I'd like to plug my wife's attempt to cross the Atlantic in a bath tub.

But it's too late....she sank.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My terrorists girlfriend said she hadn't ever attempted a suicide bombing

But today I found out jihad

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RamSamG
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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In an attempt to bring great pleasure to myself, I'll post controversial topics in white supremacist groups in the attempt to get funny reactions out of them.

I'm mass-turd-baiting.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Klratz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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My invention was amazing! After many many attempts, I finally got a two-wheeled vehicle to stand on its own!

I guess tri, tri again is the way.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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After my failed attempt at growing vegetables this year, I've decided to become a music producer.

I've got a ton of sick beets.

πŸ‘︎ 305
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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Joke attempt from my daughter: what do you call an Aquarium that hurts fish?

An Owquarium!

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skilldan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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It’s my 3 year Reddit anniversary!

Getting karma should be as easy as cake.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ben071
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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Attempted Murder
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrodanGnaskar2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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I started carrying a gun with me after an attempted robbery a few years ago.

Now my robberies have gotten a lot more successful.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/asguardia
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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A lame attempt ... but here it is :)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/golubeerji
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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Just Raisin Awareness...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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Ducks love raw potatoes and will attempt to unearth them with their bill. Enthusiastically mistaking rocks for potatoes can cause damage leaving them...

debillatated

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stroger
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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A Jewish kid walks into a Bar...

...Mitzvah.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FuckinWimp87
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
It took scientists 15 tries to create the perfect sleep aid. Attempts A-N had no effect..

But they concluded a Pill-O helped everyone sleep better

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dothemagic
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I wanted to make a post with a joke about musical notes. I first attempted to use Do or Mi, but in the end I went with

a Re post.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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Where I grew up, we had back-to-back violent attempts to overthrow the government.

It was coup coup

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/asiers
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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First attempt
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisk114
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
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In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'

That will be a hard one to crack.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.

He was charged with attempted murder.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brainsonastick
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Good thing there are just the two doors to the US Capitol building

Cause attempted sedan doesn’t have the same ring to it

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeugirdork
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
A man attempted to kill me in my own house last night...

Luckily I was in my living room.

πŸ‘︎ 128
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrenzyKevlar
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
How come the stadium got hot after the game?

Because all of the fans left.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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In an attempt to teach him shapes, I told my 2-year-old son to pick out the 3-sided shape with a 90 degree angle. He picked one...

It was the right triangle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I once attempted to hold a scarecrow’s hand

But found myself grasping at straws.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HanlonRazor
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A jewish pastor becomes a missionary...

...and ends up on the Island of Trid. The people there are starving and explain to the pastor that it’s because whenever they try to harvest the fruit at the top of the mountain, the nasty giant comes out of his cave and boots them all back down the hill. This infuriates the pastor who then declares that tomorrow he will join them on their next attempt. The next day they all march up the mountain together, and sure enough, out comes the giant who proceeds to kick all of the locals back down the hill leaving only the new guy to gather fruit at his leisure. Finally, he stops and asks the giant, β€œWell, aren’t you going to knock me off the mountain?”. Shaking his head, the giant says, β€œSilly rabbi, kicks are for Trids”.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?

Attempted Hummus-ide.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My first attempt at drawing a silly pun
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CassandraEntendre
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
In the spirit of sharing our kids attempts at dad jokes,

My daughter had to wire an essay about her hobby, which is softball. Her opener:

Pitcher this, you’re standing on a mound.

I was overwhelmed, and more proud than ever. She threw in some other puns too, it was an excellent essay, she’s giving me a run for my money, I batter watch out.

Edit: thank you u/PsychicGnome for the reminder that my kids are better parents than I am

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OnionShanty
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
After attempting for five hours to get this fence post to stand upright, I've finally realized

This is a shit post

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5lash3r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report
After 10 years of attempt to lure wemon

I've become a master baiter

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.

Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Woodscare
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.

I yelled out, "Oasis!"

Edit: My first ever attempt at a dad joke, and i never thought i would get anywhere this much upvotes. Thank y'all so much!

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redneckvet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
One of my favourite dad jokes from the early 00’s: In an attempt to stop the spread of bird flu

President Bush has bombed the Canary Islands. Turkey is next!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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Pun request!

Sorry if this is against the rules (doesn't appear so from what I read), but I'm looking for Gyoza puns. My attempts have been a bit lame so far. Thought I'd try the hive mind here if any takers? If you've goyza any please share!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mediashiznaks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Being cooped up in the house for so long has led me to attempt new hobbies. As an example, I'm currently studying how to adapt French phrases to describe the situation.

You could say it's my maison d'Γͺtre.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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So I my son started to bark at me

Kept on insisting that I had promised to build him a treehouse but I don't remember evergreening this elm of a contract. Though he kept inisisting I had birch the agreement due to the long delay but my attempt to confern the fertility of the spruce was in roots. Now I have to oak up and face the spruce. My weekend has been soiled and I now have to maple my son's treehouse whilst I willow my day away. Although... Now that I twig about it, having a treehouse in my yard sounds like a pine idea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WisdomThingy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My first attempt at writing a dad joke. Please take it easy on me.

A dad joke.

How did I do?

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πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me for some favors because her knees were bothering her.

I told her she was being awfully kneedy.

( My first attempt at an original. Sorry if someone has beat me to it.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cats_Ass
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked, "What's wrong honey?" I sighed, "I’m just not having much luck with jobs lately."

"I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory, wasn’t suited to be a tailor, the muffler factory was just exhausting, couldn’t cut it as barber, didn’t have the patience to be a doctor, didn’t fit in the shoe factory, pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a historian!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Knock knock

Who’s there? Woo Woo who?

Why are you excited?

One of my first Dad joke attempts and my kids didn’t even get it, sigh.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/myenemy666
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
It took scientists 15 tries to create the perfect sleep aid. Attempts A-N had no effect..

But a Pill-O helped everyone sleep better.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dothemagic
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report

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