People say that I am self-centred

But that's enough about them

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheViralClovers
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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Today I met an opera singer, he was one of the most self centred people I've ever met

It was like everything he said was just "Mi Mi Mi Mi Mi!"...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kagawanmyson
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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I thought I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre.

I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mykeuk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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Why did the recycling centre turn away Don Corleone?

They were made an offer they couldn't reuse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaimesBond
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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*while my dad and I drive past a cemetery*

Dad: "Did you know that the people who live in this town aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"

Me: "Oh, why?"

Dad: "Cuz they're still alive."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yupitsnoone
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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I don't like how shopping centres are so similar..

You see one, you've seen a mall.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AbuSarlihah
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
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The pulley is the most egotistical of all the machines.

It’s always the centre of a tension.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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Had to quit my job at the muffler centre

Too exhausting

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
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Why can't Jesus play centre-back?

He's not too good at dealing with crosses.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
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Tough day at the muffle centre today...

... you might say it was exhausting πŸ’¨

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
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Why did the new disability centre hire a repairman?

To fix the blinds

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrakeVader
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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*Passing every cemetery as a child* Dad would exclaim....

"WOW, people are DYING to get into that place!"

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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Old terminology mixed with a new German shopping centre =
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Buddiebird
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
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When they use prisoners to operate call centres.....

..do they use cell phones?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blarty97
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
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My first job was at a shoe recycling centre.

It was sole destroying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Angry_Daniel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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Garden centre embracing both Christmas and Puns
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NobleMoistHam
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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*Passes town cemetery* β€œWell, it looks like we’ve reached the dead centre of town”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zac_george
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
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I was examining a lad's driving test.

At the end, he stopped us outside the test centre.

"You know," I began, "alcohol really impairs someone's judgements..."

The lad's lip quivered, "But I'm not drunk, mister."

"No," I replied, "I am, and you've passed."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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It’s Halloween season, and I saw Snow White working at the shoe store in our local shopping centre.

She is the fairest of the mall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
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My mate has a fear of over-engineered buildings. He has a complex complex complex

He went to the psychiatrist and he discovered it was more than just a fear. He has a complex complex complex complex

The Doctor sent him to a specialised centre.. It was the complex complex complex complex complex.

Unfortunately, it was an over-engineered building. Yes, it was a complex complex complex complex complex complex.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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There was a clothing art exhibit in my town's shopping centre. Someone made a pyramid of jeans. Pure artistic jean-ious if you ask me.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Paskill
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2013
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I used to work at a circumcision centre...

The pay was meagre but the tips were great.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Supersteel12
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2018
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I was at the garden centre the other day. I said, "Can I have three chairs for my patio please?"

He said, "Why, what's so special about it?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StinkyWeezle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2017
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Can you name 3 places in Scotland that are also the names of Grand Prix winning racing drivers?
  1. (Lewis) Hamilton

  2. Stirling (Moss)

  3. Ayr Town Centre!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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In honor of my late father...

who passed away this month in 2004, I'd like to repeat something he's said to me often throughout his years.

Dad: "Hey Son"

Me: "Yeah Dad?"

Dad: "See that place over there?" points to cemetery

Me: "Yeah? What about it?"

Dad: "People are just dying to get in there."

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyNameIsKodos
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2017
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Found this beauty in the shopping centre

http://i.imgur.com/K9AvDnz.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mehta23
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2014
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I work in a call centre...

Basically people ring in and complain about certain items they bought. This one guy rang in and was ranting about how disgusting his bananas were. The conversation went like this...

Him: Yea this is ridiculous, if I had've known when I bought them that they were this disgusting I'd never have got them at all

Me: Why, what exactly is wrong with them?

Him: They all black, and bruised. They look like they've been sitting on the shelves a while. They're horrible , they're just very...(3 second pause trying to think of the word to say)...very....

Me: Unapeeling?

Him: ... groan

Me: Sir?..

Call ended

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreenLava95
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2014
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Centre of town

My boyfriend and I were walking through town and as we were walking past a cemetery he turned to me and said... Him:"Do you know what that is?" Me: "What?" Him:"The dead centre of town."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bindi_irwan_fan01
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2015
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I said, "Who would want to live next to a cemetery?"

...To which my dad replied, "At least the neighbors are nice and quiet."

I groaned.

Edit: Told him about the post's popularity. He added, "Living next to a cemetery would be a very grave situation."

That joke killed me

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2015
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This graveyard looks overcrowded...

People must be dying to get in there...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/N0B0dyyy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2016
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HELP!! I'm in need of some pun name ideas for my new pub!

like the title says im in need of a funny/catchy/witty/ pun name for my new pub! there are already a few pubs around with catchy pun names like pub-lick, and sub-urban (they make sub sandwiches at lunch) can we come up with something better!! some info that might help you out. the pub is going to be in canberra, act, australia in the city centre i.e. civic.

lets see what we can come up with!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaleBoydd
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2014
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Every time we pass a cemetery..

Dad: How many people do you think are dead in there?

Me or someone who hasn't heard it already: I don't know, 10,000?

Dad: All of them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Huv
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2014
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Once you've seen one shopping centre...

... you've seen the mall

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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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I'm tired of going to shopping centres.

You've seen one, you've seen a mall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DjangoVanTango
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
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Among all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.

It’s always at the centre of a tension.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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Out of all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.

It’s always the centre of a tension.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.

It’s always the centre of a tension.

πŸ‘︎ 202
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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Once you've seen one shopping centre,

you've seen a mall

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2017
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Once you've seen a shopping centre..

You've seen a mall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tilleuno
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2017
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The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.

It’s always the centre of a tension.

πŸ‘︎ 395
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
🚨︎ report
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.

Because it is the centre of a tension.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
We were driving past a cemetery...

It was the dead centre of town.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leonstansfield
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
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The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.

It’s always the centre of a tension.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.

Because it is the centre of a tension.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2018
🚨︎ report

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