How about this? A potion that gives the drinker Tourettes.

A profanity philter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pyranders
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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I was a heavy drinker until I went to AA meetings

Well, now I am still a drinker but at least I lost some weight

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πŸ‘€︎ u/milk-is-bad
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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I'm a drinker and I started to go to AA meetings

Now I have no idea who I drink with

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/WhyNotNowANL
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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iPhone developers party was full of clumsy festive drinkers again says Apple in cider
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pelomTEN
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
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My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...

That's the paunch-line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
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Why does Apple have the smartest drinkers?

They go to the Genius bar

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/st3u
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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Jesus was a heavy drinker...

It should come as no surprise that Jesus enjoyed his alcohol. It would be hard to imagine someone that can turn water into wine not having a problem. One day, Peter decided to say something.

"Jesus, we will follow you anywhere, but we are starting to get concerned about your alcohol consumption"

"Really? I don't see an issue, I rarely have any alcohol", He replied.

"Jesus, you are drinking right now" said Peter, pointing at the bottle in his hand.

Jesus looked at the bottle. "This? It is water, the color of the bottle just makes it look like wine"

But Peter knew better, and no matter how much Jesus tried to explain that it was just the look of the bottle, Peter knew that Jesus' argument did not hold water.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilkCanMatt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
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There's a heavy drinker in the house.

Just had this one happen at dinner tonight, super proud of myself in a terrible way. I have a son who is drinking juice now, but in giving him some, I finished off the bottle. Wife goes to the refrigerator to get him more, not knowing...

Wife: "Ugh, who killed the juice?" Me: "Hitler" Wife: "... That is so wrong."

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/Uncleted626
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2014
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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool.

"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"

He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.

The spy smirks.

"But I still think you American spy."

The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.

He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.

The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.

After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.

"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"

The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

πŸ‘︎ 92
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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Last joke of my grandpa

We were seeing him in the hospital for the last time with our family and at some point my aunt asked who of us want coffee. We counted coffee drinkers among us and my aunt said "Ok, I'll bring a full tray"

My grandpa lifted his head for the last time and said "rather bring that in a cup, it's so hard to drink from the tray"

He was amazing.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ‘€︎ u/regardos
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2013
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My dad's answer to everything was alcohol...

He wasn't a big drinker, he was just really bad at crossword puzzles.

πŸ‘︎ 175
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2018
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If you had one shot...

You are a responsible drinker!


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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pritschi
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2016
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Designated Driver

I'm not usually one for bars, but since the smoking ban in Illinois, they're not so bad. I'm not much of a drinker either, but this one place in particular offers free soft drinks for designated drivers of groups of three or more. You have to get them from a location separate from the bartender. You declare yourself upon entering the place, then your hand is marked, and from that point, you're not allowed alcohol, but you get the free soft drinks.

Their specialty is their own brand of a mixed fruit drink that's really good. It's popular enough that you're usually standing behind six or seven people to wait your turn. So, Saturday night, while I'm waiting for mine, this cute blonde walks up behind me. I figured I'd try to be witty and asked her, "Can I buy you a drink?"

She scowled at me with, "Well aren't you the funny one?"

"What's with the attitude?" I asked her.

"Sorry," she said. "It's them." And she thumbed toward a table with (would you believe it?) a brunette and a redhead.

"Why?" I asked. "What'd they do?"

"I'm just getting sick of it," she said. "Every time we come here, it's always me in the punch line."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Myntrith
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2015
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you know what they say

wine drinkers make grape lovers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whoflungpoomunkey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2017
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The dad is strong in this one

My wife is a wine drinker; while putting away dishes, I held one up and told my wife, "Your wine glasses are a pain in the ass".

Our youngest son promptly chimed in with "You mean a pain in the glass?!"

Moments like this make a dad proud. :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/redneckrockuhtree
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2016
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I used to be a heavy drinker

Now, I've at least lost some weight.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ‘€︎ u/rancherrick
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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