What does an anchored float say when it gets excited?

Oh buoy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2017
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My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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A Navy captain got in trouble for ordering an anchor much too large for his ship

Weigh more than needed

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.

More on this story, as it unfolds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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Why did the news anchor get his windows tinted?

To prevent others from Seein’ In.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/noreason13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started dating the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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[A British Joke] I was wearing a T-Shirt with an anchor on it and my Dad put the letter 'W' on the left side of it

He then said that's what you are son

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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News anchor: This just in. Polaroid cameras are coming back in fashion.

More on this as it develops...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talon184
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
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My girlfriend told me that i am the anchor in her life

I pull her down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nitemarex
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
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See what they did there
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NicholasP993
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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My news anchor college just couldn't stop rambling about how a bank robber escaped ...

So I told him to cut to the chase

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Loni4ever
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
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Why did the captain hate his boat's anchor?

It was a piece of ship.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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I got arrested while sailing the other day because I dropped anchor on a fish.

I told the police it was an accident, but they said it was on porpoise.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mfitzy87
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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My friends were convinced that boats stay docked due to the anchor. I knew the real answer, but I was alone so I decided not to argue.

It was the pier pressure

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CountryHeart11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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I learned something today. When the news anchor says, β€œIf you know anything about the crime, call the police,”

The cops get super pissed if you call them and re-tell the news story.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
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CBS News anchor just nailed a dad joke.

"NASA announced today that it has space for new astronauts."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dane83
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2015
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πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/over-lord
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2016
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Reporters and anchors should really be more careful...

they're always breaking news.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tbroman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2018
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Archery
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ratzypiet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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Where was the captain sent after he hit another ship?

anchor management

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ocean_Beast
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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What do you call a sailor who you don’t like?

A w-anchor.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?

You put her in a broadcast.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Travelertwo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2016
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My favourite part of working in an anchor factory is the job security.

You know that even if the investments have sunk and the business is going under, that job's not going anywhere.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RenaKunisaki
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2016
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Local news anchor just dropped this one in regards to the temperature

"Cue up the Nirvana because we're living in the 90s!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElasticDawg
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2014
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My local news anchor this morning regarding a car driving into a Great Clips

"It was a hairy situation at Great Clips..."

It took me a second to catch it but when I did I had to chuckle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KCP100
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2014
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Bill, the weatherman: β€œToday’s weather forecast will be two beans in a tomato, meat sauce.”

Anchor: Bill, what on earth are you talking about?

Bill: It’ll be a little chili.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MBisme
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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I can’t stop

I have anchor management issues

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TurkishGooble
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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Where does an angry sailor go?

Anchor management

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slutforchristmas
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
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He was violently frustrated to find that his sailboat had drifted a great many miles off course overnight

He needed to work on his anchor management

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2018
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So two Justins walk into a news studio.

They decide to play a game with the anchor while he’s on air. During the newscast they walk up to the anchor and ask β€œ which of us two is the most made for TV?”

The anchor turned to the camera and said β€œThis Justin”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwdodson
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
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If Republicans try to push through a bill related to the keystone pipeline, they should call it the Gasoline Alternative Source act

Because I want to hear a news anchor say "Today republicans tried to pass G.A.S., but Obama blocked the move with a veto."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notiesitdies
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2014
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A reporter nearly erupts.

So a news anchor is interviewing the avatar of a hawaiian volcano, a man made of molten rock. The interview goes well, but the volcano god cant' seem to stop staring at the reporter's chest with his eyes of burning, liquid stone. She plays it cool, but waits for the interview to be over to call the spirit on his rude actions. He looks her in the eyes, then points to her exposed microphone, clipped to her lapelle. "What do you call that," he asks.

It's a Lavalier mic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/necrotechnical
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2014
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Looking for some tools (variation on the "stud finder" oldie but goodie)

Wife asked me to hang up some new wall decorations she picked up. One was a little heavy so I wanted to nail into a couple studs instead of just using drywall anchors. She saw me rooting around in the garage and asked what I was looking for.

"My stud finder. Wish I could turn it on remotely so it would just find me instead!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/captainwoj
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2014
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At the library special collections desk, Dad needed to sign out for a rare book...

...and he had to use one of those pens on a chain. But he was standing too far away from its anchor and the chain didn't reach the signout form.

He looked up at the librarian and said,

> Do you have a pen with a longer chain?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kempff
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2014
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Just now, my dad said this

When the news anchor on tv asks "do you ever dream of taking a nap at work?"

To which my dad responds "Yep, but then i woke up and said 'oh crap, i'm at work!'"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/evl4evr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2013
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My girlfriend is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on that after the break.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
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My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
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My wife is kicking me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a TV News anchor.

More on that after the break.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with impersonating a news anchor...

More on this after the break.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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My wife is kicking me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on that after the break.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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