Why do bouncers throw violent drunks out the back door?
Because they belong behind bars.
Told the doctor that I have this eel that keeps bursting out of my back and crying.
He prescribed me some anti-BackTearyEel lotion to take care of it.
My wife is angry. Last night for my anniversary, I left the kids, snuck out with my ex-girlfriend, and we hooked up in the back seat like we used to.
She hates when I call her that.
A fish steps outside her house and get hers fins and gills blown out of order by the weather, so she goes back in for a jacket. Her husband asks, “What’s it like Outside Right Now?” She replies,
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
My wife was making gravy for dinner, and she added some corn starch, but it got too thick. To thin it out she added some water, but then it was too thin again. It went back and forth a few times before I said...
Ahh. I get it. It’s a viscous cycle.
My dad went out for cigarettes 8 years ago & finally came back.
He said he was in the desert with his camels.
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said “Why were you out all night?” He said “How did you find out?”
She said “The bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.
I've had a chiropractor phobia extending from a childhood trauma. Wife finally convinced me to get my back checked out and treated. Wife afterwards: See, that wasn't too bad
My ex left me because I was determined to buy van and sell spaghetti out of the back, she told me it wouldn’t work
Should have seen her face when I drove pasta
“Back in the day...” my dad started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But today...” he lamented...
“Wherever you go, there are those darn cameras!"
I came home to find out that one of my kids tore both the front and the back pages of our dictionary.
Things just went from bad to worse.
I am having a really bad day, somebody ripped the front and back pages out of my dictionary.
It just goes from Bad to Worse!
"Egg-plant" shirt by me. Never got why the vegetable was called that until I found out that they used to be white and look like goose eggs back in the day
My son came home to find me slumped over the lawn mower crying my eyes out. He shouted over the noise, "You ok, pop?!" I shouted back...
"I'm fine!! I'm just going through a rough patch!"
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
I bought a rope made out of dog hair but took it back
I got a buddy that keeps getting kicked out of bars but he always comes back
My math teacher walked into the classroom, wrote a tiny number "7" on the board, then walked back out again.
I thought, that's a little odd.
Some corn fell out of the grocery bag today. I told them to come back...
But it fell on deaf ears.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
A queen went travelling to a foreign land. She asked her two ladies in waiting to clean for each other while she was gone, so they wouldn't be out of practice when she got back. When she returned, the two had fallen in love and gotten married.
They were maid for each other.
My son missed curfew again, so to teach him a lesson, I made him remove all the kudzu out back.
It was de-vine punishment.
Today while discussing game meats and a kangaroo stew I made a few years back, my coworker pointed out that with the Australian wild fires you won’t be able to get much kangaroo meat these days...
My reply without missing a beat — you’ll be able to buy it, you just won’t be able to buy it rare.
When I was on Naked and Afraid, I went out gathering food. I was able to find 2 small slugs to bring back to camp...
It was slimy pickings for dinner that evening.
I threw my back out,
We weren't getting along.
I was in the pub having a drink when a girl came up to me and said she can show me a good time. So I followed her out the back where she took off her top...
...and she ran 100m in 10 seconds
I just found out my wife has been seeing an electrician behind my back
DadProTip: When you back out of a parking space, be sure to say "Thiiiis takes me back" every time your kids are in the car.
I was once walking my dog along a promenade during a storm. I got chatting to a German tourist. While we were talking, my dog decided to go for a swim. It was clear he was struggling then he got dragged under. The German dived in, pulled him out and did cpr. The dog coughed then came back to life
"That's amazing" I said "how did you know to do that? Are you a vet?"
"Vet?" He asked. 'of corse I'm vet. I was in zee sea"
I was at the beach today and there was a group of pelicans not doing anything. I concentrated hard on one pelican and suddenly if flew out to the water, snagged a fish in his bill and flew back to shore. "Wow", I thought to myself..
Pelikinesis is a real thing.
Salmon are born in a river, swim out to sea for most of their lives, and then one day years later swim back against insurmountable odds to the very spot where they were born.
And I can’t find my car in the parking lot.
I took apart the coffee maker to clean it but can't figure out how to put it back together.
My wife says this is grounds for divorce...
My mother has always been a staunch supporter of the LGBT movement. In fact, back in the 80s, she even told me that one day, “out and proud” people would have an entire month of celebration!
Mama said there’d be gays like this!
Happy Pride Month, y’all. :D
Back in medieval times, they used to make computer mice out of the poop of giant flame breathing reptiles...
...surely you've heard of the "dragon drop" interface.
Why did the loaf of bread jump out of the oven and back onto the counter?
Because it always feels good to be kneaded.
My wife was filling out a skill testing question using my back as a table.
She was have trouble with the question so she just googled the answer and wrote it down.
I told her that I was leaving her.
Why she asked me.
I told you I would leave you if you ever cheated on me.
Cheesy pizza puns needed for pizza shop with hidden cocktail bar out the back
imgur.com/aROdppY
A man is having pains so he goes to the doctor to get checked out. The doctor does some tests and comes back telling the man that he has a bacterial growth in his bladder causing pain. The man asks what's they means for him. The doctor replies...
At work my boss said something that offended me. And when he wouldn't retract it, I walked out and I'm never going back, I'm through with that place. You know what he told me !!!
My son took a box of crackers out of the cabinet to get a snack. I told him to put it back with the box top facing out to make it easier next time...
I told him it was a get Ritz quick scheme...
Two vampire bats in a cave, one goes out in search of fresh blood in the local village, and comes back with a face covered in red blood. His friend says "what did you eat to get all that?" The first bat replies:
"You see that steeple on that church over there? Yeah, I hit it."
Did y'all hear about those three holes out back?
Thought of this one today. Eager to test it out. Report back with your findings, dads.
Next time someone says "same old, same old" i am going to respond with "mold mold"
I phoned in sick to work for the 5th time this week to tell them I'm flat out on my back.
They told me to stop lying.
Rope walks into the bar. Bartender says, Sorry we don’t serve ropes here. Rope walks out, messes himself up, ties himself in a knot, and walks back into the bar. Bartender asked if he’s a rope!
Rope replies I’m a frayed knot.
Doctor: your brain fell out during the accident but don't worry I put it back in
Me: thanks for reminding me
“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”
“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”
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