Why is Christmas shopping a sin?

Because the devil is in the retails.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tachankas_chanka
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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Dad got me while out Christmas shopping

"Hey, I just saw a sign that said 'Free geese, come on in and take a gander!'"

I promptly showed him this sub.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackaffinity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2016
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Got my girlfriend while we were out doing some last minute Christmas shopping

Her: I hate cold weather. It makes me all cough-y

Me: What flavor?

Her: Flavor? Wha-- Ugh.. Cough, "coffee," I get it. You're retarded and I hate you..

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2014
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My Dad came home from shopping and said he had bought a new exciting board game for the family to play at Christmas!

http://imgur.com/a/GPyVq

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RandomStud3nt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
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My Dad on Christmas tree shopping

Me: What time are we going to buy the tree? Dad (turns around smiling): Tree o'clock.

So simple, but so beautiful

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BitchOnAPension
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
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Christmas Tree Shopping

The wife, kids and I were out at the lot to cut down our tree.

The guide asked us if we wanted to be shown where the pine tree lot was.

I did the "oh no you didn't" double snap of my fingers and said:

Birch, Please!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zackprice
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2014
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Wife knows I hate shopping, especially at Christmas. Dropped this gem on the way from the 3rd floor down to the 1st.

What's wrong, you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. It's just this damned escalator. It's really letting me down.

Got the whole eye-roll along with the sigh & groan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JeF4y
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2014
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Dad laid this one on me while we were christmas shopping

Did you hear a Brazilian died today? How many is a brazillion?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TH3M3RL1N
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2013
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My mother relayed this story from Christmas shopping with my father.

They get to the register, and comes the time that he's gotta use his debit card.

Clerk: You can swipe it now.

Father: Well, I thought I'd just pay for it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/silentxem
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2014
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People criticize shops for selling Christmas stuff too early...

Well, our supermarket sells birthday cakes and mine isn't for another 6 months!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
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A little story of a dadjoke that drove my wife crazy

When we were Christmas shopping for our kids, we went to target. After walking around for a while I got bored and eventually found a bouncy ball. It was a small inflatable basketball about tennis ball sized and being inflated instead of solid rubber, it made a louder noise when it hit the ground.

We were walking around and I was bouncing the ball. My wife got visibly irritated at the constant noise following her around and told me to please put it down. I bounced it again and said "I'm trying, but every time I do, it comes back up into my hand"

Que the groan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Piratey_Pirate
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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I just told a dad joke so shit my wife shouted at me and stormed off (not a joke)

She said I wish you would put as much effort into life as you do your shitty jokes. It wasnt even that bad.

The man on the news said "...in the run up to christmas stores are already announcing record sales" I said "thats not news HMV* announces record sales everyday".

*HMV is a music shop.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitcheg3k
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him β€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining β€œjingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. β€œRudolph” β€œFrosty the Snowman” β€œDrummer Boy” even β€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β€œ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. β€œNO honey it really works watch!” β€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. β€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out β€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hipphazy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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Returning the lost purse

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, β€œHmmm . . . that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.”

The boy quickly replied,Β β€œThat’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/returning-lost-purse/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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Christmas Present

My wife got me with this.

Me: You can do my Christmas shopping at a used bookstore.

Wife: I did, I ordered it from Amazon it used to be a bookstore.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sidrat_The_Gnome
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
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Star Wars Puns

From movie puns we provide you the funniest collection of Star Wars puns

What do you call 5 siths piled on top of a lightsaber? A Sith-Kabob!


Why does Princess Leia keep her hair tied up in buns? So it doesn’t Hang Solow!


Why shouldn’t you ask Yoda for money? Because he’s always a little short


What program do Jedi use to view PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi


What do you call a Mexican jedi? Obi-Juan Kenobi


What do you call the website Chewbacca started that gives out Empire secrets? Wookieeleaks


What do you call a Jedi in denial? Obi-Wan Cannot Be


Where does Princess Leia go shopping for clothing? At the Darth Maul


Greg: Which Star Wars character travels around the world? Craig: Who? Greg: Globi-wan Kenobi!


Matthew: What does a Star Destroyer wear to a wedding? Daniel: What? Matthew: Bow ties, of course!


Deen Why was the droid angry? Mark: Why? Deen People kept pushing its buttons.


Luke: Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road? Lei Not sure. Luke: To get to the Dark Side.


Darth Vader: I know what you’re getting for Christmas. Luke: How do you know? Darth Vader: I can feel your presents.


