A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. βFirst offender?β the judge asked.
βNoβ she replied. βFirst a Gibson , then a Fenderβ
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︎ Dec 03 2020
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
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︎ Dec 18 2020
Guy gets pulled over for running a stop sign. He says to the cop βgive me a break man, I slowed down.β The cop starts beating on the guy and says...
βSo... do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop?β
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︎ Sep 19 2020
A man started beating me with a cup and stole my wallet.
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︎ Sep 03 2020
Caught a couple dudes beating up a little kid , so I stepped in to help .
Little bastard didnβt stand a chance against the three of us !
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︎ Jul 21 2020
In olden times, making jokes about the way words sound was unfavored by society and would warrant a sever beating.
This ritual beating was called a PUN-ishment
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︎ Jun 04 2020
A man was arrested for beating up someone with a battery-shaped dildo
He was charged with sexual battery.
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︎ Jun 27 2020
A short essay on the benefits of beating the shit out of each other β A satirical essay based on a single, overplayed pun
In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:
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Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.
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Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.
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Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.
Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.
In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.
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︎ Mar 09 2020
The police officer asked me why I keep beating my wife...
I said "It's probably because I have quicker feet and a longer reach."
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︎ May 02 2020
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︎ Jun 02 2019
Breaking a piggybank should be considered beating it centsless.
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︎ Sep 19 2017
I caught someone beating up my food!
I'm charging them with a salt and buttery.
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︎ May 10 2019
Beating somebody with a switch is a lot worse if youβre a network admin.
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︎ Aug 13 2019
The boxer toy was violently beating down the other toys
He was charged with battery
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︎ Jul 08 2019
I saw a guy beating somebody up with a string instrument, so I intervened.
I said to him, βViolin is not the answer.β
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︎ Mar 18 2019
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︎ Mar 04 2019
So, I was walking with my wife on the street, and we saw 6 six guys beating up my mother-in-law
Wife yells: Hey, aren't you going to help??
Me: No, six should be enough
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︎ Apr 06 2019
Finished the year beating testicular cancer! Having some pun with it. (Crossposted!)
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︎ Dec 31 2018
I was beating the shit out of a grape the other day
It let out a little wh(INE)
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︎ Apr 08 2019
An innocent father was prosecuted for lining his kids up and beating them with his bare hands.
"There was no punchline, your honor."
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︎ May 23 2019
A gangster recently plead guilty for beating a cow to death in a rice field using two porcelain figures.
Authorities say itβs the first first time theyβve ever dealt with a knick knack patty wack.
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︎ Mar 29 2018
I'm seeing a shrink because I keep beating myself up.
Turns out my therapist is my old high school bully. He says he can help me with that.
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︎ Oct 19 2018
A woman in my town was arrested for beating her husband with a flashlight.
She is charged with assault, and the flashlight is charged with battery.
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︎ Aug 18 2018
A man recently won a marathon in a photo finish, beating his rival by a nose
In the post race interview he said in a nasally voice: I won because I have a cold. So I was extra runny.
... This was terrible.
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︎ Jun 27 2017
After beating my roommate at Mortal Kombat...
I don't have any kids, but I think this was pretty dad-like:
We usually scream at max volume when we play, but our other roommate was sleeping so we had to stay pretty quiet.
It was my Kung Lao and Kano vs his Smoke and Sonya.
I swept him clean, 3-0, and he gave the excuse, "It was because I couldn't get loud."
I told him, "Oh, but you did get loud... KUNG LAO'D!"
He groaned, I basked in the glory.
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︎ Mar 26 2015
A woman was on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection
the judge says: "First offender" The woman replies: "No, first a Gibson, the a Fender"
π︎ 17
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︎ Dec 16 2020
A woman is on trial for beating up a unfaithful rockstar husband with his guitar collection
The judge asked her, βfirst offenderβ
βNo,β she says βfirst a Gibson then a Fender
π︎ 5
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︎ Nov 17 2020
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?"
She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!β
π︎ 45
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︎ Apr 24 2020
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The judge asksΒ her, "First offender?β She says, βNo, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
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︎ Aug 30 2019
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection...
The judge asks, βFirst offender?β The wife replies, βNo, first a Gibson, then a Fender.β
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jan 21 2019
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, βFirst offender?
β She says, βNo, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!β
π︎ 33
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︎ Oct 28 2019
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, βFirst offender?
β She says, βNo, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!β
π︎ 40
π
︎ Nov 05 2019
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, βFirst offender?
β She says, βNo, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!β
π︎ 25
π
︎ Nov 03 2019
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!β
π︎ 33
π
︎ Oct 07 2019
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
π︎ 15
π
︎ Oct 21 2019
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, βFirst offender?
β She says, βNo, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!β
π︎ 11
π
︎ Oct 30 2019
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, βFirst offender?
β She says, βNo, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!β
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 08 2019
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says "first offender?" She says,
No, first a Gibson, then a fender
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 05 2019
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The judge says, "First offender?"
She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"
π︎ 140
π
︎ Dec 20 2017
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"
π︎ 20
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︎ Feb 24 2018
So a women is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. During her court hearing the judge asks, "First offender?"
The woman says, "No first a gibson, then a fender."
π︎ 105
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︎ Aug 06 2015
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection...
Judge says, "First offender?"
She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
π︎ 99
π
︎ Nov 03 2016
A women is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The judge asks her, "First offender?"
She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 24 2018
"A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, 'First offender?' She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 28 2017
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