Lettuce grow, lettuce grow, lettuce grow.
It hurts like the Dickens >_<
A hearse.
It is my jingle bell rock.
Scat
Do you hear what I hear?
What a half-baked attempt at making dough.
Silent night.
I said, "Son, forget the past, you can't change it.
"And forget the present, because I haven't bought you one".
"Bjørn is the king of Israel"
Every year on Christmas we'll have Nat King Cole playing through the house and eventually "The Christmas Song" comes on. Without fail, Dad belts...
"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost nosing at your nips."
Every year.
What do you get when you cross an ipod and a Christmas tree?
Pineapple.
Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen.
She would be barrel caskin'
They kept coming over singing those damn Christmas carols. Bah humbug!
If you came here looking for an OP, you got it.
The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him “This is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining “jingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. “Rudolph” “Frosty the Snowman” “Drummer Boy” even “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. “ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. “NO honey it really works watch!” “Im going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. “WAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out “CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”
..."Don, we now are gay apparel."
Every year for the past few years, I’ve written music for a tuba ensemble for a summer band camp. Last year’s music was titled “TubaChristmas in July,” which had “Hallelujah” by Pentatonix, “Carol of the Bells,” “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch,” and “Have Yourself a Merry TubaChristmas.” This year I’m about 90% sure we’re doing rock/classic rock. So far I have “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen, “Paint It, Black” by The Rolling Stones, “Livin’ on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi, “Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey, and some fifth song I haven’t chosen yet (BTW I’m open to song ideas).
I need a pun that mixes Tuba with Rock or with Classic Rock. Similar to how TubaChristmas in July doesn’t include song names, but you know it’s Christmas music on tubas.
Carol hated going to the Doctor’s office, she was afraid she would see he ex-Ray.
Heard this on a radio commercial.
Beer nuts are just under a dollar, deer nuts are just under a buck.
I was showing my dad some pictures from my trip to Europe. He saw a picture of a rock covered with moss and said, "I'm lichen that!"
For Christmas dinner we were having ham. The plate of carved ham was between my dad and I. Someone asked where the plate went. My dad says,"We're hoggin' it."
There was a store in my home town called carols cedar cellar. It was damaged in a flood and they knocked the building down exposing the basement. We drive by and my dad says,"Now you can cedar cellar."
I have so much to learn.
For as long as I can remember, my dad would go into the bathroom and drop a real stinky shit, then wait outside the bathroom until my mom wanders by at which time he would say something along the lines of "Goddamn Carol! Light a match in there next time! What crawled up your ass and died?!". My mom always would look mortified and defend herself as if she actually did it. Even after countless years of seeing him pull the same routine over and over again it's still hilarious.
Dev: "He seems nice."
Grandma Carol: "I don't like him. He steals our phone chargers."
Dev: "I don't think thats really a profitable racket... "
Grandma Carol: it's not about the money; it's about the power!
His response: Carol, stop! I dont need the nativity in my life
I was asked to help chauffeur a carload of youth around town for a Christmas caroling activity last night. One of the names on the list was Jack, who lost his wife earlier this year. Jack is in his early 90's, stands about 5'2, and is quite possibly the king of all dad jokes.
So, the group of about 25 kids and 5 adults sneak up to his doorstep and begin singing a few short Christmas carols. Eventually, he opens the door and is thrilled to have visitors.
After we are finished singing and the kids are all running back to the vehicles to get out of the 15 degree weather, jack steps out of his doorway and on to his porch. He is wearing a light t-shirt and pajama pants... he was setting us up, and we took the bait, hook, line, and sinker.
Woman: Are you freezing?
Jack: No, I'm not freezing, I'm Jack (pause for laughter)
Jack: but if you hang on for just a minute, I can get freezing for you.
and then he just stood there smiling at us. It was precious. Come to find out, Jack is entering a retirement home in a few days because he is getting to the point that it is hard to take care of himself anymore.
Oh boy, those nurses are in for a treat once Jack gets settled in.
Unpacking groceries into the fridge, the fridge starts with it's alarm that the door has been open for too long (jingle bells)
Me: I wish the fridge would shut the hell up! Step daughter: it's a smart fridge Me: well if it's so damn smart, why the hell is it playing Christmas carols in May.
Groans where heard throughout the house
So yesterday I went to the movie theater with my dad and we saw Need For Speed. In the movie they talk a little bit about Caroll Shelby, a famous performance cars designer. After the movie we talked a bit about him and he told me :
-I think Caroll Shelby designed my car.
I told him : I'm pretty sure he did not, you have a shitty little car but why do you think so?
He said : Son, it's obvious Mr Caroll named the Carolla after himself.
It hurts like the Dickens.
It hurt like the Dickens.
The holly and the I.V.
