A man choked to death after ingesting mashed chickpeas.

At first it was thought to be a freak accident but police are now treating it as a humuside.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/moreton91
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death

The police are treating it as a hummuside

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shopcounterwill
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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My kids were disgusted. As I choked with laughter.

Sitting down having dinner with my wife and girls (1,3,4) and my three year old says β€œDo you know what my baby does?!” And she made her doll do a backflip on the table. And almost as if instinct, I said β€œwell do you know what my baby does?! MY BABY TAKES THE MORNING TRAIN...” and I hit them with the whole of Sheena Eastons song during dinner.

It was perfect.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OldManMarc88
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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I gave my wife some ground chickpeas and she choked to death.

The cops are treating it as a hummus-cide.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shopcounterwill
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
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My friend sneezed at dinner and choked to death!

I guess he bit off more than he could achoo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
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My Israeli dog just choked me out.

He's a black belt in Jew Shih Tzu.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/proheath
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
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My neighbor drank so much gravy on a Thanksgiving Day dare that he choked to death.

He went from the ladle to the grave.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
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He later choked while eating his artichoke.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vickyvaikunth
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
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I choked on some Indian food last night

It was a paneer-death experience

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πŸ‘€︎ u/polyrhythmmic
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2018
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[REQUEST] I'm looking for the best comeback to the old schoolyard joke, "Do you like seeeeee food?" While smacking and showing off the half chewed mouthful of lunchable they'd just choked down....

And I know most of you here can do better than my,

While stiff arming their face, "I don't wanna seeeeee yo food."

Do you get it? Do ya, cause it's about turning the joke back... You get it right?

Anyway, help a guy increase his dadjoke street cred with his kiddo and his lunchroom hecklers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GingerHero
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2015
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Choking Puns, STAT!

A female friend of mine has a sexual fantasy of being choked during sex (which she exposed during a drunken... "moment"), I am a bad person and find great pleasure in exploiting this via subtle public humiliation! SO, what choking puns have we got to offer?! I'd think of my own but I go to say them and I just choke...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeow91
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2017
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Choking on German sausage

Has to be one of the wurst ways to die.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThaDe_TherO
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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A man was enjoying his burger when someone broke the news to him that it was made out of 'Horse Meat'. Suddenly he went into a fit and started choking. Two hours upon rushing him to the hospital........

.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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I learned I have sleep apnea

It took my breath away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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Great joke, albeit a bit long winded.

There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him,

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball."

His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could've chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?"

"Okay son, go ahead."

The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls."

His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?"

The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls."

Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked.

"My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phrresehelp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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I tried smoking pot once.

I choked on the handle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
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Why can’t a train choke?

Because it choo Choos.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jsirrr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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A hitman named Arti was so broke he took a job for $5 and strangled 2 people at the grocery store

The next day the newspaper read "Arti chokes two for $5 at the supermarket"

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe, damn it! Breathe!

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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They are definitely KINDER
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NathyDre
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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What do you do when your dog is choking?

The caninelich manoeuvre!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dhwtyhotep
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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What did the train say to the choking train?

You should have choo chood.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jsirrr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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A guy starts choking on his food in a restaurant.

A doctor sees the man choking and springs into action. He runs across the restaurant, pulls the man out of his chair, pulls the man's pants down, and licks his butt. The man coughs hard, and the food is dislodged from his throat.

Grateful, he turns to doctor and says, "Thank God you knew the Hind Lick Maneuver!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/startrektoheck
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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I feel like I'm gonna choke a person one of these days by joking at the dinner table

And then get jailed for 12 months just for a man's laughter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManWithoutModem4
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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Is it probable to choke on a thick steak?

I guess the steaks are high.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrHollowed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
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Caption America
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πŸ‘€︎ u/subbu9969
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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Keanu Reeves: Chokes me

Me: you’re breathtaking

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheezBerger324
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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I know a Polish sound technician.

And a Czech one, too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirMalcolmK
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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Okay I'll bite.

I'm sick of choking on my food.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SchitzPopinov719
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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If you choke while sneezing. . .

You probably bit off more than you could ACHOO!!!!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
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My friend told me someone died choking on a sandwich

The first thing I asked was if it was chicken or turkey, because we can't dismiss fowl play.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rahulabon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
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Ever notice that in 'The Simpsons,' Homer choking Bart is a recurring gag?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dweebnut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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What did the loan shark tell the pastry chef as he was choking?

Cough up the dough

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
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What should you do if you see someone choking at a famous New York museum?

Perform the Guggenheimlich maneuver.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyUrb
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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My mother-in-law was having dinner with us, and began coughing while eating her corn on the cob. She said, "I'm choking on a kernel of corn".

I said "at least it wasn't a General of Corn". No one laughed except me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hornwalker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2016
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If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn to?

I guess, it'll just DYE.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaulmejitesh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2018
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I was eating Blueberry Wheats cereal when I asked my daughter "What is a ghost's favourite cereal?"

She rolled her eyes and said "Booberry Wheats, obviously"

I said "No, it's..." and then in a super spooky ghost voice "... WeeeeEEEEeeeetabix"

She laughed so hard she choked on her food.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/overkill
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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"Why are you choking yourself?"

Said the man who killed a grizzly with bear hands.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unlucky_genius
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2018
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Dad nearly made me and mom choke on our coffee

Backstory: I had bought a set of nice Nespresso coffee cups for my parents for Christmas (original, I know). But these aren't your standard, chunky, ceramic Christmas mugs with snowflakes or Santas, but actually something for the type of coffee fanatics that spend their money on Clooney's kind of blend, what else?

So - having dessert; cake, coffee, the whole shabang.

Me, inspecting one of said cups: "I'm glad I actually found a set that doesn't stay in the cupboard all year like literally every other mug you've ever gotten from anyone."

Mom, eating cake: "Mm-hmm."

Me: "Like, these are actually really nice. I like the pattern around the base and how they're round and square at the same time."

Mom, between bites: "They're very nice."

Suddenly, Dad, eating his cake completely silently up until this point: "You should take a picture of them. Might make for a pretty cool mugshot."

Cue me barely managing to swallow my coffee, Mom chuckling into her cup and both our subsequent groans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robowiizard
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2017
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