My friend claims the he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I donβt believe him.
But thatβs his story, and heβs sticking to it.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Jan 11 2021
Just had my first day on the job as a co-pilot of the Millenium falcon...
It went well but I made some Wookiee mistakes.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Apr 11 2021
We know the Panama has had its problems, and the Suez had that ship stuck recently, but my co-worker must know of another problematic waterway. Every day he yells out...
βFar Canal. I hate this placeβ.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
I was really scared when I started as a pilot. I looked down nervously and said: "What are all these buttons for?"
The co-pilot said: "They keep your shirt closed."
π︎ 43
π
︎ May 18 2021
I asked my co-worker, "Bro, you want this pamphlet?"
π︎ 36
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
I once got into an argument with a co-worker, who slammed the door so hard when he left, it broke the latch.
Which sucked, because I thought we needed the closure...
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
My co-workers and I would suffer from wrist pain when we would drive through a mountain on our way to work together
We were diagnosed with carpool tunnel syndrome
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
A friend of mine made a terrible mistake at work.
When he came in the next day, his face was purple. His co-workers told him he shouldnβt beet himself up.
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 17 2021
None of my Co-workers are left handed.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
Whatβs another name for a pro angler?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Feb 27 2021
Facts π―
π︎ 8k
π
︎ May 28 2020
I have a co-worker who claimed for years that he hates Christmas. He finally broke down and told me he secretly loves it, he just has a reputation to maintain.
He finally came out of the Santa Claus-et.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
A roofer was decapitated today while telling a dirty joke to his co-worker
I'm not sure what the joke was, but somebody should get his head out of the gutter.
π︎ 30
π
︎ Oct 10 2020
What is the most co-dependent of all the pastas?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 30 2020
My son and his co-worker are janitors who moved in together.
Theyβre broommates who sweep together.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 07 2020
From my co worker: What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 10 2020
I tried to convince one of my co workers to buy the first round of drinks after our shift...
He said no, but it was worth a shot.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 23 2020
I finally finished my training film for army commanding officers after more than 18 attempts.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 15 2021
I imagine when Microsoft's co-founder Mr.Gates gets a suit tailored, they must fit him perfectly.
They have to fit the Bill.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 14 2020
LPT: If you don't want to buy sandwiches to your co-workers, just buy them with mistakes: Other kind of bread, other size...
π︎ 22
π
︎ Jul 16 2020
As my impeccably dressed co-worker has aged, incontinence has set in.
He went from dapper Dan to diaper Dan.
π︎ 10
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︎ Aug 07 2020
I got picked for this five-day-a-week, year-long sleep study. It pays $15,000 a month.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jun 06 2020
There is a religious veterinarian who has a strict rule that only one vet can work on large animals at a time
Because it is a sin to co-vet an oxen or donkey.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 17 2021
My co-worker Nicholas is rarely late for work meetings, but it often shows up within 2 minutes of the meeting start time
I guess he likes to show up in the nick of time.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 07 2020
Restaurant in Loveland, CO
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 11 2020
Gave my co-worker a can and asked him to open it. After he opened it I said that he was a can opener.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 22 2020
Co-worker got a new drill and another co-worker responded, "Oh man, he's got a gun!"
The followed response, "Guys calm down, it's just a drill."
π︎ 161
π
︎ Dec 05 2019
At the company picnic, my co-worker said he had some juicy gossip. He loaded up his plate but tripped on the way to my table...
π︎ 2
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︎ Aug 03 2020
A pregnant co-worker walked into the office the other day. I took a look at her baby bump and said βitβs becoming apparent that youβre becoming a parentβ.
Stay safe everyone and try to keep smiling
π︎ 15
π
︎ Mar 26 2020
What starts with a CO ends with a CK and hurts when you donβt expect it?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 01 2020
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
Itβs quite the CoNunDrum
π︎ 81
π
︎ Oct 04 2020
Bill Nye has a daughter who doesn't believe in science.
π︎ 461
π
︎ Nov 28 2019
Why shouldn't you call anyone average
π︎ 50
π
︎ Jun 23 2020
The O.Henry Pun-Off is back βON!β - Tongues of puns linger
- Like all cherished things in this covid-crazy world, the O.Henry Museumβs famous free, family friendly celebration of the wit-in-word will take place virtually in cyberspace this year. With an awesome live cast of lively wits and tortured tongues, the online audience will be treated to all the linguistic twists, dramatic turns, and surprise endings theyβve groan to love. Expect to witness wacky word butchers and voracious verbivores from around the globe, all worming their way into your ears. Tongues of tradition, tension and camaraderie make this the premier event for the world's competitive wordplay community
- Brought to you this year by the City of Austin, Brush Square Museums Foundation, and co- sponsored by Austin's very own Fantastic Magic Camp, as well as the internationally renowned podcast, Pun Intensive, The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition will commence Saturday, November 21, 2020
- Preliminary live rounds begin Saturday, November 21, 2020, at 11:00am CST, lasting about 2 hours. Later that evening, live competition resumes at 7:00pm CST with head-to-head prime time heats. - See Pun-Off.com for schedule details, links, and more.
[Austin, TX, November 1, 2020] - Although traditionally held outdoors on a single day in the spring, the first portion 2020 the O. Henry Museum Pun-Off competition known as Punniest of Show was conducted via video in October. Now on Saturday, November 21, 2020, PARD will bring you their most popular second segment, O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition
This free, fun, and family friendly event will take place online this year, but with special twists, turns, and surprise modifications to make it the perfect 2020 event for the world's competitive wordplay community.
The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships have been an Austin institution for 43 years. As usual, the contest will feature a cavalcade of word-class wordsmiths from across the globe, all worming their way into your art. Join and enjoy us as they compete to spontaneously spit out the most absurd words youβve ever heard.
The event will be live streamed at PunIntensive.com.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
Last year I made a video with my co workers.
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 30 2020
My co workers are like my Christmas lights...
Half of them donβt work and the other half arenβt that bright.
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Nov 29 2017
What do you call the Mandalorian's partner?
Co-Mando.
(Credit to my girlfriend)
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Dec 14 2019
Being a co-driver can really get tiresome
π︎ 20
π
︎ Jul 21 2019
My co-worker told me The Weekend is coming to Vancouver this year.
I told her the weekend comes to Vancouver every 5 days.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 27 2020
What did the drunk say to his buddies as he left the bar?
AL-CO-HOL you later!!
(Stole this from a show dont come for me)
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 20 2020
My co-worker asked me if I like Eminem...
I said "no, I'm more of a Skittles guy."
"No I'm talking about the rapper."
"Why would I want to eat the wrapper?" I asked.
π︎ 35
π
︎ Sep 11 2019
I teach elementary special Ed, and my co-teacher and I joke back and forth all day. This is our most recent best.
Co-teacher: "Students name" came in and said he lost his throat.
Me: Oh no! Did he check where he last remembered having it?
Co-teacher: He couldn't say.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Dec 23 2019
(First day as pilot.)
Me: (looking down nervously) "What are these buttons for?
Co pilot: "They keep your shirt closed."
π︎ 50
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
First day as a pilot....
Me: (Looking down nervously ) "What are these buttons for?"
Co Pilot: "They keep your shirt closed "
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
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