My neighbour asked me β€œHey, how much wood did you chop today?”

I said, β€œNot sure. Let me check the logs.”

πŸ‘︎ 197
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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A lumberjack went into a magic forest to gather wood. As he found the perfect tree to cut down, he began sharpening his axe, and the tree exclaimed, β€œNO! Don’t chop me down! I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack responded, β€œAnd you will dialogue.”

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/articElite0
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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I can chop wood just by looking at it.

I saw it with my own eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/devnodegree
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
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I found a way to chop wood with my head.

But it gives me a splitting headache.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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I cut my foot whilst chopping wood

It was an axeident waiting to happen

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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I try to encourage my wife to come up with her own mom jokes. So when she asked me to make one up regarding wood, I got a little upset.

"Cedar, that's what I'm talking about. Its not oak-ee doke to take credit for what wood be my joke. Every bodhi has to create their own." I told her. Didn't mean to chop her down like that in hindsight. I hope she still pines after me.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2018
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Jack and the Beanstalk meets Little Red Riding Hood

This is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, after the story ends. After chopping down the beanstalk, Jack realizes that he’s actually pretty damn good with an axe, and casual vegetative vandalism really struck his fancy, so he began chopping down other trees for a living. He became a traveling woodsman, and he enjoyed many years of his simple life of manual labor.

One day, as he chops wood, he hears screams from a nearby cottage. Hurriedly breaking in (because recall: jack has no problem with entering houses uninvited), he sees a cross dressing lycanthrope attempting to devour a little girl dressed all in red and her little grandmother too. Wielding his trusty axe, Jack murdered yet another fantasy creature, and safely led Little Red all the way back home. Answering the door was a beautiful woman of around his age. After sending Little Red to bed, the two of them talked for hours.

One thing led to another, and a year later they were married with a child on the way. They had a beautiful little boy named Jack Junior who followed in his father’s steps to become a woodsman. This was fortunate, because as Junior grew up, Jack was feeling the pain of his previous adventures. An old back injury from jumping from the beanstalk was haunting him, and over time his posture grew more and more hunched. He had a tough time working, but at least Junior was becoming a strapping young man.

One day, Jack and Junior took the long road to the grandmothers place to bring her a meal, just like that fateful trio Red took so many years ago. When they arrived, the grandmother greeted them cheerily, welcoming them in and making conversation. β€œOh Junior,” she said, β€œyou’ve grown into such a handsome and strong young man. It’s so kind of you to handle all the work so your poor father, with his bad back and all, doesn’t have to. Why don’t you have a girlfriend yet?” Junior hesitated. β€œWell Grandma,” he replied. β€œIt’s because... I’m gay”. The close-minded, set-in-her-ways grandma’s expression became stormy. She pulled poor hunched-over Jack into adjacent room, and whispered angrily: β€œJack, your life is a mess! Your posture is terrible and your son isn’t giving me any grandsons!” Jack replied: β€œMa, we’re happy, you can’t just-β€œ But she interrupted. β€œNo excuses!” She snapped. β€œYou need to straighten your lumbar, Jack!”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coyoteTale
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2017
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An old favorite

King Broderick was in trouble. He wasn't a very good king, and his brother Argyle was gathering forces to depose him and take the crown. In desperation, he captured Count Petrie, a very popular man who was one of his brother's cronies, and tortured him to learn his brother's location.

But the count wouldn't divulge the information, so the King scheduled a public execution. The crowds gathered, including the King's brother, who was there in disguise. The Count was forced to kneel, with his head on the chopping block. The headsman stood nearby, holding his axe at the ready. King Broderick loudly proclaimed "Count, you are here before me because you have aligned yourself with my brother. If you tell me where he is, I will allow you to live out your days in my dungeon. Remain silent, and you will die." The Count remained silent. King Broderick motioned to the headsman, who slowly raised his axe and swung it down...THUNK...into the wood next to the Count's head. The Count stared at the axe, visibly shaking. King Broderick loudly proclaimed "Count, that was a warning, and there will not be another. Tell me where my brother is and you will live. Remain silent, and you will die!" The Count stayed silent. King Broderick again motioned to the headsman, who raised the axe. As the headsman began the downswing, the Count cried out "Wait!!" but...THUNK...it was too late, and the Count's head fell to the ground.

At the Count's death, the King's brother leapt up and revealed himself to the crowd. Cheering Argyle, they crowded forward and overran the King's guards. Soon, it was Broderick's head on the chopping block. Argyle, the new King, waved back the headsman, knelt beside his brother and whispered into his ear "Silly brother, don't hatchet your Counts before they've chickened."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nyarlathotep4King
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
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I pilot

Dad: did you know I pilot?

Me: ...dad, you don't fly.

Dad: no, your brother chops the wood and I pile it. (Pilot)

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/destin325
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2014
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Thought he was telling me some sentimental story.

Dad : "My dad used to build his own boats with wood from the forest and one day he brought me out with him to chop some wood and he stopped for a moment and looked at the tress, put his arm around me and said "One day son, all this will be oars."."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealRory
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2013
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My niece dad joked me

I was chopping wood and she said, "uncle Joe don't hit yourself. You wouldn't want an 'axe'dent"

Her father is doing well.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/josephgene
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2013
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I asked my lumberjack friend, β€œHow much wood did you chop?”

He said, β€œNot sure. Let me check the logs.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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β€œHey, how much wood did you chop?”

β€œNot sure. Let me check the logs.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
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β€œHey, how much wood have you chopped so far?”

β€œNot sure. Let me check the logs.”

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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"Hey!! How long have you been chopping wood for?"

"Not sure, let me check my logs."

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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β€œHow long have you been chopping wood for?”

β€œNot too sure. Let me check the logs.”

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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β€œHow long have you been chopping wood for?”

β€œNot sure. Let me check the logs.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2018
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β€œHow much wood have you chopped?”

β€œNot sure. Let me check the logs.”

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report

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