Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one.

Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 526
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/johnblu5
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What did the unappreciated on demand water heater say to the water softener?

This is a tankless job.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ThisismeCody
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
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My wife demanded i stop singing that Oasis song.

I said, "Hey now!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ganders81
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 26 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
So a friend of mine was saying that her son was too demanding and that he needed to learn the world doesn't revolve around him.

I told her that hers does because he's her son and the world revolves around the son.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Calthropstu
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What does the french fry god demand?

Sack-o-fries

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lemonoranges2
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 04 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Two friends are sitting in the bar drowning in their miseries......

The first one goes "I lost everything with my divorce, wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. and here I am sharing a rented apartment with you. Nothing can be worse than this."

The second one assures him that his situation is much worse than him.

"How??" Demands the first one.

"Well I had a booming business and all the riches" he moaned. "Then it all came crashing down, with losses incurring, I lost my wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. And here I am sharing a rented apartment with you."

"How's your situation worse than mine" growled the first one.

"You see my friend" sighed the second one "I still have my wife!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ball5deeper
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Alice realized she would have to delay her trip a day since the White Rabbit demanded she give him a trim right now. She sighed, "Oh well..."

"...hare today, gone tomorrow."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/johnabbe
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 27 2017
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So the music exec demanded we put together a band out of just fishermen and soda jerks

Apparently he wanted to churn out catchy pop songs

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jesset77
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 24 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My buddy got a new job fixing on-demand water heaters

When I asked him how it was going he said, "it's a tankless job, but somebody's gotta do it."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/yoquiero
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 12 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I had a job as a Librarian...

but I found the work quiet demanding.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/youtellmebob
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My dad demands an "upstairs maid" for my parents' one story house.

He says it's only fair since Mom has a pool boy.

...Neither of these things are true. He says this all the time. Pls help.

Edit: They don't have a pool either.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/attacktheblock
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 06 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
There's a reason why archaeology majors are in such low demand.

It's a dying field.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bengalsix
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A guy walks into a bar with a girl

They walk up to the bartender and order. The girl orders water and the man orders magic water. The girl asks him "What's magic water?" The man replies "Its just like water but when you drink it you can fly." The girl exclaims "I don't believe you, prove it." So the two run up the stairs to the roof and the man jumps off and glides to the ground safely. The girl runs back down the stairs and meets back with the guy. She demands that he should give her some magic water to fly. So he does and the both go back up to the roof and jump off. The guy glides down and lands safely while the girl just feel and died. The guy reentered the bar and the bartender told him "You can be a real dick when you are drunk Superman"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BbBTripl3
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
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What is Salvador Dali's favorite breakfast food?

Surreal.

EDIT: My coworker demands that I give her credit for this. And she's right

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JMCatron
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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