Drinker Puns

A profanity philter.

Well, now I am still a drinker but at least I lost some weight

Now I have no idea who I drink with

That's the paunch-line.

They go to the Genius bar

It should come as no surprise that Jesus enjoyed his alcohol. It would be hard to imagine someone that can turn water into wine not having a problem. One day, Peter decided to say something.

"Jesus, we will follow you anywhere, but we are starting to get concerned about your alcohol consumption"

"Really? I don't see an issue, I rarely have any alcohol", He replied.

"Jesus, you are drinking right now" said Peter, pointing at the bottle in his hand.

Jesus looked at the bottle. "This? It is water, the color of the bottle just makes it look like wine"

But Peter knew better, and no matter how much Jesus tried to explain that it was just the look of the bottle, Peter knew that Jesus' argument did not hold water.

Just had this one happen at dinner tonight, super proud of myself in a terrible way. I have a son who is drinking juice now, but in giving him some, I finished off the bottle. Wife goes to the refrigerator to get him more, not knowing...

Wife: "Ugh, who killed the juice?" Me: "Hitler" Wife: "... That is so wrong."

We were seeing him in the hospital for the last time with our family and at some point my aunt asked who of us want coffee. We counted coffee drinkers among us and my aunt said "Ok, I'll bring a full tray"

My grandpa lifted his head for the last time and said "rather bring that in a cup, it's so hard to drink from the tray"

He was amazing.

He wasn't a big drinker, he was just really bad at crossword puzzles.

You are a responsible drinker!

#knowyourlimit

I'm not usually one for bars, but since the smoking ban in Illinois, they're not so bad. I'm not much of a drinker either, but this one place in particular offers free soft drinks for designated drivers of groups of three or more. You have to get them from a location separate from the bartender. You declare yourself upon entering the place, then your hand is marked, and from that point, you're not allowed alcohol, but you get the free soft drinks.

Their specialty is their own brand of a mixed fruit drink that's really good. It's popular enough that you're usually standing behind six or seven people to wait your turn. So, Saturday night, while I'm waiting for mine, this cute blonde walks up behind me. I figured I'd try to be witty and asked her, "Can I buy you a drink?"

She scowled at me with, "Well aren't you the funny one?"

"What's with the attitude?" I asked her.

"Sorry," she said. "It's them." And she thumbed toward a table with (would you believe it?) a brunette and a redhead.

"Why?" I asked. "What'd they do?"

"I'm just getting sick of it," she said. "Every time we come here, it's always me in the punch line."

wine drinkers make grape lovers

My wife is a wine drinker; while putting away dishes, I held one up and told my wife, "Your wine glasses are a pain in the ass".

Our youngest son promptly chimed in with "You mean a pain in the glass?!"

Moments like this make a dad proud. :)

Now, I've at least lost some weight.