When it comes to bruising....

I really do a bang up job.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EasterBunnyBud
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2018
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Why does batman bruise easily?

Cus he's Bruise Wayne

:D

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marshmeloncholy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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What did Giuseppe put on his bruised head?

Italian ice

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OllieSDdog
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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Did I ever tell you about the bruise I had that was shaped like a T-Rex?

It was a dino-sore.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tiidwunduniik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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So a guy walked into a bar...

He said it left a bruise.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Little_epp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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A tub of margarine fell on my Foot last week

And it's still bruised, I can't believe it's not better.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/not_a_problem69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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A boy went to school pretty bruised up one day

His friend saw and laughed. Then he asked him; "Why do You suppose they call it harsh parental love?"

He replied; "I dunno fam beats me"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DannyGekkouga
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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I have a soft spot for bruised fruit.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themakeshfitman
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2018
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What superhero gets hurt the easiest?

Bruise Wayne.

πŸ‘︎ 185
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dinzll
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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My wife ran into our toddler's trampoline in the living room and bruised her shin

I told her she would bounce right back

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/krigito
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
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What happens when Bruce Lee gets injured?

He becomes Bruise Lee.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amankhaan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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My wife had a school book fall on her foot, and complained about the bruise she got.

I responded, "Sounds like you have a classic textbook foot bruise"

She rolled her eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bejahu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2015
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Did you hear Bruce Lee hit his knee

He is now bruise knee

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_mike-2004
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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An Optimist and a Pessimist Walk into a Bar

The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeffafa42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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What do you call a Batman who just returned from a fight and got his ass kicked?

A Bruised Wayne

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thespeedophile
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?

He never liked Bruised Knee

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BucketsOLouis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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text conversation with my dad after I fell and bruised my tailbone

Dad: "Hey, how's your rash?" Tony Soprano.

Me: What?

Dad: Get it? "Your-ash"

Dad: As in "your a--"

Me: Yeah I got it. Ha ha. Still hurts.

Dad: Should've fallen on your head

Me: I'll remember that next time.

Dad: No you wont

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nd-nd-a
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2013
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What do you call a sore Bruce Banner?

Q: What do you call a sore Bruce Banner?

A: Bruised Banner

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chainboost
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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Marksmen marked mark.
πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterWilson_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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Helping my father in law move his gun safe when it slipped slightly and bruised my bicep.

"That gun safe didn't keep my guns safe."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thanas1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2014
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Bruises

true story- Mom and Dad went to the museum yesterday and I noticed my Dad had a big bruise on his arm. I asked him how it happened and he said he got it at the museum. My mom asked him how and he quickly replied that it must have been an art attack.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/void678
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2014
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My car wouldn't start, so I tried to jump it.

Now I've got a dead battery and a bruised rib.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
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I attended a self-defence course.

At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...Β£380."

"I refuse to pay," I told him.

"You have to," he insisted.

"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."

So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten.

He said, "Β£380. Cough it up."

"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
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What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?

Bruised Knee.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrizttttt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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Bartender

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"

The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."

"Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?"

"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
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When Bruce Lee loses a fight he’s . . .

Bruised Lee

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
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An Asian Kid got into a fight

He was trained in martial arts but he still sustained minor injuries.

They call him Bruised Lee.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beanorockz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
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In the forest, a sad lonely looking turtle begins to climb slowly up a huge tree. Half way up, it edges along a branch, sighs, then jumps. It falls smacking into the ground, bouncing and tumbling across the forest floor...

Recovering and bruised, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground.

The turtle tries again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watch his pathetic efforts.

Finally, the female bird turns to her mate, β€œDarling, don't you think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted?"

πŸ‘︎ 149
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
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Massive Headache

I have a friend who i care for a lot, but sometimes he can be annoying, lets call him Bobby.
I had hit my head and had a nasty bump and bruise dead-center in my forehead.

Bobby: wow! whats this fellas new name? (pointing at my bruise)
Me: His name is Bobby! he is a massive headache.

We still laugh about that one

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jocsot101
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
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A blind man walks Into a bar...

Don’t worry he is fine.. just a little bruised.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bluntonius27
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
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I went to see the doctor.

"What happened?" he asked.

I said, "It was my son's birthday. I got a little drunk. I fell over face first into his birthday cake, then when I got up I banged my arm on the table. Terrible bruising."

"Hmm," he said, "have you tried putting ice on it?"

I said, "No. Do you think that's a good idea?"

He said, "Yes, it might salvage what is left of the cake."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
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The Legend of Zorro and the Bacon Tree

So this is a bit long, sorry about that.

Zorro and his best bud the Lone Ranger were riding through the desert one day, I forget where they were heading to or where they had come from, but we can safely assume shenanigans of some kind were the driving force.

