Don't bother doing a criminal background check on me.

I've never been caught.

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👤︎ u/VERBERD
📅︎ Jan 03 2021
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My grandpa: "I had to get a background check for a janitor job today"

"But don't worry, my record was squeaky clean"

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👤︎ u/WilsonHanks
📅︎ May 02 2014
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I guess my background check cleared...

Him "Why are you here for?" Me "I'm here to get a background check for a second hand dealer." Him "Let me look at your back, all right all clear." Me ...

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👤︎ u/puzzlinggamer
📅︎ Aug 13 2014
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Talking to a conductor at the train station

Background: Where I live, we have these little plastic cards instead of tickets to get on trains. You load it up with money electronically and then "touch on" at the train station and "touch off" when you get off at your destination. The other day I touched on at the station. Shortly after arriving, the meeting I had been going to got postponed. So I touched off. I wanted to make sure that I hadn't been charged for sitting in the station for five minutes so I went up to the ticketing booth.

Me: Is there anyway for me to check the balance of this online or something?

Conductor: Oh, no need. I can do that for you!

He takes the card, places it on the end of his finger, and holds it up to his eyes.

Conductor: Yep, perfectly balanced!

I think he was surprised by how funny I found this.

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👤︎ u/ChoozeGooze
📅︎ Oct 10 2013
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