I really do a bang up job.
Cus he's Bruise Wayne
:D
Italian ice
It was a dino-sore.
He said it left a bruise.
And it's still bruised, I can't believe it's not better.
His friend saw and laughed. Then he asked him; "Why do You suppose they call it harsh parental love?"
He replied; "I dunno fam beats me"
I told her she would bounce right back
He becomes Bruise Lee.
I responded, "Sounds like you have a classic textbook foot bruise"
She rolled her eyes.
He is now bruise knee
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A Bruised Wayne
He never liked Bruised Knee
Dad: "Hey, how's your rash?" Tony Soprano.
Me: What?
Dad: Get it? "Your-ash"
Dad: As in "your a--"
Me: Yeah I got it. Ha ha. Still hurts.
Dad: Should've fallen on your head
Me: I'll remember that next time.
Dad: No you wont
Q: What do you call a sore Bruce Banner?
A: Bruised Banner
"That gun safe didn't keep my guns safe."
true story- Mom and Dad went to the museum yesterday and I noticed my Dad had a big bruise on his arm. I asked him how it happened and he said he got it at the museum. My mom asked him how and he quickly replied that it must have been an art attack.
Now I've got a dead battery and a bruised rib.
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."
"I refuse to pay," I told him.
"You have to," he insisted.
"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."
So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten.
He said, "£380. Cough it up."
"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
Bruised Knee.
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"
The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."
"Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"
Bruised Lee
He was trained in martial arts but he still sustained minor injuries.
They call him Bruised Lee.
Recovering and bruised, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground.
The turtle tries again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watch his pathetic efforts.
Finally, the female bird turns to her mate, “Darling, don't you think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted?"
I have a friend who i care for a lot, but sometimes he can be annoying, lets call him Bobby.
I had hit my head and had a nasty bump and bruise dead-center in my forehead.
Bobby: wow! whats this fellas new name? (pointing at my bruise)
Me: His name is Bobby! he is a massive headache.
We still laugh about that one
Don’t worry he is fine.. just a little bruised.
"What happened?" he asked.
I said, "It was my son's birthday. I got a little drunk. I fell over face first into his birthday cake, then when I got up I banged my arm on the table. Terrible bruising."
"Hmm," he said, "have you tried putting ice on it?"
I said, "No. Do you think that's a good idea?"
He said, "Yes, it might salvage what is left of the cake."
So this is a bit long, sorry about that.
Zorro and his best bud the Lone Ranger were riding through the desert one day, I forget where they were heading to or where they had come from, but we can safely assume shenanigans of some kind were the driving force.
They have been travelling for most of the day and are starting to get tired. There has been a discussion about making camp for the night, but as things are they have agreed to continue riding for a while longer, till the sun starts to set. Away and off to the west the Lone Ranger spies a plant that seems to have large pink flowers that hang in strips with white stripes running the length of them.
"Zorro, what's that over there?" he asks.
Zorro turns in his saddle and raises his hand to shield his eyes from the sun. "Ah, it looks like a bacon tree, quite common in these parts. Let's ride on, there is a good place an hour from now to set up camp."
The two friends ride on and as the sun is beginning to descend the have stopped and are making camp. As Zorro begins to make a fire he says to the Lone Ranger, "You know, I quite fancy some pork. You ride back to that bacon tree and get some for supper, and I'll finish setting up camp here."
"No problem Zorro, I won't be long" replies the Ranger, jumping back into the saddle and returning the way they came.
Time passes, and the sun begins to get low in the sky. 'Odd', thinks Zorro 'he should be back by now.' Another hour passes and the shadows are growing longer. 'I might have to go investigate, it's not like him to take his time.' More time passes, and, just as Zorro has decided that he must go search for his friend in the dwindling light, he hears the sound of Silver's hooves. Looking into the gathering gloom he sees his friend riding towards him. As the Lone Ranger nears Zorro can see the Lone Ranger is injured, there are cuts and bruises and he has an arrow through his hat.
"What on earth happened, Lone Ranger? Did you make it to the Bacon tree?"
The Lone Ranger dismounts and sighs heavily.
"That weren't no Bacon tree, Zorro. That was an Hambush."
People would routinely bring him bread in an attempt to get him to eat. What people don't understand though is that Gandhi was actually a very temperamental man, and prone to anger. So even when his friends and family were the ones bringing him bread, he would take it and hurl it at them, sometimes leaving bruises and welts. He justified it by saying it was all a part of his philosophy of naan-violence.
Bruise Wayne
She apologized when he told her she got him hard enough to leave a bruise and she, jokingly, asked if he would leave her over it.
He replied, "No. Because you kneed me..." and winked.
-_-
My mom fell down the stairs and injured her tailbone pretty badly, she calls out to my dad to have him take a look to see if there's any bruising. He takes one look, gasps, and said "holy shit! there's a crack in it!" my mom was not too happy with him!
Bruise Lee
::watching Bruce Lee documentary::
"....when we were young, Bruce was scrawny but constantly picking fight that he would always lose..."
Boyfriend: yea, we a, we called him Bruised Lee
My boyfriend told me this belonged here...
Last week my dad fell on our icy driveway, giving himself a concussion, a bruised face and a broken cheekbone. After spending most of the night in the ER and many prescriptions later, this exchange occurred between my parents and the doctor.
Dr.: Do you want something for that face? For the pain?
Mom: No thanks, if it hurts I just won't look at him.
A bruised opinion you want to show your boss every day
3 spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!"
He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side.
The second asparagus says, "I got this!" and proceeds to dodge and weave across the track and between the wheels, only at the last second gets bumped off, leaving her with a bruised behind.
The last asparagus strolls up to tracks and hops right over and BAM gets slammed by underside of the train right in crown, breaking the stalk and sending him flying. His 2 friends come running up, they gather him up as best they can and rush him to the nearest hospital.
After a grueling 12 hour surgery, the head surgeon comes out to the waiting area to update the asparagus spears.
"well, I have good news and I have bad news." he said.
"The good news is your friend is going to live."
"The bad news is he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
I said "Going out on a limb here, but on your bruised leg."
She wasn't pleased.
Bruised Wayne
A bruised Wayne!
A Bruised Wayne.
He becomes Bruise Wayne.
