After achieving universal peace, the Guardians of the Galaxy settled down and opened a floor tile business.

I Am Grout

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I accused my baker son of not achieving anything..

He stood up and said β€œyou breader believe I’m not loafing around, I’m on a roll!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ruminino
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Achieving world peace is simple. Just burn all musical instruments.

Then there will finally be no violins.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AutoCommenter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
What does the lion call his high-achieving cub and adopted kangaroo kid?

His pride and joey!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aitchnyu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2017
🚨︎ report
This might be my crowning achievement. If it's been done before, I apologize for nothing. Grape minds think alike- nope wrong fruit.
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Davebelieves
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I wrote a book about how convicted felons can use fiction writing to work through their experiences and achieve better rehabilitation outcomes.

It's called, "Prose and Cons".

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arrenlex
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I got called pretty today.

...well, actually, the full statement was β€œyou’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.

πŸ‘︎ 571
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hughdman
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
We have achieved world peas
πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlackBleedingGray
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: β€œsir, would you like to go out with the cart?”. To which I replied β€œoh, no thanks I’m actually married”. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaFunkJunkie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I can understand why the invention of the wheel is looked upon as one of the most important achievements of mankind

It was a very pivotal moment

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fumperdink06
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I was wearing mismatched socks and my mom said to me

I bet you have another pair exactly like that.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dumbinternetstuff
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I aprecciate the president Russia's achievements.

He had to Putin a lot of work to get where he is.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emperor_Alves
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
100% effective method to not go to jail
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigPapaPump6969
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
To achieve Damp

You have to let it sink in

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteaminScaldren
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...

And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me

β€˜Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’

πŸ‘»πŸ‘»πŸ’€πŸ’€β˜ οΈβ˜ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.

I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themeatspin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Supermilk

I am a bit proud of what I achieved today. I promise that this is spontaneous to me, even though I might have heard the word somewhere else.

So my older children are up and waiting for breakfast, and they started talking about a game variety of Parkour, and the word β€œlegendary” is being thrown around casually. So I ask them if they know what legendary means, and my son says, after a minute of thinking, that it means very amazing. I answered, β€œNo, legendary means super famous milk.” Took them half a minute to figure out and I got the biggest groans ever!

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Damark81
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night

And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.

15/f daughter: β€˜Oh kitty, what are you doing?’

Me: β€˜I think she’s fishing.’


Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine β€˜Daaaad’.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KravMata
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Finally achieved world peas
πŸ‘︎ 351
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smaxx21
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
🚨︎ report
The invention of the shovel was just touching the surface of what today's is groundbreaking technology can achieve.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ing_die
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a bodybuilder in jail?

Mitochondrion.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AMSAS99
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I have finally made it

I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time β€œdad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sageyban
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Achievement unlocked: Got a groan from my 6 year old

What's the opposite of an Octagon?

An Octa-returned!

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darcys_beard
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
🚨︎ report
The invention of a the shovel was a ground-breaking achievement
πŸ‘︎ 269
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πŸ‘€︎ u/benzilla04
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm not a dad, but I pulled this on my sister and achieved a groan. So here it is!

*Me entering my sister's room and see her studying.

Me: "What's up? Wanna play Halo?"

Sis: "I want to but I can't. My exams are coming."

Me: "Then don't open the door!"

Sis: *groans

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chanzy94
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A stone with a lot of achievements is a roll model.
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StarkeStrawberry
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
How I'd singlehandedly achieve world peace [OC]
πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brandonchinn178
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
🚨︎ report
This achievement in Oxygen Not Included
πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukub5
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
🚨︎ report
New Achievement as a Father

Today while driving, my 2.5 year old asked for "tookies" and I replied with "Turkeys?" She responded quickly with her little "no". I feel proud that I can finally dad joke my child now. (This is an advancement in conversation structure between us)

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/immabettaboithanu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Wolfenstein II with one of the best achievements ever!
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justiono
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Finally achieved world peas
πŸ‘︎ 194
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FutureTheFuture
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2018
🚨︎ report
It's good to see people that carrot about world peas.It might seem corny, but to achieve world peas we have to beet the bad guys.
πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yugvijay
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Why does Pepsi always achieve its goals?

It’s soda termined

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
🚨︎ report
*Ted receiving the Best Dentist award at the Dentist award show*

This award is my crowning achievement but this is the only plaque that’s allowed in my house.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scottspears89
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Anyone can become communist.

It only takes one our.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timeforclock
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I think my highest achievement was climbing Mount Everest.

It's all been downhill from that.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dadika000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you here about the scarecrow that recieved an achievement award?

He was outstanding in his field!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/I_Have_A_Chode
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Finally achieved world peas
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ordinary_Kurkure
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2018
🚨︎ report
I make sure to eat legumes whenever I'm stressed.

It's the only way for me to achieve inner peas.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My Mexican friend has been trying hard to achieve a higher rank in the cartel but he's failing every time.

He's criminally underrated to be honest.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the dog achieve at university?

A pedegree.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RhodiumTheGreat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2018
🚨︎ report
What is your crowning achievement?

My crowning achievement is when I swallowed a trophy and couldn't poop it out.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SimpleFlips
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2016
🚨︎ report
King Henry V's greatest military achievement was capturing Harfleur with a single marshmallow

One s'more unto the breach, dear friends, one s'more

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAnagramancer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
🚨︎ report
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person they have ever met.

I’m not buying it.

πŸ‘︎ 317
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?

'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'

πŸ‘︎ 224
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriedLime
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I thought my birth was my mother's greatest achievement.

Turns out it was just her crowning achievement.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lordofspork
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Maximum β€œOh, boy” achieved

While outside of Desano pizza...

If you have pizza two days in a row, is it a repizza?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Armenoid
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad : What have achieved with all this network?

Me : No net work.

(the joke is on me)

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OtsuKotsu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report

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