What do Whipids say when they kiss? Ouch.


What is a jedi’s favorite toy? A yo-yoda


What do you call a pirate droid? Argh2-D2


Where does Jabba the Hutt eat? Pizza Hutt


What is Jabba the Hutt’s middle name? β€œThe” Why is Han Solo a loner? Because he’s solo.


What do you call a Mexican jedi? Obi-Juan Kenobi What do you call a Sith who won’t fight? A Sithy.


What time is it when Darth Vader steps on your chronometer? Time to get a new chronometer.


What do you call a pirate droid? Arrrrgh-2-D2


Which side of a wookie has the most hair? The outside.


Where does Jabba eat dinner? Pizza Hutt


Who do Jedi call to help open PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi


What do you call someone that tries to be a Jedi? Obi-Wannabe


What do you call a bounty hunter from Alabama? Bubba Fett


What time is it when Jabba the Hutt sits on your blaster? Time to get a new blaster! Why is Luke


Skywalker always invited on picnics? He always has the forks with him.


Which imperial officer hated Thanksgiving? Grand Moff Turkeyn


What do you call stormtroopers playing Monopoly? Game of Clones


Why did

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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The checkout line

It's like a captive audience. Dad laid this one down while shopping for Christmas dinner.

Would you prefer paper or plastic, sir?

Either is fine, I'm bisacksual

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swiveldick
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2013
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Dropped this one on my girlfriend today.

(while christmas shopping at the mall)

Me: "Did you hear the military is developing a new rocket launcher that mounts on soldier's feet?"

Her: "No. Really?"

Me: "Yep, they're calling it the missile toe."

Her: "I hate you."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Agnostalypse
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2013
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Dadjoked my dad!

Doing some last-minute Christmas shopping, so we went our separate ways. Couple of hours later I called him to see where he was. This is how our phone call went down:

Me: Hiya Dad, where are you?

Dad: I'm just in Boots.

Me: Well, Justin, could you pass the phone to my dad please?

I won't forget about this.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamscully
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2013
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Got my grandmother today in the car

So I'm driving my grandmother around so she can go Christmas shopping. Her: I wish I had a date for New Years Eve. Me: You do, December 31st! It took her a few minutes for her to actually realize what I said.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Poop-Bandit
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2014
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For the 2nd time in 4 years, I got my girlfriend to laugh at one of my daily dad jokes! Hope you like it too.

We are watching a dumb hallmark Christmas movie and the main guy owns a coffee shop. He is getting married and I make fun of the fact that his vows are all coffee puns.

So my girl yells, "well, he is a coffee person!"

Me- "no babe, he is just a human person."

(Her laugh was really a slight chuckle and a "you're so dumb", but dammit, I am taking the win!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkelsey4610
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2015
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Vulgar Dad/Uncle Joke

This was told to me by my father's older brother but thought it belongs here.

I repeated this as a 7 year old during Christmas dinner to everyone.

A penguin was driving along in the desert when all of the sudden his engine begin smoking. Luckily there was a mechanic shop near by so he dropped his car off. The mechanic said it will be an hour or two. The penguin decides to wonder around the small town and sees a grocery store. To beat the heat he heads to the frozen section and hops in the ice cream cooler. He sees a tub of his favorite vanilla ice cream so he opens it up and digs in. Two hours go by and he hops out of the cooler and heads back to the shop to pick up his car. The mechanic say "You blew a seal." The penguin wipes his mouth and say "Oh no it's vanilla ice cream."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swimfan09
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2013
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Got my wife just now

We were talking about Christmas shopping. We have a tradition that I buy her a pair of shoes every year.

This year, she wanted to just go buy a pair herself.

"I said that would defeat the purpose of Christmas shoes.

...

Pun intended."

...

Blank stares. Nothing.

"De-feet."

Groans.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/themeatbridge
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2014
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Happy Holidays Edition

I was over at a friend's house a couple of weeks ago when his dad stopped by. I've had this friend for twenty years, and his father knew me since I was a wee lad. All of the Christmas decorations are strewn through the neighborhood, including my friends neighbors house whose yard is filled with these 4 foot tall wrapped Christmas gifts adorned with colorful lights. My friend's dad looked out the window and saw the boxes. "Say, your neighbors left some pretty big presents out in the yard." My friend replies, "You should take 'em, save money on your. Christmas shopping." His dad instantly says, "They might be too big to fit in my car. Although, they do look pretty...light."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Murmur322
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2013
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