Some chick named Susan threw herself at me.

Four days later and I still can’t believe I got sued.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Are Lazy Susans counterproductive?
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/Godredd
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2018
🚨︎ report
All year, I've been telling my friends I just want to meet someone, fall in love be married by my next birthday...

which was my 40th birthday. The BIG Four Oh! As in "Oh, you're 40 and not married? What's wrong with you?"

And my friends, as awesome as they are, kept setting me up on blind dates, but I never seemed to click with any of the women. Pretty women, short women, tall women, rough women, successful women, lazy women - I dated them all and more often than not, they just weren't interested in me.

I think I probably went on twenty or so dates that never resulted in a a single follow up date.

But two months before my birthday, I started dating two women and both fledgling relationships seemed like they were going somewhere as they were getting really, really serious. I couldn't choose one, but I didn't care. I just couldn't believe they were into me. Okay, maybe they weren't the best looking, but I was so desperate for a wife, and I'm definitely no prize myself.

With a few weeks to go before my birthday, I knew I had to act if I had any hope of being married. I bought two rings and proposed to them both (on separate nights, of course) and they both said no. In fact, though they never knew of each other, I went from two good things to both of them not returning my calls. I guess proposing in a mall food court (for Jenny) or down on my knees in front of the bathroom at a minor league baseball game (Susan) were not my best laid plans, doomed to fail. Or maybe I just reeked of desperation.

So the morning of my birthday, I was practically in tears, deep in depression as I knew I missed my deadline. But my friends came though, kind of. They took me out bar hopping and then we all went back to my place where they had a stripper waiting in my favorite chair. She got up, sat me down, and gave me a grinding lap dance. She said nothing, but after a minute, stopped, turned around, looked me in the eye and said "one." Then she started up again, stopped after a minute, turned around and said "two..."

This went on all night until she got to "forty."

It's been a few months now, and I'm not too sad. My friends really tried to get me married, and after two near mrs, I guess it was the thot that counts.

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend didn't even see it coming.

GF: I think the can opener is broken

Me: So it's a can't opener

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ‘€︎ u/jjthellama
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2014
🚨︎ report
Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Need help with a pun

So there's this girl in my class who I want to ask out. But I do not know her at all. We are complete strangers to each other. So I thought out oI should start the conversation with a silly pun around her name ?

Her name is Susan. I couldn't come up with a pun after a week of thinking. help me please!

Edit: Any kind of punny-conversation-starter will do as well. Thanks.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/GeekyReindeer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my own father!

We were talking about me being away at college and he said "you should call your mother sometime." I then asked him, "why would I call her that? Her name is Susan!"

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ‘€︎ u/LazzKnuckle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2014
🚨︎ report
What is the name of that crossdressing store at the mall?

Susan B. Anthony

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ‘€︎ u/flame_in_darkness
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2013
🚨︎ report
My dad was flawless with the execution of this zinger...

Me on the phone with my dad - "I got a cat!"

Dad - "What's it's name?"

Me - "Susan."

Dad - "So it's a girl?"

Me - "Of course...her name's Susan. Do you think I'd name a boy cat Susan?"

Dad - "No...I suppose that if it was a boy, it would B. Anthony."

Good one, Dad...

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ‘€︎ u/Diiiiirty
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2014
🚨︎ report
I'm going to go drive around shopping for spinning coffee tables tomorrow.

I guess you could say I'm going to be cruisin for a susan.

Edit: I'm an idiot

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/takereasygreasy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2015
🚨︎ report
Wife: "I used that tooth brush without even carin' ".

Me: "Well I used it without even Susan, so I think our marriage is OK."

... I didn't even pause. What the hell has happened to me?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/thaen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2013
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.