Did you hear that U.S. Mail is starting a freight delivery service to compete with FedEx and UPS?

It’s called β€œS Cargo”.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blizzardwizard88
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend tried opening up a driving range to compete with Top Golf.

Not sure if he pulled it off but I know it took a lot of balls to do it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greg_zielinski
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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Did you hear about the naked toddler competing in the Olympics' 100m dash?

He was running a little behind.

(I believe this to be original; but I wasn't willing to risk searching for the key terms required to determine if someone else came up with it... apologies if I'm repeating a long ago joke)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aguynamedbry
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Whenever I am in a running competion i end up in Finland.

Because i am running to the finnish line.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Manan1506
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call the pressure Microsoft is under to compete with iPad?

Surface Tension

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TennisADHD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
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Elon Musk just completed his SpaceX warp drive, and Blue Origin can't compete.

He's light-years ahead of the competition now.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I told the cop, β€œYou can’t give me a ticket. I’m running a marathon tomorrow.”

The cop said, β€œSir, that’s not how you play the race card.”

πŸ‘︎ 200
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the team of white guys that tried to compete in an all vietnamese soccer league?

They didnt Nguyen a single game

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to compete in a stair climbing competition, but I lost in the first round.

I guess I better step up my game.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doogasa34
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Can any others even compete?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nathangreer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?

Because it was two tired.

πŸ‘︎ 125
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
If you buy Disney stock, and wait till they start competing with Netflix in November, you won't want to go to Disneyland or Disney World.

The stock itself will give you enough of a roller coaster ride.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aiaor
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend is competing with others to become a prison guard...

He is a con-tender contender.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Me and my brother, Victor, competed in a food eating contest...

He was declared Victor.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
🚨︎ report
The card game

A few years ago, was playing a card game with my frisbee team. We were competing in a frisbee tournament for spring break, and we had discs lying all around the Airbnb we were sleeping in. After playing the first few hands, I realized I didn't know what to do with my old cards.

I asked my teammate where I should put my used up cards. They pointed to some cards lying in a frisbee.

It was a disc card, discard pile.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phaesporic
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the three bears that were competing for the same job?

It was a grizzly competition between polar opposites but, in the end, one was way more koalafied.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
🚨︎ report
There should be a movie about a Jamaican curling team that competes in the Olympics.

Call it Curl Runnings

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πŸ‘€︎ u/1esserknown
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2018
🚨︎ report
When competing on a bird-related pun battle....

Owlways remember that Toucan play this game.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2016
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Every year my town has a 4th of July track meet during the day, and any age can compete. My geologist dad, heavy set and not ready to compete, entered the mile and obviously did poorly, but he crossed the finish line, gave me a shit-eating grin and said:

"......gneiss guys finish last."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2017
🚨︎ report
So there are these twins with dwarfism who compete in marathons together.

I hear short legs run in their family.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gutsymovekid
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the recent race to send a cow to space?

The steaks will be higher than ever

πŸ‘︎ 261
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YouIdiotSandwhich
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Which playing cards are the best dancers?

The king and queen of clubs

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/extremeavYT
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I own a business where two folks jump from a plane and compete to hit the most targets as they fall to Earth.

It's called Pair a' Shooters

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/garbagearmy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2018
🚨︎ report
How do you compete against other punners? thepunoff.com/
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bryanfuel
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2014
🚨︎ report
TIL in the late 2000s RIM was developing a voice interface to compete with Apple’s soon-to-be revealed Siri.

Hal-E-Berry.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2018
🚨︎ report
The last Czar challenged Santa Claus to compete against him in a marathon...

It was the closest race ever.

The entire time, they were Nick and Nick.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2017
🚨︎ report
The quarter pounder was alright, but it can't compete with my quarter pounder with cheese
πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goboatmen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2013
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that there were two competing titles for the new Star Wars movie?

Rogue Won.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/impulsive-ideas
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2016
🚨︎ report
I know on the outside I look competent, but deep down I have a debilitating fear that I'm actually in a bowl of spaghetti…

I guess you could say I have In-pasta Syndrome...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/intricate3
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2017
🚨︎ report
Sony had a PlayStation product to compete with the WiiU...

... called the PU.

Was never successful.

Everyone thought it stank.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/milesmac
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2015
🚨︎ report
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.

I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rurgtide
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I got into a pun war with my friend last night. imgur.com/a/cBMal
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfb1337
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2015
🚨︎ report
My son asked me if we can watch the Origami National Championships on TV...

