Bos'n Puns

Aw, shucks!

Credit: Bo Burnham

He said “He’s delighted to be the bo selecta”

Auto correct created “Bo Fusions” out of “no distractions”. Bo Fusions is there for you when you need a reason to grab a drink. He plays golf, I heard. Moved out of town a few years back but has a helicopter.
Who’s your Bo Fusions?

Me: "Dad, I donated blood yesterday, do you know what my blood type is?"

Dad: "well... I'm B, and your mom is O, so you must be BO"

Mom: " ... he has been waiting 22 years for you to ask that"

Oh MOOgosh. This might just sound like a load of Bull, but please STEER me out.

Deja Moo (Sung to the tune of Fresh Prince of Bel-air)

Now these are puns all about COWS

Their milk gets flipped, churned all around.

And I’d like to take a minute but I won’t stop and prattle

And tell you this story you haven’t HERD about cattle.

In IstanBULL I was born and BRAISED.

In the pastures back then in my HAYDAYS.

Chewing cud, RUMPING round, and making a fuss.

TANNING out so UDDERLY ridiculous.

When a couple of HEIFERS who had BEEF with me

Started BULLying on my Brand , you see.

I got TIPPED over once and my mom got scared

She said you're MOOvin your behind, your butt, your DAIRY Air.

I whistled for a calf and when it came near

Thought she was a babe, but HE was a STEER!

If anything I can say this STEAK is rare

But that Bovine was BO-FINE so I didn’t care!

I got milked a few times, maybe 7 or 8

More like long-gonehorn, than reliable date.

So I CHUCKED out the udder half of the pasture,

Bevo ain’t a cow, don’t got what I’m after.

Fun fact: a Dairy Cow can produce 125lbs of saliva a day.

• Allow => A-meow
• Apology => A-paw-logy
• Appalling => A-paw-ling
• Attitude => Cat-titude
• Awesome => Paw-some / Claw-some
• Awful => Claw-ful / Paw-ful
• Because => Be-claws
• Before => Be-fur
• Bother => Bo-fur
• Catastrophe => Cat-astrophe
• Catastrophic => Cat-astrophic
• Catch => Cat-ch
• Clever => Claw-ver
• Confusing => Con-fur-sing
• Congratulations => Con-cat-ulations
• Different => Dif-fur-rent
• Disappearance => Disa-purr-ance
• Familiar => Fur-miliar
• Feeling => Feline
• For => Fur
• For real => Fur real
• Forever => Fur-ever
• Forget => Fur-get
• Fortunate => Fur-tunate
• Forward => Fur-ward
• Friend => Fur-end
• Furious => Fur-ious
• Further => Fur-ther
• Get or Got => Cat
• Help me out => Help meow-t
• History => Hiss-tory
• Hysterical => Hiss-terical
• Inferior => In-fur-ior
• Kidding me => Kitten me
• Konnichiwa => Konnichi-paw
• Literally => Litter-ally
• Literature => Litter-a-ture
• Lost => Claw-st
• Lying => Lion
• Magnificent => Meow-nificent
• Marvellous => Meow-velous
• Minimum => Mew-nimum
• Misery => Mew-sery
• Moment => Mew-ment
• Mountain => Meow-ntain
• Move => Mew-v
• Music => Mew-sic
• Musician => Meow-sician
• Never => Nev-fur
• New => Mew
• Now => Meow
• Over => Ov-fur
• Paper => Pay-purr
• Pardon me => Paw-don me
• Pause => Paws
• Perfect => Purr-fect
• Perhaps => Purr-haps
• Permission => Purr-mission
• Person => Purr-son
• Personal => Purr-sonal
• Persuasion => Purr-suasion
• Places => Purr-laces
• Please => Paw-lease
• Portable => Paw-table
• Positive => Paw-sitive
• Possibility => Paw-sibility
• Possibly => Paw-sibly
• Precious => Purr-ecious
• Prefer => Paw-fer
• Preposterous => Pre-paw-sterous
• Pretty => Purr-ty
• Priceless => Purr-iceless
• Prince => Purr-ince
• Princess => Purr-incess
• Puns => Purr-ns
• Purpose => Purr-pose
• Referring => Re-fur-ing
• Respond => Res-paw-nd
• Simple => Sim-paw-le
• Suffer => Suf-fur
• Superior => Su-purr-ior
• Tale => Tail
• Talent => Tail-ent
• Tell => Tail
• That’s all => Cat’s all
• Unfortunate => Un-fur-tunate
• Very => Furry
• Whenever => Whene-fur
• Wonderful => Won-fur-ful
• You => Mew
• Apologize => A-paw-logize
• First => Furr-st
• How are you? => Meow are mew?
• Morning => Meowrning
• Phon

https://imgur.com/a/BoHVUWe

Jum-Bo Jackson

I was watching this video about how to unlock safe and the first comment made me laugh. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApJQ2wcYjBo

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

• Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
• It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
• What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
• Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
• Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
• Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
• If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
• Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
• Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
• American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
• The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
• Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
• Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
• Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
• Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
• Rittal me this, Batman!
• Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
• Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
• If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
• When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
• You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
• Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
• Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
• Don't think Seton is

It was a real Naan-bo.

Hoe-bo/vine.

... i'm an idiot. And yes. I actually did think this up at 2AM. Edit: In my idiot nature, forgot to create full title, so I reposted. I'm still new D:

This was an exchange between him and a lady:

Him: "T.H.I.B.A.U.D. Pronounced T-Bo"

Lady: "ohhh the the D is silent."

Him: "yeah it's unheard of..."

Me: "ugggghhhhhh"

So the other day my best friends dad texted me. J didn't have his number in my co texts so I responded and said "Is this Bob?" He replied with "Yes, this is boB. See what I did there I spelled my name backwards"

http://www.theonion.com/articles/bo-obama-receives-visiting-dognitaries-from-furugu,31075/

My sister is on a road trip from Utah to Texas. She has been periodically updating us with her location.

Sister 1: Raton, New Mexico
Dad: That's a big rat.
Sister 1: Dalhart, Texas
Dad: Woohoo... How's it going?
Sister 1: Great. Everything is flat and smells like cows, but I don't see any cows.
Dad: Those are the iBoTs (invisible Bovines of Texas), they wander around making methane and distributing it free of charge. And the landscape is that way because of the flat-ulence.
Sister 2: Oh my gosh dad stop
Me: He can't. There is an honor code among dads. We must joke whenever the opportunity presents itself. It's our respunsibility.
Dad: I'm so proud.
Me: Hi so proud, I'm dad.

http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/1t9uq6/i_am_a_comedian_named_bo_burnham_my_new_special/ce5sqsv