They have been travelling for most of the day and are starting to get tired. There has been a discussion about making camp for the night, but as things are they have agreed to continue riding for a while longer, till the sun starts to set. Away and off to the west the Lone Ranger spies a plant that seems to have large pink flowers that hang in strips with white stripes running the length of them.

"Zorro, what's that over there?" he asks.

Zorro turns in his saddle and raises his hand to shield his eyes from the sun. "Ah, it looks like a bacon tree, quite common in these parts. Let's ride on, there is a good place an hour from now to set up camp."

The two friends ride on and as the sun is beginning to descend the have stopped and are making camp. As Zorro begins to make a fire he says to the Lone Ranger, "You know, I quite fancy some pork. You ride back to that bacon tree and get some for supper, and I'll finish setting up camp here."

"No problem Zorro, I won't be long" replies the Ranger, jumping back into the saddle and returning the way they came.

Time passes, and the sun begins to get low in the sky. 'Odd', thinks Zorro 'he should be back by now.' Another hour passes and the shadows are growing longer. 'I might have to go investigate, it's not like him to take his time.' More time passes, and, just as Zorro has decided that he must go search for his friend in the dwindling light, he hears the sound of Silver's hooves. Looking into the gathering gloom he sees his friend riding towards him. As the Lone Ranger nears Zorro can see the Lone Ranger is injured, there are cuts and bruises and he has an arrow through his hat.

"What on earth happened, Lone Ranger? Did you make it to the Bacon tree?"

The Lone Ranger dismounts and sighs heavily.

"That weren't no Bacon tree, Zorro. That was an Hambush."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
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When Gandhi was on his first hunger strike

People would routinely bring him bread in an attempt to get him to eat. What people don't understand though is that Gandhi was actually a very temperamental man, and prone to anger. So even when his friends and family were the ones bringing him bread, he would take it and hurl it at them, sometimes leaving bruises and welts. He justified it by saying it was all a part of his philosophy of naan-violence.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jchazu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2018
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Who is Batman after a night of fighting crime?

Bruise Wayne

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neudeu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
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My mom accidentally kneed my step-dad in his thigh.

She apologized when he told her she got him hard enough to leave a bruise and she, jokingly, asked if he would leave her over it.

He replied, "No. Because you kneed me..." and winked.

-_-

πŸ‘︎ 177
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2016
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My dad's jokes can come at inappropriate times..

My mom fell down the stairs and injured her tailbone pretty badly, she calls out to my dad to have him take a look to see if there's any bruising. He takes one look, gasps, and said "holy shit! there's a crack in it!" my mom was not too happy with him!

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LynaM
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2013
🚨︎ report
What's the martial artist who always looks beat up called?

Bruise Lee

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unit88
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2017
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When my boyfriend said this I played it back over in my head a thousand times wishing I had come up with it

::watching Bruce Lee documentary::

"....when we were young, Bruce was scrawny but constantly picking fight that he would always lose..."

Boyfriend: yea, we a, we called him Bruised Lee

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2013
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My mom dad-joked my dad...

My boyfriend told me this belonged here...

Last week my dad fell on our icy driveway, giving himself a concussion, a bruised face and a broken cheekbone. After spending most of the night in the ER and many prescriptions later, this exchange occurred between my parents and the doctor.

Dr.: Do you want something for that face? For the pain?

Mom: No thanks, if it hurts I just won't look at him.

πŸ‘︎ 137
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saradee413
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2014
🚨︎ report
What do you call a injured middle finger

A bruised opinion you want to show your boss every day

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cooconbeard
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2016
🚨︎ report
3 spears of asparagus.....

3 spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!"

He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side.

The second asparagus says, "I got this!" and proceeds to dodge and weave across the track and between the wheels, only at the last second gets bumped off, leaving her with a bruised behind.

The last asparagus strolls up to tracks and hops right over and BAM gets slammed by underside of the train right in crown, breaking the stalk and sending him flying. His 2 friends come running up, they gather him up as best they can and rush him to the nearest hospital.

After a grueling 12 hour surgery, the head surgeon comes out to the waiting area to update the asparagus spears.

"well, I have good news and I have bad news." he said.

"The good news is your friend is going to live."

"The bad news is he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StingsLikeBitch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2016
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Girlfriend couldn't remember where she hit herself with a rifle the other day.

I said "Going out on a limb here, but on your bruised leg."

She wasn't pleased.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Efeyester
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call Batman when he is injured?

Bruised Wayne

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aafterthewar
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
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What do you call a beat-up Batman?

A bruised Wayne!

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
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What do you call a beat up Batman?

A Bruised Wayne.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aBeardedLegend
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call Batman after a fight?

Bruised Wayne

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xoarel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2018
🚨︎ report
What happens to Batman when he gets injured?

He becomes Bruise Wayne.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roha5090
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
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