Phillips Puns

Apparently their music was not audible in their noise cancellation headphones

DMX respond "naw dawg that's a different rapper"

I’m just trying to see how you like to screw 😎👉🏻👉🏻

I screwed it up

Now we call him Phil.

They seemed upset when I said nobody by that name works at this gas station.

On Phillips Body.

Phillip Turr was one of the most handsome men to ever exist. Throughout high school, Phillip Turr was often called Photogenic Phil, due to his heartwarming smile.

Consequently, he was offered a modeling job before college. During his career, articles were often written about how photoshop was not even needed when it came to pictures of Phillip Turr, because he was just so flawless.

On one gloomy day, Phillip Turr was walking to one of his photoshoots and crossed the street at a busy intersection and sadly, Phillip Turr was hit by a reckless driver and was killed.

The next day, one of the photographers at the photoshoot that Phillip Turr was walking to posted a picture on Instagram to commemorate Phillip Turr's life. The picture was of an empty studio.

The caption of the photo read: Here is a picture of the place where the beautiful Phillip Turr would have stood yesterday had he not been tragically killed. RIP. #NoPhilTurr

He sent me this.

http://y98.cbslocal.com/2016/03/10/phillips-phunny-weathermans-joke-falls-flat/

direct YouTube link

Dad:Signaling a certain height "Yeah, he's about this tall."

Phillipe Phillop.

Phillipe Phollope.

Wife: who’s skull is that

Me: a man named Phillip

Wife: what’s in it?

Me: vodka and orange juice.

Wife: .......

Me: it’s a Phillips head screwdriver

Did they really all belong to Phillip?

King Philip III

My infant has a pretty flat head, when I took him to the doctor's office to get a referral for a helmet to shape his head, they asked what his name was.

I told them, "Well, his name is ___, but we like to call him Phillips to encourage him."

I got some truly authentic guffaws, and my dadjoke confidence rose a bit. I feel like I may be getting the hang of this.

Phillip the 3rd

"Sure he can" I thought.

Credit to u/phillip_gloomberry for revising the joke.

They are "hammering" out some new tunes, But they should of hired "Phillips head" to do the mixing.

Seriously, it's not.

I said, "Mine's Phillips."

He said, "You ought to give it back to him."

I hope this is the proper venue for this post. If not, feel free to delete me.

This came from when I was doing production lighting. Every once in a while during concert setup the audio tech would need help with mic check. Now the "real" audio guys would always just stand there going "check check check one two". Me being not a real audio guy wanted to have more fun than that, so I would always do "pages" as if I was paging people. But I would use these assumed names. Here is a partial list of names I would use. If you look closely you might notice a familiar u/name or two.

Paging Mister Lobbla … Mister Bob Lobbla (from Arrested Development)

Paging Mister Vitoomey … Mister Lee Vitoomey

Paging Mister Frescoe … Mister Al Frescoe

Paging Miss Haivure … Miss Bee Haivure

Paging Miss Mitch … Miss Miranda Mitch (my random itch - from The Mick?)

Paging Miss Dactyl … Miss Tara Dactyl

Paging Miss Falactec … Miss Anna Falactec

Paging Miss Tonin … Miss Sarah Tonin

Paging Mister Zinette … Mister Ray Zinnette

Paging Mister Reader … Mister Chip Reader

Paging Miss Kiaki … Miss Sue Kiaki

Paging Mister Doffish … Mister Stan Doffish

Paging Mister Debank … Mister Robin Debank

Paging Mister Festo … Mister Manny Festo

Paging Mister Ifornia … Mister Cal Ifornia

Paging Mister Itosis … Mister Hal Itosis

Paging Mister Saroni … Mister Rye Saroni

Paging Mister Nasium … Mister Jim Nasium

Paging Mister Aroon … Mister Mac Aroon

Paging Miss Ester … Miss Polly Ester

Paging Miss Rexia … Miss Anna Rexia

Paging Mister Zapan … Mister Pete Zapan

Paging Mister Tenuff … Mister Jess Tenuff

Paging Miss Eous … Miss Elaine Eous

Paging Mister Aroni … Mister Mac Aroni

Paging Mister Preneur … Mister Andre Preneur

Paging Mister Cetera … Mister Ed Cetera

Paging Mr. Zapple … Mr. Adam Zapple

Paging Mr. Bino … Mr. Al Bino

Paging Miss Slapter … Miss Ida Slapter

Paging Miss Talia … Miss Jenna Talia

Paging Mr. Rafone … Mr. Mike Rafone

Paging Mr. Zark … Mr. Noah Zark

Paging Miss Yoki … Miss Carey Yoki

Paging Mr. Foolery … Mr. Tom Foolery

Paging Mr. Atric … Mr. Jerry Atric

Paging Mr. Duttank … Mr. Phillip Duttank

Paging Mr. Anoma … Mr. Mel Anoma

Paging Mister Jass … Mr. Hugh Jass

Paging Mr. Onella … Mr. Sam Onella

Paging Mr. Maphobe … Mr. Jer Maphobe

Paging Mr. Packa … Mr. Al Packa

Paging Mister Dente … Mister Al Dente

Paging Miss Conda … Miss Anna Conda

Paging Miss Sharalike … Miss Sharon Sharalike

Paging Miss Bellum … Miss Sarah Bellum

Paging Miss Mennopey … Miss

I told her Phillips head, but to give it back to Phil when I'm finished

It's called a Blue Diamond Phillips.

Phillipe Phillops.

We were watching TV and this Mercedes ad comes on and says something along the lines of "900 miles between fill-ups" or something outrageous like that. I got the classic grin and said "Huh, I thought Phillip was a more common name than that."

I few months back he asked if I'd seen the Phillips Head..

I told him to check his shoulders.

Laughed way too hard at my own joke that day

We're sat down for Christmas dinner and we all pull crackers. My father gets a small set of pocket screwdrivers. I ask 'Are they all flatheads or are they phillips?', to which he replys with the knowing grin 'They're not Phillips, they're mine'.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Dogs.
Dogs who?

No they don't. Dogs bark.

Source: reading The World's Greatest Knock Knock Jokes for Kids by Bob Phillips, 2000, p. 25, to my son. This one stood out as a pretty decent dad joke thrown into the standard knock knock format.

Edit: formatting.

Background: Wife and I took our son to his 1 month pediatrician appointment yesterday, where the only minor issue she noted was a slight flattening on the left side of his head because he likes to look one way instead of the other. Hilarity ensued when we got home.

Wife: "If we're not careful, our son is going to have to wear one of those special helmets because he'll have a flat head."

Me: "Then I guess it's a good thing we didn't name him Phillip!"

/cue rimshot

Phillipe Phillope.

Phillipe Phillope

Phillipe Phillope

Phillipe Phillope

King Phillip the Third

Phillipe Phillope

Phillipe Phillope