My wife asked me: "Why have you been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?"

I'm looking for the expiration date.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/brisquet
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
me: β€œuh dad, why don’t i have a father on my birth certificate?”

dad: β€œwe couldn’t remember the mail mans name"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ObviouslyAwesomee
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 25 2019
🚨︎ report
When Mrs. Exclamation told her husband This that she was pregnant with her second set of twins, he was very excited. As had happened with her first twins, the babies looked nothing like their father. He didn't realize it though, and once again she put his name on the birth certificates.

Now This raises more questions.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/throwaway_2837
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 02 2018
🚨︎ report
They found the birth certificate of Yoda...

they were confused because it belonged to "Da Yo"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kinjago
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 22 2018
🚨︎ report
When I couldn't find my birth certificate
πŸ‘οΈŽ 18
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DownOnRedHill
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 05 2013
🚨︎ report
My grandad on a framed certificate I got recently

As I hand it to my nan,

Nan: oh its mounted!

Grandad: I see no horse?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AutisticDyslexic
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 22 2014
🚨︎ report
I asked my Dad to fill out a form for a new birth certificate

He goes to fill out my birth date "5th of the 4th ... 1889!"

Me: What? Wouldn't that make me ... 125?

Dad: You look really good for 125!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/spambat
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 11 2015
🚨︎ report
What kind of a prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in a year?

A trophy.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12k
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TerroristOgre
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of certification does a polygraph test examiner need?

A lie-cense.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Bruh-Nanaz
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Celebrated passing my certification exams...

http://i.imgur.com/3jYfmdE.jpg

πŸ‘οΈŽ 763
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/wooperdoop
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 06 2017
🚨︎ report
A vampire was giving a presentation at a career fair.

The vampire, being hundreds of years old, had decided to conduct an experiment to see which career path was the most rewarding. He had every degree and certification you could imagine, but he settled on a surprising choice: cleaning mirrors.

When questioned, he said, "There's something about cleaning a mirror that just speaks to me. Not only can you see your progress as you go, I just know I'm helping someone see their true selves, for better or worse. I'm as surprised as you are, it's not a job I could ever see myself doing."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 22
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 07 2020
🚨︎ report
How can you tell how old a tree is?

You ask it for it’s BIRCH certificate.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/20Chris04
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My daughter will be a good dad someday

Stopped at the grocery store last night. My teen daughter always picks out the apples (so we know we get ones she likes). When she grabbed one from the middle of the bin, a few on the top rolled to the bottom. She briefly panicked, then turned to me and says "whew! I almost caused an apple-anche!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 563
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/GaryGeneric
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 05 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad was riffling through old paperwork when my mum came in and asked him:
  • What are you looking for?
  • Our marriage certificate.
  • Why?
  • I want to check the expiry date.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was Karen such an intolerable witch?

It all started at birth when she was issued a Bitch Certificate.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/warpedddd
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Son, you know you're a true 90's kid...

...when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 22 2016
🚨︎ report
The Goblin Shark Is The Oldest Living Vertebrate...

...Living Up To 400 Years Old!

Marine 1 - How Do They Know That?

Marine 2 - They Checked His Birth Certificate.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
πŸ’¬οΈŽ
πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Colossal_chris
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 15 2016
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.