Choking Puns, STAT!

A female friend of mine has a sexual fantasy of being choked during sex (which she exposed during a drunken... "moment"), I am a bad person and find great pleasure in exploiting this via subtle public humiliation! SO, what choking puns have we got to offer?! I'd think of my own but I go to say them and I just choke...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeow91
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2017
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Choking on German sausage

Has to be one of the wurst ways to die.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThaDe_TherO
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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A man was enjoying his burger when someone broke the news to him that it was made out of 'Horse Meat'. Suddenly he went into a fit and started choking. Two hours upon rushing him to the hospital........

.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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What did the train say to the choking train?

You should have choo chood.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jsirrr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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A guy starts choking on his food in a restaurant.

A doctor sees the man choking and springs into action. He runs across the restaurant, pulls the man out of his chair, pulls the man's pants down, and licks his butt. The man coughs hard, and the food is dislodged from his throat.

Grateful, he turns to doctor and says, "Thank God you knew the Hind Lick Maneuver!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/startrektoheck
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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Ever notice that in 'The Simpsons,' Homer choking Bart is a recurring gag?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dweebnut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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My friend told me someone died choking on a sandwich

The first thing I asked was if it was chicken or turkey, because we can't dismiss fowl play.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rahulabon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
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What did the loan shark tell the pastry chef as he was choking?

Cough up the dough

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
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What should you do if you see someone choking at a famous New York museum?

Perform the Guggenheimlich maneuver.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyUrb
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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My mother-in-law was having dinner with us, and began coughing while eating her corn on the cob. She said, "I'm choking on a kernel of corn".

I said "at least it wasn't a General of Corn". No one laughed except me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hornwalker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2016
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"Why are you choking yourself?"

Said the man who killed a grizzly with bear hands.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unlucky_genius
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2018
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When I told my dad I saved one of my students today who was choking...

He said, "What do you want, a pat on the back?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fancynerrd
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2017
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Choking on food and hardly able to breathe, I scream, "Someone, call me a doctor!"

Dad replies from the other room, "Are you sure son?!"
I say, "Yes, I'm choking!"
Dad: "If you say so. You're a doctor!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coogzzz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2014
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Why do dads keep making jokes while choking?

It's their gag reflex

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TDVoid
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2014
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Dad joked my son when he was choking on a drink of water.

(Son) cough, cough "That water went down the wrong tube".

(Dad) "Oh no. Now it's going to come out your butt".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikedudical
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2014
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So I asked my dad how to help a choking dog...

Me: What do you do if a dog is choking? Dad: Simple, lick its butt. Me: Huh? Dad: Yeah, it's called the hind-lick maneuver!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_User_COOKIE
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
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Did you hear about the women that choked to death on her meal at the Indian restaurant?...

Yeah it's not funny it was someone's Naan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RogerFrederer
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
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I choked on a quarter last night

And now I fear change

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SubstantialBelly6
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
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Why don't trains choke?

Because they Chewchew

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XchrisZ
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
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A man choked to death after ingesting mashed chickpeas.

At first it was thought to be a freak accident but police are now treating it as a humuside.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/moreton91
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death

The police are treating it as a hummuside

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shopcounterwill
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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My kids were disgusted. As I choked with laughter.

Sitting down having dinner with my wife and girls (1,3,4) and my three year old says β€œDo you know what my baby does?!” And she made her doll do a backflip on the table. And almost as if instinct, I said β€œwell do you know what my baby does?! MY BABY TAKES THE MORNING TRAIN...” and I hit them with the whole of Sheena Eastons song during dinner.

It was perfect.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OldManMarc88
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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They are definitely KINDER
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NathyDre
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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I caught my wife with another man

Some stories have hooks.

This story has a bloody good one.

It's about loveβ€”

Or at least marriage.

My marriage.

At heart, it's your typical fish out of water story, but like I said there's a hook.

The hook's in the beginning.

Although it's really the tail end that's most movingβ€”at least now, when our love's drying up.

Understand:

I'm a fisherman, and I caught my wife with another man.

Well, I caught the man first.

I used Craigslist.

But I suppose the details don't really matter. It's enough to know that by the time he was naked in the shed it was too late for him to change his mind.

He broke down easily. He wasn't particularly thick skinned.

That's where the hook came inβ€”

pushed through a fold of flesh on his back.

He wasn't much in the size department, but I didn't intend for him to get hung up on it. Unfortunately, he kept trying to escape, so what choice did I have? Then he seemed quite insecure, so I pierced him with another steel hook just in case.

Like I said:

Bloody good hook.

After he stopped struggling, I took him down and dragged him to my boat. Then we went fishing.

Hold on, though.

I may need to backtrack a little, because you may be wondering how I even knew she was out there.

The answer is: I'd already seen her swimming a few times.

It was love at first sight.

Like many couples nowadays we met on the net.

So back to when I was fishing:

I was in my boat with the Craigslist man with the steel hooks in his back. I had tied a thick rope to one of the hooks, placed the man onto a net, and pushed them both overboard. He splashed and choked, attracting a lot of attention.

I waited for her call.

It came.

She sounded so near to me.

When she swam just close enough to the Craigslist man in the water, I pulled in the netβ€”and there she was: shining, mine to the gills and writhing so enticingly!

I took her ashore.

I placed her in a water tank and told her she would be my wife.

I screwed herβ€”

shut.

For days I watched her bangβ€”

on the glass.

Until one day it happened: the glass cracked, the tank broke open, and with the water she spilled onto the floor.

Now here I am, watching my marriage fall apart.

Her gills are barely stirring.

Her face: dry and still.

It's only her scaly tail that's still gently moving.

I caught my wife with another man. I met her on the net. I thought our love would last forever, but now, listening to her shriek, I realize I was catfished! I wanted to marry a sirenβ€”but this thing is nothing

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/normancrane
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2021
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Why can’t a train choke?

Because it choo Choos.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jsirrr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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I gave my wife some ground chickpeas and she choked to death.

The cops are treating it as a hummus-cide.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shopcounterwill
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
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What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe, damn it! Breathe!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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A hitman named Arti was so broke he took a job for $5 and strangled 2 people at the grocery store

The next day the newspaper read "Arti chokes two for $5 at the supermarket"

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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I learned I have sleep apnea

It took my breath away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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Great joke, albeit a bit long winded.

There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him,

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball."

His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could've chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?"

"Okay son, go ahead."

The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls."

His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?"

The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls."

Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked.

"My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phrresehelp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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I tried smoking pot once.

I choked on the handle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
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I feel like I'm gonna choke a person one of these days by joking at the dinner table

And then get jailed for 12 months just for a man's laughter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManWithoutModem4
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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My friend sneezed at dinner and choked to death!

I guess he bit off more than he could achoo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
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My Israeli dog just choked me out.

He's a black belt in Jew Shih Tzu.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/proheath
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
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Is it probable to choke on a thick steak?

I guess the steaks are high.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrHollowed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
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Caption America
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πŸ‘€︎ u/subbu9969
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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My neighbor drank so much gravy on a Thanksgiving Day dare that he choked to death.

He went from the ladle to the grave.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
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Keanu Reeves: Chokes me

Me: you’re breathtaking

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheezBerger324
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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He later choked while eating his artichoke.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vickyvaikunth
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
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If you choke while sneezing. . .

You probably bit off more than you could ACHOO!!!!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
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I know a Polish sound technician.

And a Czech one, too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirMalcolmK
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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Okay I'll bite.

I'm sick of choking on my food.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SchitzPopinov719
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn to?

I guess, it'll just DYE.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaulmejitesh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2018
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