My dad taught me how to use a Phillips today

I screwed it up

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/broe17
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a friend named Phillip, he lost his Lip in an accident...

Now we call him Phil.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SirCEWaffles
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What are some other name puns like Hugh Mungus, Ben Dover, Phillip Mahole, Eric Shin...?
πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LAXisFUN
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2016
🚨︎ report
Had a customer come in for Phillip.

They seemed upset when I said nobody by that name works at this gas station.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Where do you find a Phillips head?

On Phillips Body.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wlee1987
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2015
🚨︎ report
The Legend of Phillip Turr

Phillip Turr was one of the most handsome men to ever exist. Throughout high school, Phillip Turr was often called Photogenic Phil, due to his heartwarming smile.

Consequently, he was offered a modeling job before college. During his career, articles were often written about how photoshop was not even needed when it came to pictures of Phillip Turr, because he was just so flawless.

On one gloomy day, Phillip Turr was walking to one of his photoshoots and crossed the street at a busy intersection and sadly, Phillip Turr was hit by a reckless driver and was killed.

The next day, one of the photographers at the photoshoot that Phillip Turr was walking to posted a picture on Instagram to commemorate Phillip Turr's life. The picture was of an empty studio.

The caption of the photo read: Here is a picture of the place where the beautiful Phillip Turr would have stood yesterday had he not been tragically killed. RIP. #NoPhilTurr

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CastYourBread
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2015
🚨︎ report
Asked my dad is there was a phillips bit in the house
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TrIQy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2016
🚨︎ report
Step Mom to my brother: "Have you seen Captain Phillips?"

Dad:Signaling a certain height "Yeah, he's about this tall."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/michaelbublik
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2014
🚨︎ report
Did you ever wonder about all of those screwdrivers?

Did they really all belong to Phillip?

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A king sat on his throne in his beautiful kingdom. Before him were three glasses set on a table. The first two are filled with water, but the third one is empty. What is the name of the king?

Phillip the 3rd

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/some-tortel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Got my son's surgeon today pretty good.

My infant has a pretty flat head, when I took him to the doctor's office to get a referral for a helmet to shape his head, they asked what his name was.

I told them, "Well, his name is ___, but we like to call him Phillips to encourage him."

I got some truly authentic guffaws, and my dadjoke confidence rose a bit. I feel like I may be getting the hang of this.

πŸ‘︎ 103
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/goldraven
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2018
🚨︎ report
A King has 3 cups. The first 2 are full and the 3rd is empty. What is the King's name?

King Philip III

πŸ‘︎ 980
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flushyjames
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2017
🚨︎ report
The new tool album sounds awesome

They are "hammering" out some new tunes, But they should of hired "Phillips head" to do the mixing.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Flurowolf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend can’t remember the name for ninja stars

"Sure he can" I thought.

Credit to u/phillip_gloomberry for revising the joke.

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThrainnTheRed
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?

Phillipe Phillope

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hippycat73
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Attention readers of dadjokes: This is NOT a drill
πŸ‘︎ 151
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/itsnathanhere
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2018
🚨︎ report
"What razor do you use?" my friend asked.

I said, "Mine's Phillips."

He said, "You ought to give it back to him."

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Paging

I hope this is the proper venue for this post. If not, feel free to delete me.

This came from when I was doing production lighting. Every once in a while during concert setup the audio tech would need help with mic check. Now the "real" audio guys would always just stand there going "check check check one two". Me being not a real audio guy wanted to have more fun than that, so I would always do "pages" as if I was paging people. But I would use these assumed names. Here is a partial list of names I would use. If you look closely you might notice a familiar u/name or two.

Paging Mister Lobbla … Mister Bob Lobbla (from Arrested Development)

Paging Mister Vitoomey … Mister Lee Vitoomey

Paging Mister Frescoe … Mister Al Frescoe

Paging Miss Haivure … Miss Bee Haivure

Paging Miss Mitch … Miss Miranda Mitch (my random itch - from The Mick?)

