An actual conversation between my wife and my son yesterday.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
The gun actually goes off in the 2nd...
An actual joke from my 8 year old - Why can’t you trust atoms?
They make up everything.
I was proud.
Fathers actually never joke about adoption tho
Ah yes medical pun (putting the actual joke in the title would kinda ruin it all ngl)
I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
Today I found out that you can actually hear the blood flowing through your veins.
You just have to listen varicosely.
Has anyone actually ever seen Big Foot?
I actually said this. I dropped a pack of steaks on the floor at the grocery store
I looked down and said "i guess thats how they make ground beef" another customer got a kick out of it.
Today I discovered my dear friend it's actually a female.
An actual conversation with work friends
We’re sitting in the chill out area at work and there’s an old Metallica guitar Tab book near us.
One of the girls says “That book smells like the 90’s”.
A guy laughs and says “What does the 90’s smell like?”
I say “Teen Spirit!”
Isaac Newton was actually Oldton
Not actually a fake text convo
I tried to sort out wtahtoebucrldazy into an actual sentence
Then I realized “that would be crazy!”
I finished reading Bon Jovi’s biography and had the wonderful chance to ask him if he actually did the stuff in his biography.
He just shrugged and said it’s my life
Can you believe people actually eat mountain oysters?
Did you know that Jedi master Yoda was actually a Austro-Bavarian folk singer?
It's true. Right there in his last name, "Lay Hee Hoo."
Jersey Mike's can't beat an actual pizza place
Everyone keeps telling me there's 26 letters in the alphabet, not 25
Did you know that two times ten and two times eleven are actually the same?
two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty too
Did you hear about the stag who found out she was actually a doe?
All this stress lately has me trying new things. For example, I've discovered that brake fluid is actually delicious. I'm up to a case a day, but there's no need to worry about me.
How do people actually make new mates as an adult?
An actual headline in Bloomberg news this morning:
"Saudi Arabia Oil Fears Look Well Founded."
I love it when these things occur in nature!
My very first dad joke as an actual dad.
On the day my daughter was born
Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel.
Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!
What would Hitler´s book have been called if he had actually become a painter?
[an actual conversation I had with my beer loving father]
Me: "Hey dad, hypothetically, if the world suddenly ran out of beer, what would you do?"
Dad: "I'd probably swap to pandas."
Me: "Is ... is that like a type of cider?"
Dad: "No, it's a black and white animal."
Me: "Dad? There aren't any pandas in New Zealand?"
Dad: "Well, there's no bears either."
Did you know that Lassie was actually a boy?
••••then why did they dress him up like a dog?!
Actual joke my Dad just said to me:
Me: Urgh, my foot has fallen asleep, I hate when that happens.
Dad: That’s annoying; now it’s not going to be able to get to sleep tonight!
I have never actually used a professional telescope in my life.
It’s something I’m thinking of looking into.
The first French fries weren't actually made in France.
They were made in grease.
If the old adage "You are what you eat." was actually true, what food would rappers never eat?
An orange, because they don't rhyme.
A lot of people think of Batman as really serious, but he’s actually a funny guy.
He even used to be a comic
I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language
And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.
Karen did that actually happen
Where do mansplainers get their water from?
I tried to figure out how far 20,000 leagues under the sea actually is.
Beauty School would actually be very easy to procrastinate in
Because it has make up exams.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
eBay is so useless
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,346 matches.
A wet dream is actually a dream cum true
Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?
You just have to listen varicosely
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
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