But the elder insisted "with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
She'll be happy to know I got the hint. I got her a magazine rack!
It’s my spell book
Catalogs...my nephew told me this one today and I genuinely chuckled a little.
W - I don't like black finish. M - Do you prefer black Norwegian?
Got a frown back.
Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'
The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'
The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'
The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'
The second redneck replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'
And put Mariah Carey on the cover
A CATalog!
When I said yes he pulled a picture of the cleaning products "pride" and "joy". The man carries these pictures in his wallet at all times.
A couple puns.
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).
edit: just a bit of formatting showing difference from one pun the other
Our receptionist collected the mail, and I overheard the following conversation.
Receptionist: Here's a catalog about clocks.. does anyone want to read it?
Boss: What? That'd be such a waste of time.
Boss then proceeded to smile as I bust out laughing in the other room.
For a little background my dad enjoys the more vulgar jokes. Anyway, he often jokes about his "company." In fact every time he answers the phone he answers as if it's a call towards his company.
(He answers the phone) "Hello this is the Viiiiibrator Repair Service." Caller - "the what?" Dad - "This is Dick Phitzwell's Vibrator Repair Service, as of right now only the installation department is available."
It's not a joke really cause there's no funny punchline. The caller normally laughs and then carries on with the call.
Another one he likes, "What does an 80 year old woman taste like?
Depends.."
The other day we are at the beach. We're walking back to our vehicle and he's carrying his metal detector in his hands. Random beachgoer - "Did you find anything?" Dad - "No, unfortunately my battery went dead... just like my ex-wife's 'curling iron' under her pillow."
There's many many more. I'll have to catalog them in some form. Let me know if you'd like to hear the life and times of Dick Phitzwell.
He showed me his audio catalog and asked me for "sound advice".
My wife was browsing a Boden catalog in the passenger seat while I was driving the car this morning. "I love everything in here," she said. "I want to just buy the catalog."
Incredulous, I ask: "Why pay for the catalog? It came for free in the mail!"
My dad always says this one when he sees someone wearing a knitted sweater or a shirt like this . Dad: "Is That your church shirt?" Stranger/anybody : uhhhhh... no? Dad: "Well its holy!" always followed by a chuckle