Paging Miss Dactyl … Miss Tara Dactyl

Paging Miss Falactec … Miss Anna Falactec

Paging Miss Tonin … Miss Sarah Tonin

Paging Mister Zinette … Mister Ray Zinnette

Paging Mister Reader … Mister Chip Reader

Paging Miss Kiaki … Miss Sue Kiaki

Paging Mister Doffish … Mister Stan Doffish

Paging Mister Debank … Mister Robin Debank

Paging Mister Festo … Mister Manny Festo

Paging Mister Ifornia … Mister Cal Ifornia

Paging Mister Itosis … Mister Hal Itosis

Paging Mister Saroni … Mister Rye Saroni

Paging Mister Nasium … Mister Jim Nasium

Paging Mister Aroon … Mister Mac Aroon

Paging Miss Ester … Miss Polly Ester

Paging Miss Rexia … Miss Anna Rexia

Paging Mister Zapan … Mister Pete Zapan

Paging Mister Tenuff … Mister Jess Tenuff

Paging Miss Eous … Miss Elaine Eous

Paging Mister Aroni … Mister Mac Aroni

Paging Mister Preneur … Mister Andre Preneur

Paging Mister Cetera … Mister Ed Cetera

Paging Mr. Zapple … Mr. Adam Zapple

Paging Mr. Bino … Mr. Al Bino

Paging Miss Slapter … Miss Ida Slapter

Paging Miss Talia … Miss Jenna Talia

Paging Mr. Rafone … Mr. Mike Rafone

Paging Mr. Zark … Mr. Noah Zark

Paging Miss Yoki … Miss Carey Yoki

Paging Mr. Foolery … Mr. Tom Foolery

Paging Mr. Atric … Mr. Jerry Atric

Paging Mr. Duttank … Mr. Phillip Duttank

Paging Mr. Anoma … Mr. Mel Anoma

Paging Mister Jass … Mr. Hugh Jass

Paging Mr. Onella … Mr. Sam Onella

Paging Mr. Maphobe … Mr. Jer Maphobe

Paging Mr. Packa … Mr. Al Packa

Paging Mister Dente … Mister Al Dente

Paging Miss Conda … Miss Anna Conda

Paging Miss Sharalike … Miss Sharon Sharalike

Paging Miss Bellum … Miss Sarah Bellum

Paging Miss Mennopey … Miss

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RayZinnet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me what kind of screwdriver I needed

I told her Phillips head, but to give it back to Phil when I'm finished

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yabkuulzzl
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
🚨︎ report
The latest Hollywood health craze is to regularly drink a mixture of almond milk and milk of magnesia.

It's called a Blue Diamond Phillips.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GRWeston
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call French sandals?

Phillipe Phillops.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hairy_colonic_jr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2017
🚨︎ report
Got one in on the gf yesterday.

We were watching TV and this Mercedes ad comes on and says something along the lines of "900 miles between fill-ups" or something outrageous like that. I got the classic grin and said "Huh, I thought Phillip was a more common name than that."

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/averagemammoth
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2014
🚨︎ report
I work with an old man named Phil..

I few months back he asked if I'd seen the Phillips Head..

I told him to check his shoulders.

Laughed way too hard at my own joke that day

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/phiddle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2016
🚨︎ report
Cracker adds fuel to the fire

We're sat down for Christmas dinner and we all pull crackers. My father gets a small set of pocket screwdrivers. I ask 'Are they all flatheads or are they phillips?', to which he replys with the knowing grin 'They're not Phillips, they're mine'.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnnythruster
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2014
🚨︎ report
Knock, knock.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Dogs.
Dogs who?

No they don't. Dogs bark.

Source: reading The World's Greatest Knock Knock Jokes for Kids by Bob Phillips, 2000, p. 25, to my son. This one stood out as a pretty decent dad joke thrown into the standard knock knock format.

Edit: formatting.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnmal85
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2014
🚨︎ report
As a new dad, I'm off to a great start

Background: Wife and I took our son to his 1 month pediatrician appointment yesterday, where the only minor issue she noted was a slight flattening on the left side of his head because he likes to look one way instead of the other. Hilarity ensued when we got home.

Wife: "If we're not careful, our son is going to have to wear one of those special helmets because he'll have a flat head."

Me: "Then I guess it's a good thing we didn't name him Phillip!"

/cue rimshot

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2014
🚨︎ report
What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PeevesPoltergist
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope

πŸ‘︎ 81
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/outofoffice247
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2018
🚨︎ report
A king has three cups. 2 are full, one is empty. What is the kings name?

King Phillip the Third

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kingfishecho
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a frenchman in sandals?

Phillipe Phillope

πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tommy_Genesis
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2017
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.