“Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.”
Terrible joke, only three stars.
Son to me: hey daddy! What do you call a bug that's not in your house?
It’s Father’s Day and my 6 year old got me a gift. She asked me “Daddy, when is it present time?”
I said it’s always present time
Today on a walk my son was asking about a bunch of plants and stuff, he pointed to one and I said it was a fungi.
Without missing a beat he asks "Daddy, do you know how much room you need to grow Fungi like that?"
I did not know.
So he tells me "as Mushroom as possible!"
So proud.
Bill Gates meets Arnold Schwarzenneger at a party and asks him if he's upgraded to Windows 10 yet? Big Arnie replies.......
"Ah still love Vista Baby....."
What’s a Daddy-Longleg’s favorite bug?
Sometimes I use big words I don't understand
Just to make me sound more photosynthesis
You don't wanna know what is the method to create a big hole in the ground.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
I don't like green boogers, or yellow boogers, or big boogers, or little boogers.
I guess you could say I'm rather picky.
You a big fan to swear by this?
Hey daddy- how do you know when a drink is sick?
It becomes cough-y.
-My 11 year son a few moments after I had coffee go down the wrong pipe and had a bit of a coughing fit.
proud dad noises
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
A file on my hard drive. File too big, need a bigger drive, seems corrupted too.
https://preview.redd.it/ny6421gsu6271.jpg?width=2048&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=cc538636d80299444b89d12aa44a57a44ccaf78a
Looking forward to the Fibonacci convention this year, it's supposed to be really special..
..and as big as the last two put together.
This morning Siri said "don't call me Shirley"
I'd accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
Lake as big as an ocean called
I've just discovered that Bruce Lee had a vegetarian brother...
A bear walks to a bar and he says “can I please have a vodka… and coke” the bar tender says “why the big pause”
The bear says “I don’t fucking no I was born with them”
My wife always make a big deal out of her periods .
I'd say she is ovary-acting .
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie...
I went for a bicycle ride today and had a VERY close call when a big rig pulled right into my path…
Any closer and I’d have been Gone With the Schwinn.
What do you call a melon that is facing a lot of pressure to have a big wedding?
Did you see what a big deal the re-opening of the Lego stores was?
People were lining up for blocks
I was mowing with my dad and saw a big ant hill on a grave.
Dad,”Must’ve been someone’s great aunt.”
Love my dad
Not really a Joke, but just being a Dad.
OK, when my first kid became cognizant, about two years old, I would wait until I could see the street light was going to turn green, just blow at it, and it would turn green. I never said a word. I would just do it.
After doing this for about a year or so, my daughter caught on and could not figure out how I was doing this.
She finally asked me, "Daddy Magic", of course.
She is now 31, and she still blows at street lights.
That is the real Daddy Magic.
If I have 6 oranges in one hand and 7 oranges in the other hand, what do I have?
I have a big free of speed bumps
I’m slowly getting over it
Why is an elephant big, gray, and wrinkly?
Because if it was small, white, and round, it would be an aspirin.
The Dad Tax
This is a gag that I've been doing to my kids for a few years - ever since they've started needing help with opening food packages or beverages: I grab a piece, grab a fry from their bag, or I'll take a sip from their drink. They usually laughingly say, " DADDY!". I'll respond with, "Hey, its Dad Tax". They'll growl at me about it.
This morning, I realized a new name for this: Dad Valorem Tax. I told this to my kids and wife this morning. The kids didn't really understand the joke but I got a big groan about it from my wife. So, that at least made my day.
"Do you think that hole is big enough to be called something else?"
Was planning a big announcement that I’m watching the new Marvel TV show.
But I’m keeping it low key.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no Time.”
I used to be a big fan of HP Lovecraft.
But now I much prefer DELL Lovecraft.
There was a guy I used to work with who was big on numbers
Now I understand why; his name was Matthew.
Son: Daddy I can't sleep
Me: Don't worry son, I'll sing you a lullaby.
Me: Hush little baby, don't say a word.
Me: And never mind that noise you heard.
Me: It's just the beasts, under your bed.
Me: In your closet, IN YOUR HEEEEEEAAAAD!
Me: EXIIIITTT LIIIIGGGHHHT!!!! ...... EEENNTTTERRRR NIIIIGGGHHT!!!
taken from dad jokes
From my 10-year-old: "Daddy, what has it's bottom at the top?"
"I don't know, bud, what?"
"Your legs."
Well done, kid.
What do you call a big ant?
Why do girls with daddy issues like guys with dad bods?
They’re just looking for a father figure
Big Foot is sometimes confused for Sasquatch
I find it hilarious when people use big words they don't fully understand to make themselves feel more...
I went to a fan exhibit the other day, hoping that I’ll find a big one to purchase for hot summer days
I was immediately blown away
My friend who's a big Bon Jovi fan has recently converted to Christianity
Now he's always livin' on a prayer
You would think that a snail without a shell would move that bit faster..?
but it's actually more sluggish..
What did the big candle say to the little candle?
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
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