I replied, β€œI don’t think we can do that.”

My son asked, β€œWhy not?”

β€œBecause it’s paper view...”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/louie_kc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2018
🚨︎ report
My Dad got me when I was 16, bleeding in a field and in agony.

I was 16 and at a rowing regatta I was competing in. It was middle of the day and very hot everyone was under these massive gazebo/tent structures with big guide wires and these huge rusty steel tent pegs sledgehammered into the dirt.

Anyways I was running late for my race and my crew were yelling at me so I started running. The shortest way was through the spectator area on a big downhill towards the water so at full pace I went that way.

About halfway the top of my barefoot trips on the rusted top of one of these steel pegs and I fall face first and tumble through the dirt with my foot and ankle split open.

People run from all directions, medical staff etc someone holds a towel over my head for shade and I see my dad. He's looking down at me but it's hard to see through the dirt in my eyes and people around.

He asks "bloody hell mate, what happened?".

In agony I manage a "I kicked a tent peg".

He knelt down beside me, looked me in the eye and said "how far did it go?"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sennais1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2014
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Humanlike machinery has been discovered in Africa. These machines make funny African related puns, which some humans feel threatened by.

But if Botswana compete with me, that's fine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2018
🚨︎ report
[Request] Puns for spay/neuter veterinary surgery team.

Hello, I'm in Vet school and just can't seem to compete with some of my fellow students' surgery team names. As students, we work together to do spays and neuters for shelter animals. We like to use funny pun names.

Ideas that have already been taken: "Ovarian Cysters" "Dogtors at Your Cervix" "Eggs Ovary-Z"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ilostpoints
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2018
🚨︎ report
That's an Oddly Shaped Pie

There was a village that had four competing pie shops, each inhabiting their own corner of the town. One of these shops was named "The Circle".

The Circle wanted to gain an edge on the other shops, they wanted to stand out. They realized they could transport more pies in their boxes if they made the pies square instead of circular, so they would stack better. The only place in the village to have these oddly-shaped pies is at The Circle.

So, for the area of The Circle, the pie are squared.

πŸ‘︎ 370
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomfc
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2017
🚨︎ report
Need help with a pun!

I recently posted a picture of a peaceful looking, meditating waldo with a title that reads "Plot twist. Waldo finds himself". My uncle replied with the awesome pun: "Waldo is my "om" boy!"

I need a pun to compete! Thanks for any help.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ibcurlyfry
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2015
🚨︎ report
Help! I need puns about puzzles!

Context: There is an upcoming 250 piece puzzle-making competition at work where teams compete to be the fastest puzzle-solvers. It is a corporate activity. I'm writing the invitation to be distributed and I want to get people participating. Help!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shilreddit
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2017
🚨︎ report
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
🚨︎ report
French dadjoke that stumped Will Shortz on NPR

Heard this one on the radio during the Sunday Puzzle segment on NPR's Weekend America yesterday. A grandfatherly contestant on the program (named GΓ©rard) asked this riddle of NYTimes puzzlemaster and Yale enigmatologist Will Shortz:

"Two cats are competing to see who would win in a race swimming across the English Channel. The cats' names are One-Two-Three Cat and Un-Deux-Trois Cat. Who won?"

Shortz was stumped. The contestant answered the riddle saying:

"The English cat, One-Two-Three Cat won because Un-Deux-Trois-Quatre-Cinq."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bachrock37
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2014
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My Dad has been telling this joke for years.

Alex Rodriguez asked an Alaskan Husky if he had competed in any sled races. The Husky replied "I did A-Rod".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lmaqptie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2018
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A man from Delhi who worked for Microsoft got fired after trying to start his own software company.

He forgot he'd signed a naan-compete.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BarryJertheim
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2015
🚨︎ report
During the World Cup

During the pre-game, when showing the teams about to compete:

>Dad: Oh man, those guys are gonna be slip-slidin' all over the place!

>Me: Why? Is it raining?

>Dad: No, its Greece.

goddammit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sinisgood
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2014
🚨︎ report
3 Dads

R's son was on the HS fencing team. Now at College. Me: Is B on the fencing team in college? R: No. He competed in only a couple of events his Sr. year in HS. G: So he didn't stick with it. Me: If you don't keep up you get rusty. R: He lost his edge... Me: I get the point

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/C4Dave
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2016
🚨︎ report

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