My dad's chair kept lowering on its own, and he said to my Aunt "Now I know what it's like to be you" Then we started listing advantages of being short. He said you could goto movies for a child ticket. she replies "I used to"
He said "I used to be able to too"
"Really?"
"Yeah, back when I was a kid"
She said their isn't any AC so I should bring a fan. "No thanks, I don't like my groupies following me when I'm on vacation!"
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ➡A young man named James came to tend to the lawn at the beach house.
He was mowing in a circular fashioned around the yard and though he attempted to do the rest by hand, he didn’t fare very well.
I supposed you could call it a quasi-mowed O.
They start to admire the holiday homes that are near the beach
"How heavy do you think this house is?" His son suddenly asks, pointing at one of them.
"I don't think it'll be that heavy," the dad replied, "since it's a lighthouse."
Last week, I took my friends to my parents house at the beach for a couple days for fun vacation times. One of my friends bought a box of cheerwine krispy kreme doughnuts, but one of the tasty morsels mysteriously disappeared in the night. The day after, we discussed the culprit options. One person said "maybe it was your dad," another said "maybe it was your mom," and I said "or maybe it was one of us.." A couple seconds of silence passed, then I had the biggest pun eureka moment in which I excitedly chortled, "Man, this is a real WHODOUGHNUT!!!"
Donkey starts speaking to the horse, “So what do you do?”
“Oh in the summer I do racing and in the winter I do the showjumping.” says the horse.
Donkeys thinking, holy shit, this is a thoroughbred.
“What do you do?” Asks the horse.
All embarrassed the donkey says “oh... uh... well in the summer I give rides to kids at the beach”
They chat a bit more and arrange to go round the donkey's house for drinks next week. Donkey's thinking to himself he’s got to come up with some way to impress the thoroughbred. So he gets a picture of a Zebra, a nice frame and hangs it up.
Horse comes round and goes “Oh this is a nice house you’ve got, that’s a nice picture too”
Donkey says “Oh aye, that’s when I played for Juventus”
