Pandora’s box wasn’t actually a box.
In fact, all the trouble started because it was ajar.
T-shirt is actually short for tyrannosaurus shirt
It’s because of the small arms
An actual conversation between my wife and my son yesterday.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
My Dad: Did you know that Mortal Kombat is actually based on an old Scandinavian church song?
Me: Wait, what? Really?
Dad: Yeah, a Finnish Hymn.
An actual joke from my dad this weekend
Dad: The sun is out! Oh nevermind now it's gone
Me: It's just a little shy
Dad: yeah that's why they call it sunSHYne...
The gun actually goes off in the 2nd...
An actual joke from my 8 year old - Why can’t you trust atoms?
They make up everything.
I was proud.
An actual joke my dad made.
Brother: It's hard getting used to these dental fillings.
Dad: You'll just have to bite through it.
Ah yes medical pun (putting the actual joke in the title would kinda ruin it all ngl)
What if Harry Potter actually stabbed Voldemort in the end?
Would he be known as The Boy Who Shiv'ed?
You know, visiting the dentist is actually pretty... boring once you know the drill
Fathers actually never joke about adoption tho
Today I found out that you can actually hear the blood flowing through your veins.
You just have to listen varicosely.
[Dark] Reports came out that suicide rates actually dropped during the pandemic despite people's worst fears. I guess it's true what they say...
One of the world leaders is actually an alien hellbent on taking over the world and I know who it is!
It's crazy but it's Trudeau
Fun fact: there are actually 2 ‘N’s in the alphabet...
... l m N o p ... w x y N z
I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
Has anyone actually ever seen Big Foot?
Street sweepers may seem slow, but they're actually really fast.
They're always going "broom, broom."
Today I discovered my dear friend it's actually a female.
Did you guys know Superman's father Jor-el had another son who was actually hilarious?
You would think that a snail without a shell would move that bit faster..?
but it's actually more sluggish..
An actual conversation with work friends
We’re sitting in the chill out area at work and there’s an old Metallica guitar Tab book near us.
One of the girls says “That book smells like the 90’s”.
A guy laughs and says “What does the 90’s smell like?”
I say “Teen Spirit!”
Did you know that you can actually get just as drunk on water...
sips water
...as you can on land
Not actually a fake text convo
Isaac Newton was actually Oldton
I tried to sort out wtahtoebucrldazy into an actual sentence
Then I realized “that would be crazy!”
I finished reading Bon Jovi’s biography and had the wonderful chance to ask him if he actually did the stuff in his biography.
He just shrugged and said it’s my life
Can you believe people actually eat mountain oysters?
Did you know that Jedi master Yoda was actually a Austro-Bavarian folk singer?
It's true. Right there in his last name, "Lay Hee Hoo."
Did you know that two times ten and two times eleven are actually the same?
two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty too
Everyone keeps telling me there's 26 letters in the alphabet, not 25
Jersey Mike's can't beat an actual pizza place
My very first dad joke as an actual dad.
On the day my daughter was born
Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel.
Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!
Actual joke my Dad just said to me:
Me: Urgh, my foot has fallen asleep, I hate when that happens.
Dad: That’s annoying; now it’s not going to be able to get to sleep tonight!
Did you hear about the stag who found out she was actually a doe?
[an actual conversation I had with my beer loving father]
Me: "Hey dad, hypothetically, if the world suddenly ran out of beer, what would you do?"
Dad: "I'd probably swap to pandas."
Me: "Is ... is that like a type of cider?"
Dad: "No, it's a black and white animal."
Me: "Dad? There aren't any pandas in New Zealand?"
Dad: "Well, there's no bears either."
Did you know that Mortal Kombat was actually based on an old Scandinavian worship song?
Did you know the Mortal Kombat theme song actually comes from a Scandinavian church song?
Did you guys know that Mortal Kombat was actually based off of an old Scandinavian worship song?
Did you know Mortal Kombat is actually based on an old Scandinavian church song?
It’s called a ‘Finnish Hymn’.
Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?
You just have to listen varicosely
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
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