Cal the burglar

So a guy named cal has been breaking into homes and putting bricks in washing machines, turning them on so they would get wrecked. he took some drugs and was found dead one morning, looks like washing machines will live longer with cal-gone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HDxZOMBIEXx
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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What do you cal a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto!

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2018
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What do you call a Waffle on a So Cal beach?

A Sandy Eggo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FisterRobotOh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2017
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My mate Gav sadly passed away this morning. Doctors say it was severe heart burn.

Cannot believe Gaviscon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schwifty98
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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What does a cannibal say after eating something good?

Tasty

cal

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLegitCheese
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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People in the Navy must be on Santa's OTHER list

Because they're naughty-cal

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πŸ‘€︎ u/megadecimal
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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If you're going to bite the bullet

make sure its low cal

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πŸ‘€︎ u/naclbetter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
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A company that performs tests on urine samples turned a large profit in the last several months

They had a great piss-cal year

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnthMaster7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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Paging

I hope this is the proper venue for this post. If not, feel free to delete me.

This came from when I was doing production lighting. Every once in a while during concert setup the audio tech would need help with mic check. Now the "real" audio guys would always just stand there going "check check check one two". Me being not a real audio guy wanted to have more fun than that, so I would always do "pages" as if I was paging people. But I would use these assumed names. Here is a partial list of names I would use. If you look closely you might notice a familiar u/name or two.

Paging Mister Lobbla … Mister Bob Lobbla (from Arrested Development)

Paging Mister Vitoomey … Mister Lee Vitoomey

Paging Mister Frescoe … Mister Al Frescoe

Paging Miss Haivure … Miss Bee Haivure

Paging Miss Mitch … Miss Miranda Mitch (my random itch - from The Mick?)

Paging Miss Dactyl … Miss Tara Dactyl

Paging Miss Falactec … Miss Anna Falactec

Paging Miss Tonin … Miss Sarah Tonin

Paging Mister Zinette … Mister Ray Zinnette

Paging Mister Reader … Mister Chip Reader

Paging Miss Kiaki … Miss Sue Kiaki

Paging Mister Doffish … Mister Stan Doffish

Paging Mister Debank … Mister Robin Debank

Paging Mister Festo … Mister Manny Festo

Paging Mister Ifornia … Mister Cal Ifornia

Paging Mister Itosis … Mister Hal Itosis

Paging Mister Saroni … Mister Rye Saroni

Paging Mister Nasium … Mister Jim Nasium

Paging Mister Aroon … Mister Mac Aroon

Paging Miss Ester … Miss Polly Ester

Paging Miss Rexia … Miss Anna Rexia

Paging Mister Zapan … Mister Pete Zapan

Paging Mister Tenuff … Mister Jess Tenuff

Paging Miss Eous … Miss Elaine Eous

Paging Mister Aroni … Mister Mac Aroni

Paging Mister Preneur … Mister Andre Preneur

Paging Mister Cetera … Mister Ed Cetera

Paging Mr. Zapple … Mr. Adam Zapple

Paging Mr. Bino … Mr. Al Bino

Paging Miss Slapter … Miss Ida Slapter

Paging Miss Talia … Miss Jenna Talia

Paging Mr. Rafone … Mr. Mike Rafone

Paging Mr. Zark … Mr. Noah Zark

Paging Miss Yoki … Miss Carey Yoki

Paging Mr. Foolery … Mr. Tom Foolery

Paging Mr. Atric … Mr. Jerry Atric

Paging Mr. Duttank … Mr. Phillip Duttank

Paging Mr. Anoma … Mr. Mel Anoma

Paging Mister Jass … Mr. Hugh Jass

Paging Mr. Onella … Mr. Sam Onella

Paging Mr. Maphobe … Mr. Jer Maphobe

Paging Mr. Packa … Mr. Al Packa

Paging Mister Dente … Mister Al Dente

Paging Miss Conda … Miss Anna Conda

Paging Miss Sharalike … Miss Sharon Sharalike

Paging Miss Bellum … Miss Sarah Bellum

Paging Miss Mennopey … Miss

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayZinnet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
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Where do skeletons go to see gladiators

The cal-o-cium

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Petey1210
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
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Is a Mexican on a diet...

living la vida lo-cal?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/swion
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2018
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What did the mathematician say upon leaving the party?

Cal-chu-later

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neurotichipster
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2018
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A lot of the material in my act pokes fun at the life style of people who live in los-angeles.

I call it SoCal commentary.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OgreMonk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2017
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A friend from Los Angeles is visiting...

But I really don't want to talk to them. I'm worried I might have SoCal anxiety disorder.

...And admittedly, I was hesitant to share that pun. I'm worried it LAX something important, or that it's just going to get Los in translation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoePeppy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2017
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Not really a 'joke' per se, but my dad's take on 'Let It Snow', from Southern California

So my dad sent this to everyone in his office. I groaned a couple of times and thought it'd fit in well here.

Oh, the weather outside is crazy
Like a film from Martin Scorsese
The rain will fall and the wind will blow
El niΓ±o, el niΓ±o, el niΓ±o

It doesn’t show signs of stopping
My shirt and pants are sopping
Oh, where did that umbrella go
El niΓ±o, el niΓ±o, el niΓ±o

Weather patterns don’t seem right
Southern Cal is all a storm
The marine layer and all of its might
All because the Pacific is warm

The fear of fire is now subsiding
our thoughts turn to mudsliding
Down the hillside our houses flow
El niΓ±o, el niΓ±o, el niΓ±o

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2015
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the following exchange happened at my work

i work the service desk at a grocery store, and me and one of my coworkers will often make puns based on the items we return. i got 2 gallons of white milk and a half gallon of chocolate milk. the following exchange occurred.

him: i'm gonna go dump this milk.

me: that bad in the relationship, eh?

him: well yeah, look what kind of baby they made -points to chocolate milk-

me: in a relationship, you need certain emotions, i guess they just lactose emotions. -he dumps out the milk and returns-

him: hey, wanna see my jugs?

me: i had a friend named calvin who wanted to see mine. one day i finally just said, "hey cal, see em?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CeleresVerraden
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2013
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Its damn hot outside

Facebook Dad just dropped this on my feed (its pretty hot here in SoCal):

Q: How do you know it's hot? A: When two pigs are at the beach and one says to the other "I'm Bacon"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrFranchise
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2014
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My dad made this one up. Supposedly.

Some backstory: My mother is 100% swedish, which is awesome, but my dad can't help but make fun of her for being a swedish farm girl that grew up in Minnesota (They met in NorCal, where I was born and raised).
He ALWAYS tells this one. My mom tends to roll her eyes and punch him in the shoulder.

DAD: Hey, guess how many pallbearers there are at a Swedish funeral.
ME: sigh How many?
DAD: Two. You know why?
ME: Why?
DAD: Well, there's only two handles on a trash can.

He proceeds to chuckle for 2+ minutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YesButTellMeWhy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2013
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