After achieving universal peace, the Guardians of the Galaxy settled down and opened a floor tile business.
I accused my baker son of not achieving anything..
He stood up and said “you breader believe I’m not loafing around, I’m on a roll!”
Achieving world peace is simple. Just burn all musical instruments.
Then there will finally be no violins.
What does the lion call his high-achieving cub and adopted kangaroo kid?
This might be my crowning achievement. If it's been done before, I apologize for nothing. Grape minds think alike- nope wrong fruit.
I wrote a book about how convicted felons can use fiction writing to work through their experiences and achieve better rehabilitation outcomes.
It's called, "Prose and Cons".
I got called pretty today.
...well, actually, the full statement was “you’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.
We have achieved world peas
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: “sir, would you like to go out with the cart?”. To which I replied “oh, no thanks I’m actually married”. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
I can understand why the invention of the wheel is looked upon as one of the most important achievements of mankind
It was a very pivotal moment
I was wearing mismatched socks and my mom said to me
I bet you have another pair exactly like that.
I aprecciate the president Russia's achievements.
He had to Putin a lot of work to get where he is.
100% effective method to not go to jail
To achieve Damp
You have to let it sink in
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
Supermilk
I am a bit proud of what I achieved today. I promise that this is spontaneous to me, even though I might have heard the word somewhere else.
So my older children are up and waiting for breakfast, and they started talking about a game variety of Parkour, and the word “legendary” is being thrown around casually. So I ask them if they know what legendary means, and my son says, after a minute of thinking, that it means very amazing. I answered, “No, legendary means super famous milk.” Took them half a minute to figure out and I got the biggest groans ever!
We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night
And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.
15/f daughter: ‘Oh kitty, what are you doing?’
Me: ‘I think she’s fishing.’
Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine ‘Daaaad’.
Finally achieved world peas
The invention of the shovel was just touching the surface of what today's is groundbreaking technology can achieve.
What do you call a bodybuilder in jail?
I have finally made it
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
Achievement unlocked: Got a groan from my 6 year old
What's the opposite of an Octagon?
An Octa-returned!
The invention of a the shovel was a ground-breaking achievement
I'm not a dad, but I pulled this on my sister and achieved a groan. So here it is!
*Me entering my sister's room and see her studying.
Me: "What's up? Wanna play Halo?"
Sis: "I want to but I can't. My exams are coming."
Me: "Then don't open the door!"
Sis: *groans
A stone with a lot of achievements is a roll model.
How I'd singlehandedly achieve world peace [OC]
This achievement in Oxygen Not Included
New Achievement as a Father
Today while driving, my 2.5 year old asked for "tookies" and I replied with "Turkeys?" She responded quickly with her little "no".
I feel proud that I can finally dad joke my child now. (This is an advancement in conversation structure between us)
Wolfenstein II with one of the best achievements ever!
Finally achieved world peas
It's good to see people that carrot about world peas.It might seem corny, but to achieve world peas we have to beet the bad guys.
Why does Pepsi always achieve its goals?
*Ted receiving the Best Dentist award at the Dentist award show*
This award is my crowning achievement but this is the only plaque that’s allowed in my house.
Anyone can become communist.
I think my highest achievement was climbing Mount Everest.
It's all been downhill from that.
Did you here about the scarecrow that recieved an achievement award?
He was outstanding in his field!
Finally achieved world peas
I make sure to eat legumes whenever I'm stressed.
It's the only way for me to achieve inner peas.
My Mexican friend has been trying hard to achieve a higher rank in the cartel but he's failing every time.
He's criminally underrated to be honest.
What did the dog achieve at university?
What is your crowning achievement?
My crowning achievement is when I swallowed a trophy and couldn't poop it out.
King Henry V's greatest military achievement was capturing Harfleur with a single marshmallow
One s'more unto the breach, dear friends, one s'more
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person they have ever met.
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'
I thought my birth was my mother's greatest achievement.
Turns out it was just her crowning achievement.
Maximum “Oh, boy” achieved
While outside of Desano pizza...
If you have pizza two days in a row, is it a repizza?
Dad : What have achieved with all this network?
Me : No net work.
(the joke is on me)
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